Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ok, dh had a bad day at work on Friday, was it really necessary for him to take it all out on me on the night of ds's birthday sleepover?

(18 Posts)
Nectar Mon 27-May-13 14:13:14

DS is 10 this week, and we had four of his friends back after school for a birthday sleepover on Friday. They all got back from school and played out for a while, all was going well and then dh got back from work. I could tell by his face he'd had a bad day, then dd asked him if he could try and fix her laptop problem this weekend as he'd promised earlier in the week. Ok, not the best timing but he basically muttered 'Oh FGS' and came through to kitchen.

I just pointed out that wasn't very nice, seeing as he'd already promised to do it for her in the week. He just said 'Oh don't you start'hmm I asked him what the hell was up with him and he briefly relayed his day, I could see why he wasn't happy but I said he needed to try and put a smile on his face as all ds's friends would be in for pizza in a minute. His response? 'I'll just go upstairs then, then they won't have to bother about me'!

The boys came in for pizza, I then called dh down when I was about to light the birthday cake candles. He shuffled down, said Hi to the boys and muttered it would have to be quick as he was at a crucial point with dd's laptophmm At least he'd started looking at it but still a bit off of him.

Anyway we sung happy birthday, asked dh what he thought of the cake I'd been working on for the last few evenings. DS was made up with it, I'd got it just as he wanted it!grin Dh just shrugged and said it was ok.

Tbh I was glad he was going out, (pre arranged works do), so I could enjoy the party and see ds enjoying himself without dh's mood dampening it! He came back much later, after the boys were asleep and I said I wasn't happy with his behaviour earlier. He then had a right go at me, saying I'd done NOTHING in the house the last few weeksshock OK things have been a bit stressful as we're having our hallway, stairs, landing and kids' bedrooms re-carpeted next week, and have had a LOT of clearing out to do so this can happen. Yes I'm at home more than him, but work in the middle of every weekday, (catering job), and do ALL the school runs, lunchboxes, homework help, appointments for ds's slight speech problem, after school ferrying around, general household chores AND entertained his mum who stayed with us for four days last week, while dh was at work.

I've got rid of a LOT of stuff in the kids' rooms and cupboards on the landing, took it all to charity shops so when we've finally got everything carpeted we're not so cluttered. This is 'nothing' according to dh. I admit he's been coming back from work and getting straight on with it all, but then he doesn't have the day-to-day stuff to keep under like I do, everybody still expects clean clothes, meals on the table, etc etc which is all down to me.

DS and his friends had a great sleepover and I organised stuff for them to do through the evening and next morning. Absolutely NO acknowledgement from DH of the effort I put into that, having his mum staying and the preparation I've done for next week.

He really upset me and I'm finding it hard to converse normally with him this weekend, he's just carrying on as normal and hasn't even apologised! Not very nice is it? Luckily DS and friends didn't pick up on the atmosphere but even so,sad

peeriebear Mon 27-May-13 14:15:40

Write him a list of everything you've done, and do.

CaptainSweatPants Mon 27-May-13 14:17:53

well you asked him to fix the laptop, then nagged him to come down stairs
all sounds six of one and half a dozen of the other
sometimes when people are stressed you just have to bite your tongue and not have a go at them

YouStayClassySanDiego Mon 27-May-13 14:27:57

Tell him you're pissed off with how he acted during the party and how fucked off you are that he thinks you've done nothing within the house.

Get it out in the open then move on.

If he continues to be moody could there be another reason for his nit picking?

A1980 Mon 27-May-13 14:31:49

He had a Shit day at.work.
Dd asked him as soon as he got home to fix her laptop at the weekend when she could have waited to ask him at the weekend. He gets pushed in to fixing the laptop there and then and gets asked to come down and join the festivities.

Did you want him to swoon over the birthday cake? It's a cake, he's a bloke what do you expect?

Sounds as though the boys were having a great time on their own as boys do.

Sounds like he was an arse but even so, you don't cut any slack when he's had a rotten day by your own admission but expect him to cut you slack when you've done a lot.

