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How to make separating easiest for the kids when you have an awkward ex?

(7 Posts)
Crocodilio Mon 27-May-13 22:19:02

I'm feeling really alone with this. After an awful time for as long as I can remember, I have asked him to leave (house is in my name), but he continues to argue, try to talk about staying/leaving, crying, and all in front of the children (6, 3 and 1). Our eldest is obviously picking up on this, and his behaviour is worrying me. I have asked DP to not mention anything when they are present, but to no avail.

Is arranging counselling to enable us to discuss how to separate, arrange contact, holidays, etc a good idea, and for the counsellor to reinforce the importance of not making it harder for the children than necessary?

Are there any good book recommendations for helping children through this difficult time?

What are the things we need to agree/work out/come to decisions on? Is there a checklist somewhere?

I feel like I need a helping hand somehow to make it work, as he has never taken responsibility for anything, and as with everything else, sorting out the practicalities of separation will be down to me.

SquinkiesRule Tue 28-May-13 02:54:57

Sorry he's being so awkward and getting the kids in the middle, that is not on at all.
First you need a solicitor and to get him out.
Then the rest can be sorted.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 28-May-13 07:04:03

Agreeing entirely with the above, you need to get him out of your house sooner rather than later and that's going to mean escalating things considerably. You probably need legal advice rather than a counsellor in the first instance. Stop engaging with him and listening to his arguments which is only upsetting the children, just tell him firmly to pack his bags and show him the door. As it's your house you can even change the locks behind him. Maybe get someone to take care of the DCs for the day when you do this so that they don't have to witness the last arguments.

As for how to help the children through, I think that once he has gone, you will find the atmosphere immediately calms down and both you and the DCs will be less anxious. Again, you will need legal advice on the details of contact and maintenance

Good luck

Crocodilio Wed 29-May-13 07:46:36

I hadn't thought I'd need legal advice. Having only just decided to split, it seems fair to give him some time to find somewhere to move to. It's just so hard!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 29-May-13 07:59:33

Forget 'fair'. This is about surviving best you can with your self-respect and sanity intact. You've asked him to leave, you need him to leave and you can't afford to have your behaviour swayed by misplaced ideas of keeping things amicable. He isn't keeping things amicable he's kicking off, crying and pulling every guilt-tripping kick in the book.

So forget 'fair' because he's playing it anything but.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 29-May-13 07:59:50

'trick in the book'...

DorisIsWaiting Wed 29-May-13 08:18:17

Hi Op

I agree with the need for legal advice sooner rather than later.

For a book have a look at Babette Cole's Two of everything (we had it from the library a few weeks ago) it seems reasonably age appropriate.

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