I?m really at my wit?s end and I?m not sure what to do. I?m looking for any advice really, on how to improve our relationship or whether this is as good as its going to get.
DH and I have been married for 7 years, he has been depressed pretty much the entire length of our marriage ? the early years were spent convincing him to go to the doctors, then his family to support him? we have periods of stability and of crisis ? a crisis around the time our DD was born leading to his demotion at work, prolonged time off, his going missing and me calling the police out, and finally resigning his job. A few months into his dream MSc course he has had to defer, and since Jan has pretty much been lying in bed all day and playing computer games late into the night.
Our relationship has been growing more problematic. Since he hit rock bottom - a year and a half ? things have been going from bad to worse. I bear the brunt of his anger and disappointment.
I know that I am frequently angry, bitter and officious - and (according to DH) say very cruel things and don't care for him. I?m worried that actually I am the one with the problem: that because of his depression I expect too much from him, that I shouldn?t be putting pressure on him at all. I am also worrying that my anger and my slowness to get full-time paid work are really the main issues causing the problems in our marriage.
Tonight I got cross with him because he couldn?t tell me what he wanted to do with the evening ? spend it with me, help out with some jobs, do some of his freelance work, etc. He said that he can?t take this much more, that our relationship is too dysfunctional to work. I ask him what he wants, he says he doesn?t know.
I had PND and am naturally a shy, retiring type (writing this has taken a lot of courage) and struggle to keep on top of the housework, work, bring up DD, have a good relationship with DH, and generally find balance. DH couldn?t cope with the PND, told me it wasn?t proper depression, and said the other night that he didn?t think that being in a relationship meant dealing with the other persons? issues and neediness.
I?m really struggling to know what to do here to make things better. I don?t want to continue in this way. So far I?ve suggested marriage guidance but he doesn?t want it. He is on the waiting list (yet again) for psychotherapy. I try ways to help him in his depression, like encouraging him in little things and giving him small jobs to do, but he says that is nagging and bullying. I?ve tried talking but we just go round in circles. I know I get angry, and he says that I make everything his problem and his responsibility, but I know I don't. Sometimes I think of walking away, but I would rather work on things and try to help DH get well.
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Relationships
Depressed husband (long sorry)
PinkHairbrush · 27/05/2013 22:49
he said the other night that he didn?t think that being in a relationship meant dealing with the other persons? issues and neediness.
but it is Ok for you to have to deal with all of his many problems 
OP - the situation sounds awful for you. He may be depressed, but he also sounds extremely lazy. Just because he is depressed, it doesnt mean he has to lie in bed and play games all day. I have been suffering with depression for the past year due to XH walking out with no warning. I hit rock bottom, but I have still had to get on with everything as I have a 5yo DD to get to school each day and work to get on with too.
You have had PND, yet you have had to struggle on. How dare he belittle your illness and say it is not proper depression?!
To be honest and I rarely say LTB - it sounds like you would be better off without him.
If he is genuinely ill, then he should be on some sort of medication and treatment. I see that he is waiting for pshycotherapy. I
At the moment, it just looks like he wants to act like a sulky teenager and not like a husband.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Hi, Hairbrush- I know exactly where you're coming from. My Ex had Bipolar, and had the most awful depression a lot of the time, and he also did not function. He would get increasingly nasty and verbally abusive if I asked for things done or decisions, because he was feeling overwhelmed, but that did not change the fact that I had a full time professional job, 3 children, and he was doing nothing, no house work, no cooking, my older children often dressed and fed the little one, then got him out of bed to take DD2 to school and DS to nursery- only found that out after separation 
. They thought that was normal/ expected of them
We (all of us!) made excuse after excuse for him, but in the end it was like trying to live life dragging a ball and chain with you at all times. I had to give up, or drown, there's only so long you can do this- and 7 years are definitely way beyond.
I agree with Cogito- to a great degree he chooses to be like this, it is called "secondary gain". He has no incentive to change, at the moment he gets to lie in bed, not take responsibility for anything incl himself, behave badly, and do what he likes.
Time to get tough- shape up or ship out. There is no excuse for malingering and refusing treatment, at this point he does not get the choice anymore, and he can't continue to bail out of reality forever because he can't cope. He needs to learn to cope, with or without you.
I'm afraid for me it ended badly- when I got firm, he got violent. I now have a lovely, helpful, respectful, mentally healthy partner, but life was so much easier straight away!
It is not your fight to fight, it's his. Good luck!
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How is 7 years tolerating insults, abuse and bullying 'running for the hills' exactly? How long IYHO is someone supposed to give it before they decide enough's enough? In your book, once you're married, is that it... your needs are sacrificed and unimportant?
The OP has already had PND and, whilst that can also happen to anyone, isn't it likely that it was triggered at least in part by being saddled with a miserable bastard?
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