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Trust issues

(10 Posts)
Ilikecandy Mon 27-May-13 07:09:37

I've always trusted dh from the time we met, 4 yrs ago, and in my naive way still do.
But I'm very angry because dh obviously does not trust me!
I wish I could say that I cheated on him or spent money unwisely or lie or threaten him in any way. But I don't do any of these things.
Sometimes I think I'm a bit too trusting, dh knows all my financial details, passwords, etc. I always felt he had my best interests at heart when we moved in together. Getting married changed nothing for him apparently. I contributed more than him in setting up family home, pay for my fair share of bills, etc. but I'm accused of begrudging his spending on his dc, as if I were some selfish monster (his ex, btw, but we are like chalk and cheese, there is absolutely no way to misinterpret my actions or words).
I also share on an emotional level and bring up my dc in the same way.
I'm hurt again and again now not only by dh secretive, selfish behaviour, but its affecting his dc now too. They don't share, they're greedy and cold.
We had a big row yesterday on how I want his support in teaching about sharing and caring. He made a small gesture and was praised for it.
But I'm not his mother. Why would I have to nag about basic human kindness.
I think its about trust, has anyone had similar experiences and how did you cope? Thanks.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 08:27:47

Are you saying that, at the same time as accusing you of being secretive and selfish, he's actually the one exhibiting that behaviour? To me, that sounds less like he doesn't trust you and more that he wants to control you by confusing the crap out of you, withholding affection & a certain amount of 'gaslighting' i.e. insisting you have faults that are entirely contrived. It is very common for bullies to nit-pick and criticise completely irrationally, simply as a way to have their victim on the back foot, anxiously trying to be a better wife, keeping them happy. You say yourself, he made a small gesture and was praised for it... you do this as a matter of course and you get it in the neck.

Are you sure his ex was a selfish monster.... or is that what he's told you? Do you think he tells others that you're a selfish monster? (See how that goes?)

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 09:22:33

BTW.... what better way to upset and control someone who shares on an emotional level and is sharing and caring than by accusing them of being secretive and selfish? When you're on the defensive, you're vulnerable.....

Ilikecandy Mon 27-May-13 09:32:03

Thanks for your reply, cogito.
Yes, I have met the ex and she really is a piece of work. Her own family speak badly of her and my present in laws are either terrified of her or tolerate her for the sake of the dc.
However, having said that, I realize dh exhibits many of the faults previously ascribed only to her, I.e. control freak behaviours.
I used to believe that this explained his untoward attitude to me, but as friends and (his) family tell me constantly how happy dh now is, he can't be suffering any 'after effects' anymore surely?
Your last comment does make me think though. Despite what people tell him about me, I.e. I'm basically a good catch (!), I don't think he feels the same. He feels entitled to more, if that makes sense. I don't he will be truly happy until until I've been sucked dry.
Having written this down now, I totally see your point. Crap!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 10:18:07

I really hope I'm wrong but occasionally you meet people who are never 'truly happy' , or at least like to give that impression to their nearest and dearest so that they try just that little bit harder. If his family constantly tell you how happy he is but with you he's a cold, secretive, suspicious fish... then there's that contradiction so common among controlling types of someone who is pleasant with everyone except the person they're meant to love. The other 'red flag' is blame because it's a bad habit and not a good personality trait. However bad his ex is/was, because he can't blame her any more, he blames you.

Ilikecandy Mon 27-May-13 15:03:14

Wow, blaming me is so on the mark!
He was complaining about ED dysfunction recently, all in his mind of course, but I felt he was suggesting it was because we don't have sex like rabbits anymore (honeymoon phase over pretty quickly).
I rationally explained, again, that twice a week (on average) seems a very reasonable amount to me, more causes me pain or even cystitis. With my 'schedule' I don't suffer anymore but dh seems to think he is entitled to more!
There are some pluses in being together with dh, trouble is I know that is not enough. I ended my first marriage because just living together in a civilized way didn't work. Of course I needed therapy to figure that one out.
Is being naive curable?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 15:26:45

He blames you for his erectile dysfunction? Rather than go to the doctor and get a proper diagnosis (I'm guessing) ..... far easier to exploit the problem as leverage to pressurise you into sex against your better judgement. Whatever else he is, 'chivalrous' he certainly isn't and 'considerate' doesn't seem to apply either. hmm

I don't think you're naive if you realise the problems are starting to outweigh the benefits. Over-optimistic possibly, also tolerant, kind, willing to see the best in others... these aren't things that need curing, they're all lovely personality traits.

Ilikecandy Mon 27-May-13 15:38:06

Thanks Cogito!
Its true that I tend to be overly trusting, generous etc. But I am not a saint, or brain dead, and poor dh is just finding that out...
Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. I was puzzled over the trust issue. No longer. I see I'm going to have to speak up for myself even more or more consistently.
Dh also has the option to leave of course if I don't measure up to his standards! Luckily I am slowly learning to enforce some of my own.

Are you a therapist or counselor btw? Again, many thanks.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 27-May-13 15:44:21

Not a therapist smile Always a good move to stand up for yourself. That applies to life generally, whether someone is trying to bully or control you or not. I maintain that no-one - however much they say they care - looks out for our best interests as well as we do. And you're quite right.. if you're such a flawed, annoying creature, why is he bothering sticking around? Sharpen that self-respect and enforce away smile

Ilikecandy Mon 27-May-13 15:49:06

You rock!

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