Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Do I need closure?(9 Posts)
My husband had an affair before our youngest child was even a year old, and then left me 9 months ago. We have joint custody of the children but he barely speaks to me and doesn't answer my texts, phone calls or emails even on matters involving the children.
My friends have been great but 9 months on I think they are now expecting me to be getting on with life whereas the reality is I'm as low as ever.
I keep thinking that if I knew WHY it was that he left me, what it was that I did wrong that caused him to treat me so badly then I could get some sort of closure and move on. Is this a stupid idea? My head tells me it is but my heart wonders how I can ever hope to have another relationship if I don't know what went wrong with this one! And I am so lonely.
I look back over our marriage and I just have no clue what went wrong or when! I blame everything from my PND to not plucking my eyebrows often enough! I just don't seem to be able to move on.
You had a close relationship with him for a long time. Talk to him. It May help x
I think you'd start to feel a whole lot better if you believe that you aren't to blame for your ex's infidelity - it was his decision, had nothing to do with any failing on your part, yet everything to do with his weakness and opportunity presenting itself in the form of a willing OW.
I hope you've stopped trying to make contact with him. He's behaved supremely selfishly. You are unlikely to get the answers you're looking for I'm afraid and actually I wonder where your anger is? Even if you still love him and want him back you can feel and express murderous rage at his actions.
FWIW I've been in very similar circumstances and it took me a while to understand that my ex's affair had bugger all to do with me. At the time I didn't know how to feel about that but I knew what I had to do and he saw a side to me that he didn't know existed.
YOu will have another relationship but in the meantime make a different life for yourself, go out with friends, do something new, decorate, anything which will help you improve your self worth.
It will be better than it is now. I promise.
I have been there too and 12 months on am still struggling to accept what happened and why, even though I have talked it all through in counselling! I know that XH walked after getting involved with OW, yet keep going back to the things that he said and did, how could he, why did he, if only, etc etc.
It is only natural to feel this way and it is only ourselves that can change it. My friends are very good, but at the same time, they dont want to keep hearing the same stuff over and over, yet I need to get it out. Thats where MN can be great, to get it all off your chest.
I agree that you wont get the answers. Your H is a coward like mine. I wanted to go to Relate to talk it through, but he refused. I tried talking to him and just got shrugs. They check out, they don't care and they expect you to get over it asap.
You are worth more than him and you need to believe that
"I keep thinking that if I knew WHY it was that he left me, what it was that I did wrong that caused him to treat me so badly then I could get some sort of closure and move on. Is this a stupid idea?"
What you probably need is some counselling. Not to work out why he left so much as to understand that nothing you did, didn't do, or could have done, would have had any effect on the outcome. The kind of man that has affairs and walks out on a young family is a selfish one and selfish people care nothing for the impact of their behaviour on others. They do what they wish and everyone and everything else is collateral damage.
So stop blaming yourself and, if you struggle to do that, seek counselling to help you get there.
I would worry that far from closing this episode and coming out of it thinking "Well at least i know now", you would actually beat yourself up over anything your ex chose to heap on your head.
On Relationships I have read more than once about an ex who was happy to present his stunned spouse with a list of her supposed faults and wrong-doings. Not saying we're all perfect but my goodness why believe a word from the mouth of a man who has treated you so shabbily?
That's very true Donkeys. The real answer to 'why did you leave me' is a very uncomfortable truth along the lines of 'because I'm a selfish, immature, gutless bastard that is led by the cock and too emotionally inadequate to step up to a responsibility as grown-up as being faithful to my partner and caring for my family...' And, because they are selfish, immature and gutless, it becomes instead... 'I've done nothing wrong, it was all down to YOU for not being up to scratch in various ways that I'm about to tell you in gory detail'
No point listening to a character assassination. Doesn't achieve anything.
I think we all have a tenancy to want answers for closure. ..all hung up on the whys and what ifs. Our feelings come from our thoughts - what we dwell on. I think in a lot of cases with marriage break ups you never really get the answers. For me I didn't want an endless cycle of emotion - bitterness, loss, hopelessness. It's far better to put it behind you - to know that there isn't an answer but that you will be ok. Life isn't about the past, it's about the future. My moto is (mostly) it is what it is. Onwards and upwards! X
I would add, that I wrote my XH a lovely letter after he walked out, as I honestly thought that he was having some sort of breakdown after walking out with no warning.
The letter said how much I loved him, told him he was a great husband, father, reminded him of family times, etc.
He wrote back a letter that ended any chances of reconciliation, told me what a horrible person I was, how he had been unhappy for years, how I never appreciated him, how I had hurt him many times over the years.....
It is like he was in a different marriage to me, because he always seemed happy enough most of the time...... after ten years together, the only nice thing he could say was that I was a good mother.....
Anyway, his letter broke my heart and I ended up needing counselling to get myself to see that I wasnt that person that he had labelled so cruelly.
So don't do it to yourself, there is no point and it will only lead to more heartbreak for you.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.