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hindsight has 20:20 vision

(15 Posts)
lizzie479 Sun 26-May-13 21:56:42

Hi has anyone else asked their ex to leave due to his moods and tempers only for it only to hit you a few months later that he was almost certainly been having an affair?
Sudden realisations keep hitting me
The fact that when he went on a boys night out he always looked smart and even wore his best underpants (when I questioned him about this he said that its nice to wear ALL smart clothes when on a night out!)
The times when he rushed in and upstairs to have a shower and clean his teeth straight from work when most of the time he at least said hello and played with the kids first
The suddenly picking arguments
The fact we were skint and he had an overdraft even though he earnt well above the national average wage
The weird text from a work colleague that was way too over friendly and when I asked him about this he said she talks like that to everyone
The fact his friends could barely talk to me on the one night I went out with them all
I could go on but its depressing me how stupid I have been
Now I am on my own with two kids struggling and he has done nothing but make my life hell since we split and blame everything on me!
I hate him and want to confron him but its pointless right?

DippyDoohDahDay Sun 26-May-13 22:04:10

Without evidence I expect he will deny it and use it to undermine you. I'm sorry that you have been through this. Would you get to hear if he is in a relationship now?
But actually, he sounds like a pain in the arse anyway so congratulations on your peace and freedom...I hope you have much better times to come x

DippyDoohDahDay Sun 26-May-13 22:05:31

And we'll done for asking him to leave re moods and tempers, even though you are left struggling with two dcs. I did the same, and know its not easy

lizzie479 Sun 26-May-13 22:11:50

Thanks Dippy. I probably would not hear if he is in a relationship because he successfully kept me apart from his work colleagues and old school friends for the last four years so it would have been very easy for him as his life was in the city and he came home to us in the country but there was no overlap. I strongly suspect that he has got another relationship as he has asked me to no longer call his mobile. He and his family are suddenly being a bit nicer. But I doubt I will find out unless he tells me or the kids meet her. Interested to know what you mean by undermining me? I thought by confronting him and getting him to admit it it would make him stop playing the angry victim. What Happened with you Dippy?

lizzie479 Sun 26-May-13 22:13:22

Thanks btw I really hope I have much better times to come too but do feel that I hate all men right now and that well I really hate them ;)

Upnotdown Sun 26-May-13 22:39:40

You've just described my experience to a tee.

We had a different ending though (only due to circumstances of how I found out) and we're still together even though it was an affair. The minute it was out in the open, everything changed - the tempers/strops/blaming stopped and I got my mind and strength back.

I got an anonymous phonecall the day after I'd told him enough was enough. He came in the next morning, we had it out, I asked him to go and he left for over a month. I had no intention of ever taking him back but once everything was out in the open, I recognised him as the person I fell in love with again for the first time after eighteen horrendous months.

I really feel for you - it's a horrible realisation.

maristella Mon 27-May-13 01:06:36

Yes, I've just found out today that I was cheated on. Totally floors you doesn't it?

Hope you're doing ok. Thankfully my ex was not a long term partner, although I had believed we would last.

Such a shock x

SnoopyLovesYou Mon 27-May-13 01:59:14

Yes. Hindsight does have 20:20 vision. Similar situation myself. It can be tough to move on when someone has lied to and disrespected you. With my ex it wasnt a lover but something else. It's crap feeling like a victim isn't it?

Mosman Mon 27-May-13 03:20:31

I'd consider phoning that mobile whenever you need to and see who picks up or who you can hear in the background.

DippyDoohDahDay Mon 27-May-13 06:45:33

Agree with mosman, you have children together so call when you need to!
What I mean by undermined tips that he is unlikely to admit to cheating, and more likely to accuse you of being paranoid/being a lunatic/grasping at straws. Have seen this happen and seen it posted about too. So I just mean be prepared. Saying that though, personally I would have to address it with him anyway..
Mine was emotional abuse, left and came back a lot, vile during second pregnancy, gambling, out till late or two hours to get a pint of milk, coughed to a one night stand when second ds was four months old, then later denied it, too long a list!

maristella Mon 27-May-13 09:54:38

Where do all the good men hide??

lizzie479 Mon 27-May-13 20:00:53

Thanks Mosman but he NEVER answers when I call which is rarely anyway! I get what you mean about undermining me now dippy. Yes I don't want him to start going down the 'you're mad' route which he has tried once but realised he has no grounds for it as I won't give him the satisfaction. Upnot down I admire you for your decision. My friend stayed with her husband after his affair and do you know what? They are genuinely happy now and weathered the storm through cold shoulders from her family and friends and came out the other side happier. So it can be done. Good luck to you!
I'm afraid I had kids with an asshole I just only realised it after thirteen years!

lizzie479 Mon 27-May-13 20:03:29

Maristella I hope you are okay and not too broken hearted? I now realise how naieve and trusting I was but maybe thats a good thing anyway as we can't all go around being mistrusting and cynical!
Dippy sounds like you are definately better off out of it. Its tough being a single mum though isn't it?

lizzie479 Mon 27-May-13 20:06:49

Oh and he kept putting off marrying me because we 'weren't in that place' and he never did anything romantic because yet again 'we weren't in that place' sex became a perfunctory act missionary position only and if I asked for anything different you guessed it 'we weren't in that place' What an utter knob I have been!!!!

SnoopyLovesYou Mon 27-May-13 21:22:01

Oh Lizzie I've had all the same stuff. Well nearly all of it. Looking back now I bet you wish you had said 'yeah not in that place. I think Id rather be anywhere else actually. See ya!' ;-)

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