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why does it feel...weird?

(11 Posts)
catkin14 Mon 27-May-13 13:45:14

So, after many years of wanting to leave my H of 26 years, and the relief of being able to be myself without fear of criticism, sulking or nasty words why does it feel weird?

After his initial devastation, 5 weeks of it, he appears to have moved on very swiftly and I think living with another W. He wont actually tell me where he is living so Im not sure but there have been sitings and a few 4+4= 8 moments.

And that makes me think bloody hell that was quick, given how much he begged me to stay/come back etc.

What if it was me that made him like he was? Did i make him so critical/not want to be involved with his DC's etc?
But then I think if 2 people are just not right for each other, no amount of working on yourself can change that.

Whatever, its too late now, I dont regret my actions although i may in the coming months as solictors are going to have to get involved with money and divorce!
But it feels sad that another woman will succeed where i failed.
Am i talking a load of rubbish? Is it just a matter of time, acceptance and letting go?

Maybe he was nasty to you as he already had her on the go?

Or perhaps he will be exactly the same with her as he was with you.

Don't blame yourself for it not working - praise yourself for getting away from him!

SolidGoldBrass Mon 27-May-13 13:54:35

He'll be just as horrible to her. This is a man who doesn't think women are actually people, but things that exist for men's benefit. You are better off without him. Good luck.

Noregrets78 Mon 27-May-13 14:53:33

Obv don't know either of you too well! But IMO no, it's not you. It's him. He'll be like that eventually with her. it's all about control - he won't have liked you choosing to split up, and may have pulled all sorts of tricks, including the devastation, to make you feel sorry for him.

If he's moved onto someone else then he will hopefully leave you alone, see it as a good thing. He's in the process of sucking her in, and then will treat her exactly the same.

You haven't failed at all. You need to get used to trusting your own judgements after all those years of being together, you'll get there in the end. Well done!

GingerJulep Mon 27-May-13 15:00:04

Rebound relationships can be great (and terrible, but, sometimes, great). You've ditched the poor guy after 26 years (doesn't matter how much he did/didn't contribute to the overall happiness of the relationship, he is going to have been hurt by this). If he wants to find some consolation, for whatever time period, with someone else, well, frankly, so what?

My OH was with someone for years and met me way 'too soon' after leaving her. Their relationship hadn't been great for a number of years as far as I can tell.

He is completely different with me as WE are completely different as a UNIT.

On the other hand some people do the same things over and over.

Either way none of your business/worry any more.

Perfectly natural to feel as you do. Also perfectly pointless.

catkin14 Mon 27-May-13 17:22:17

Thanks for replies. All very valid.
GingerJulep you have said it exactly! I know he was hurt, pride as much as anything, but still hurt.
I dont begrudge him happiness at all, I hope he is.

I suppose its just that being together for soo long, but feeling that I failed, him, my DC's and myself.

But also as you say, pointless.
Just a matter of time?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 17:52:34

Face it. Five weeks of 'devastation' was the relationship equivalent of crocodile tears. No-one genuinely attached to a marriage casts it off that quickly, and if he was detached from the marriage, you can't blame yourself. Maybe you grew apart, maybe any number of things happened, maybe nothing happened... doesn't really matter. The cowardly, lazy thing to do if someone is unhappy in a relationship is to become withdrawn, sulky, critical or aggressive because that's just straight-up, unacceptable bullying. The responsible thing to do in that situation is to communicate and either make some effort to resolve it or part amicably.

My guess is that - rather than any notions of 'love' - he was happy to keep bullying you as long as you kept doing what he wanted. But that when you stopped tolerating the treatment, rather than put in any effort to keep you on board, he preferred to move onto someone else to do his bidding.

Lazy.

nickymanchester Mon 27-May-13 20:12:18

As always, we just hear one side of the story and most people jump to the conclusion that the DH was ''controlling'' and a ''bully''. This is not necessarily the whole story.

I am certain that the OP is being totally honest about her feelings and perception of the marriage, however, I do wonder if she has spoken to her Dh about his perception of things.

Perhaps he has not been too happy about certain aspects of her behaviour. Particularly after ''many years of wanting to leave my H''. Who knows, perhaps his behaviour stemmed from or was made worse by her withdrawing from the relationship?

catkin14 I really am not having a go at you, but we really know nothing about the history of your relationship.

I would say to give regard to what GingerJulep says above, I feel that this is very good advice indeed.

For those that say that 5 weeks is too short a time, he may well have taken advice to do a ''180'', which is basically saying rather than feeling depressed about having your partner leave you that you need to move on with your life and show your partner that you are happy and confident even if you don't really feel this way.

In effect, making the partner who is cheating or who has initiated a separation realise what they have given up, almost looking to make them feel ''jealous'' if you will.

catkin14 Mon 27-May-13 21:43:57

nickymanchester I agree to some extent with what you have said. Im sure he has not been happy either. And nor can i fully blame him either.

Its hard to leave when you are afraid of the person that you live with and also the impact of leaving will have on your DC's. So I tried to make it ok but failed.
And this was the point of just saying I was sad to have failed everyone after such a long time together. That was all. And to ask if time helps move those feelings on..

nickymanchester Tue 28-May-13 18:20:01

My sister separated from her husband after many years together and, yes, time really does help.

However, what slowed things down for her in this process of getting over things was constantly seeing her ex. She said that things really started to improve when she saw a lot less of him and could really start getting on with the rest of her life.

Really sorry, by the way, I missed the bit previously where you said that you were afraid of him - didn't realise things were that bad.

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 28-May-13 21:22:35

My ea ex moved on very quickly too. I was quite relieved in a way - it showed me that I had done the right thing as he clearly didn't care for me that much. Was also relieved to see him getting on with his life & not mooning about over me as I was worried that I'd ruined his life!

On the feeling that you've failed, this is very common for women to feel when relationships to break down, but men don't tend to. I think this is because we are socialised to feel that holding a relationship together is solely our responsibility, when it's not! I think even if my ex hadn't been EA the relationship still wouldn't have worked, we're just not compatible personalities. You hear all this stuff about how relationships are hard and you have to work for them and it makes you think it would be possible to save a relationship and make it work if only you work hard enough at it, or put enough into it. In actual fact if the two of you aren't suited you could throw your entire lives at each other and still be unhappy in the end. You're feeling like you've failed an impossible task which wasn't even your responsibility to bear in the first place smile

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