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How do I make this clear?

(13 Posts)
FennCara Sun 26-May-13 10:46:42

H split up me in February, after years of EA and affairs on his side. I moved out with DCs. Pregnant with DC3 (very unplanned). Devastated about separation but also massively relieved to be out of the house and that atmosphere.

H embarked on "passionate" affair with woman 20+ years older than him and myself. Dumped her as she wasn't keen on him having the kids every week (so he says).

During mediation he decides he doesn't want to divorce. I agree to rekindle things (I assume in a moment of hormonal weakness as he is an EA prick and I know it), providing I do not move back in with him until I feel he has changed.

Surprise surprise, no such occurance. A few nice dates, sex, a few apologies, a few favours. Then he announces he has booked to go away either side of my due date. No discussion, no invite for me. Cheers! I told him to get screwed. Rather that accept it was an arsey thing to do, he books a further holiday abroad with DCs and his family. Again, no mention of me and I will be too pg to fly. The DCs are not going. He is. He cannot see how this makes reconciliation impossible for me. I will be heavily pregnant and he is going to shag around Spain? Charming.

Spent a lot of this week in hospital. Had a day of constant "supportive" texts, and he said he would come over one night. Of course, he didn't. I asked him to not put on a supportive show if he won't see it through, I am more than capable of carrying a baby on my own. He sulked and has no idea what I mean.

I am now feeling as passive to our relationship as he obviously does. I don't want his scraps anymore. I met someone who is interested in him, and I told him so. In days gone by, I would have been insanely jealous.

I am so very tired. What can I say to this man to make him understand he has repeatedly and royally fucked up? That this is NOT BEHAVIOUR that I find attractive, and I don't want to be with him if he thinks this is ok.

Mullinsamy Sun 26-May-13 10:55:40

I have found that the fact coupled with fact approach is the best way if making things clear. For example, in your case you could say:
"You booking a holiday at the time your third child is going to be born indicates to me that you are indeed a prick. I don't need your support at the birth, but this is your child, being born and you don't seem to value this fact. This is the perfect example of what a self serving cock your are, and who wants to be with someone like that?"

FennCara Sun 26-May-13 11:03:46


Noregrets78 Sun 26-May-13 17:39:36

That's shocking - he's trying to reconcile and has booked a holiday right when you're due to give birth to his child? Just checking I've got that right as I'm totally shocked! nob!

FennCara Sun 26-May-13 23:46:13

I'm afraid so. One holiday abroad, two festvials. All covering three weeks up to and including due date. My other dcs came at 37 weeks.

Reconciliation? I've told him what he can do with that.

FennCara Sun 26-May-13 23:51:34

One of the festivals is the day after due date, sorry.

suburbophobe Sun 26-May-13 23:53:28

What a wanker.

At least now you know the lay of the land and you can get on with your life and that of your beautiful DC without this crap cluttering up your life.

Good luck with the pregnancy.

FennCara Sun 26-May-13 23:59:59

Thank you. I've reached the point where my jaw just drops when he acts up now, which is far better than crying and despairing. He is just a bizarre person to watch from a distance now.

LadyMaiBlossom Mon 27-May-13 00:02:07

If he was useing partnity leave to go on holiday I would be informing his employer that you have split up and he is not with you and has no need for that leave.


FennCara Mon 27-May-13 00:07:32

He's self-employed unfortunately. I could fill a thread with the pitfalls of that!

This is the same guy that hates holidays, heat, and flying. And worked 7 day weeks for 9 months of the year. And refused to have summer holidays at any cost.

Hatpin Mon 27-May-13 00:11:19

What an utter arsewipe. Don't waste your breath on trying to make him understand, he can't because he's completely devoid of conscience.

His idea of reconciliation = turning the clock back to when you accepted his sh*t.

Have you got support for the birth and afterwards from family or friends?

SolidGoldBrass Mon 27-May-13 00:14:47

Have you seen a solicitor? You refer to him as your H so you are married: you need to make sure you protect your legal rights as this man is clearly selfish, dishonest and unreliable so you can't trust him to do the right thing WRT child support.

Good luck and well done for binning him, anyway.

FennCara Mon 27-May-13 00:24:48

Yes, supportive family and friends. I don't feel I want a birth partner but I know they'll be there afterwards.

Seen a solicitor. He pays a decent amount of maintenance, but without knowing his earnings these days it could be more/less than the percentage he owes. He sees the kids a lot which is one good thing at least. Just a shame he wasn't so keen to spend such 'quality time' when we lived together hmm.

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