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Awake and scared - husband been drinking

(28 Posts)
AtALoss Sun 26-May-13 04:16:20

I am an idiot. I knew DH had a drink problem when I married him and big surprise, it hasn't got any better.

Last night he said he wanted to go to the pub to watch the football, he promised he wouldn't get drunk. At the end of the game I rang him and he said he would be home after one more pint. An hour later I went to bed. I was woken at about 1.30 when he came home, he was shouting that I am a cunt (repeatedly). I kept very quiet hoping DDs (one aged 3, one 3 months) wouldn't wake. He went into the spare room where he has been sleeping since birth of DD2, she is in with me. There was another episode of shouting at about quarter to 3 when he went to the toilet.

I haven't slept, I needed to go to the toilet but waited three quarters of an hour terrified I would wake him. I fed DD2 the moment she stirred in case that woke him. I avoid him when he's drunk and aggressive as I don't know what he will do. I will need to be up looking after both DCs in 3 hours.

I have considered getting away in the morning, packing a bag and taking DDs. The only sensible place to go would be my sister and I am not sure I can do a five hour drive safely on no sleep. I could go to a good friend locally but couldn't stay with her as she only has a one bed flat. Also I haven't discussed DH's drinking with anyone and I feel ashamed.

I have also thought about an ultimatum, it's me and the kids or the drink. But have been obsessively reading relationship threads here for hours and one poster said you can't change someone they have to do it, and want it.

God what a mess. I just don't know what to do, with my marriage and also in the short term in a couple of hours time. I don't want to give up on him or us, want to suggest counselling etc. but he has to want to ditch the drink. I know he is ambivalent about it, he does know it's an issue but hasn't stopped so far - he has had relationships end before because of it, lost his job getting a conviction for drink driving. He says he loves me and would be lost without me so maybe threatening to end it would give him a wake up call. But can I ever feel confident about us if I have basically blackmailed him to change?

The idea of ending is also awful, it would mean giving up on everything we have wanted for our future and on the loving family I wanted for my DDs. I am sobbing thinking about it but it can't go on as it is, they will be damaged by having a father who is a drinker and DD1 will know before she's much older.

Just wanted to write that down to see if I can sort my head out. I don't know how I've got into this, I am an intelligent woman with a responsible job (on maternity leave now), how did I get into such a mess?

Oh well he's out for the count now and not likely to wake until late morning unless I wake him. Think I will see if I can get any sleep at all and then ring my friend mid morning and see if I can go to her flat with DDs. I sort of hope waking and finding us gone might make DH think. I also need some support. Thank you for listening.

GeordieCherry Mon 10-Jun-13 13:12:54

Sorry you are going through this

From personal experience, I'd highly recommend Al-Anon for some support for you while you get your head round deciding your future.

Take care & good luck smile

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Mon 10-Jun-13 13:16:05

Some of my earliest memories:

My Mum sleeping in my bed and my Dad coming in to get her. Pissed.
My Mum telling me not to sit on the armchair in the kitchen because its cover was wet. Because she'd had to sponge it after my Dad was sick on it. Pissed.
My Mum telling me my Dad had wet the bed. Pissed.

I have a good enough relationship with him now. Both happily married to other people and pensioners. I can never look at him without thinking what a useless dick of a man he was when he was younger though.

My memories up there are the ones your kids will have. Unless you leave.

Ilikethebreeze Mon 10-Jun-13 13:28:22

He has stopped drinking for now. Hopefully it will last.

But be careful, as there will be some who will still try to derail your realtionship.

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