What is this competing over who does more?

peeriebear Mon 27-May-13 14:45:56

Nobody pushed him to fix it there and then, it sounds like DD asked him to sort it 'this weekend' because he'd already said he'd do it in the week. OP was pulling him up on his "oh FGS" attitude, not ordering him to get to it.

A1980 Mon 27-May-13 15:04:35

Even so. The guy had a bad day even the op.could.see why he was cheesed off over it.

Kid with laptop can wait and sounds old enough to understand.

Madlizzy Mon 27-May-13 15:10:04

I think some acknowledgement that he'd had a shit day wouldn't have gone amiss, as would you telling DD to give her dad the chance to actually get through the door before she started asking him to do stuff. He tried to take his bad mood out of the way, but you wouldn't really let him. In this situation, I would have asked him if he wanted a brew and a 10 minute chill before asking anything of him. Give him a bit of a break.

Gruntfuttock Mon 27-May-13 15:13:35

Quite agree with those saying give him a break. Poor bloke.

badinage Mon 27-May-13 15:18:18

It's a cake, he's a bloke what do you expect?

Would you say the same if the OP had said 'oh, it's ok' in response to something you presumably think is a blokeish thing to make for their son, after her husband had spent the last few evenings making it?

And how would you judge a mother I wonder who came home from work in a terrible mood on her son's birthday and failed to engage in the celebrations?

I think this was rubbish behaviour OP and your son and you deserve an apology from him. But I'd also wonder whether there's more to this than just a bad day and a bad mood.

A1980 Mon 27-May-13 15:53:10

I don't understand why the party was on the Friday, why not.the.Saturday?

You knew he'd be going out that night with work so he couldn't join the party anyway or help much.

You're both stressed out, talk about it, hug it out.

Nectar Mon 27-May-13 19:00:58

Thanks for all your responses. I'll clarify a few things though. It wasn't me asking him to fix the laptop, it was dd. When he disappeared upstairs I didn't realise he was going to do it instantly. There was no great rush at that moment.

I brought the birthday cake out NOT intending to involve dh in the singing as he was in such a mood. It was ds who suddenly said, 'What about Dad?', so he obviously wanted him there. I didn't put this in the
OP,as didn't want to make it longer than it needed to be!

We would have preferred to have the party on the Saturday, but two of ds's friends would have already been away by then, (half term and bank holiday), getting back the day before school starts again.

I don't think anything else is up with dh, he just wasn't in the mood for anything much on Friday. He's been better this weekend but No apology from him yethmm, and I haven't exactly put myself out to speak to him much. It was the way he spoke to me, as if I'm utterly worthless that got me, and his total lack of enthusiasm about the party of HIS son! I knew he'd be out that evening but he could have made a bit of an effort with us before he went.hmm, stressed or not!

AlfalfaMum Mon 27-May-13 19:22:50

My gob is a bit smacked that so many are saying 'oh give him a break, he's only a man' etcetera hmm
The person not being given a break in this scenario was clearly OP. Also, it was his DS's birthday too, he could have shown some fucking enthusiasm for two minutes.

He's behaved like an arse, you deserve an apology. Sit down and have a civilised discussion and get him to see your point of view.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 27-May-13 19:33:32

I am hmm at most of the responses so far.

He sounds like an immature twat. Even if you've had a bad day at work, you put it behind you when you walk through the door and you engage with your family and whatever else is going on at home.
What a poor excuse for a father who can't even feign some interest and excitement in his son's birthday cake.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 27-May-13 19:39:27

Someone who sulks through their son's birthday cake is an arse.

FarBetterNow Mon 27-May-13 19:39:46

He needs to grow up.
It's his son's birthday -he should have put on a front for the party and enthused over the cake.

Sh1ney Mon 27-May-13 19:44:20

I am of the opinion that if this is fairly out of character for him then I don't really get all the hand wringing. Yes, I'd make my feelings very clear, and yes i'd expect an apology. As a one off though? He had a bad day, he was grumpy.

It's hardly abuse is it? Unless there is more to it. A muttered 'For god sake' is hardly up there with abusive insults. Let this go. He knows full well your feelings by the sounds of it

Numberlock Mon 27-May-13 21:16:01

This happened on Friday and you've still not dealt with it?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now