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Don't really know what to make of this

(54 Posts)
ItsDecisionTime Sun 26-May-13 03:26:43

My bf of 18 months and I don't live together, he works as a builder overseas, both for other people and on his own house refurbishment and comes home every few weeks. We are making plans to buy or build a house together once his own is sold and when his commitment to a large building contract has been honoured. We have also talked seriously about marriage.

I would currently like to upgrade some rooms in my own house and, as he really doesn't have the time to just put his current commitments to one side for 3 weeks (and he is completely committed to getting his own property finished), I happily took it upon myself to start getting quotes to have the work done and have kept him in the loop in terms of the prices and discussions with the potential tradespeople.

Tonight, he said that work had quietened down for a few weeks and that it would make more sense if he came home and did the work for me which I was really chuffed about. He then added that he "could do with the work" presumably as he wouldn't be earning any money while his own project was quiet, implying that I would be paying him to do the job. Prior to us being in a relationship, he has done work for me and I've obviously been more than happy to pay the going rate (and he's charged me the going rate) even though we have known each other since childhood and he is a very close friend of the family. I never expected any favours and asked him to do the work purely because he's excellent at what he does and I trusted him to do the best job.

I told him immediately that I wasn't comfortable mixing business up with our private relationship then just blurted out I didn't think it right he should be asking me to pay him particularly given the seriousness of our relationship. He said that was fine and he understood but I could tell by his tone he was either embarrassed or didn't understand at all.

The thing is, the whole episode has left a really bad taste in my mouth but I'm trying to convince myself that for him it is just business. About 12 months ago I loaned him some money (£4k) which to his credit he made every attempt to pay back to me but I doggedly argued the point and convinced him put it to good use on his house so he could get it on the market asap. I almost brought this up in conversation but knowing how he feels about owing people money, I decided it wasn't worth rocking the boat for what just might be a simple misunderstanding.

My mind has now gone into overdrive and I'm wondering if he isn't as committed to our relationship as I thought and whether I'm just an easy option once he returns from working overseas. I'm extremely cautious when it comes to relationships and although I really thought he was the one for me, I don't want to move forward with him if this is the case, I'd rather stay single.

Am I overreacting? You'll probably see by the time of this posting that I've been up all night worrying about it!

BalloonSlayer Thu 30-May-13 09:14:08

"He also has some debtors who owe him money but he doesn't want to chase them as they're friends."

hmm . . . anyone else wonder whether he dropped that one into the discussion because he is worried you'll be asking for your four grand back . . . ?

garlicgrump Thu 30-May-13 03:28:53

Oh, good! Well done, and thank you for updating smile

You are nobody's fool, are you. Enjoy your holiday - however it turns out.

ItsDecisionTime Thu 30-May-13 03:12:02

Wanted to update everyone on where we are with this as you were all kind enough to help me work through the problem.

Bf believes I got hold of the wrong end of the stick as he would never expect me to pay him for work especially given how generous I am to him (and he did bring up the £4k. I think perhaps he's had time to think everything through and take a long hard look at himself.

I'm not so sure as I heard what I heard. However, we have really cleared the air and have been able to discuss the other issues which were bugging me but without me being confrontational about it.

We are going to spend a couple of weeks away at the beginning of July, away from all the pressures of work, and see how we both feel. I want the relationship to work as apart from this, we get on really great. However, I'm nobody's fool and if I still have doubts after our time together, it's time to put an end to it - and I will.

Thanks everyone, couldn't have done it without you wine

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Wed 29-May-13 19:51:58

If I were you, as he's so damn keen to keep things on an even level and all that bs, I'd get the 4k back from him, otherwise you are actually the one 'keeping' his grown daughter, not him!

garlicgrump Tue 28-May-13 02:35:08

I'm relieved to see your closing sentence there, Decision. I'm inclined to say I wish you were making a final decision now - walk away from your sunk costs before the sink gets any deeper - and hope you will come to it soon. Glad you posted your update, because that scene reveals a whole lot of qualities you won't want to live with. Read it back when you're not feeling wobbly!

He lives for each day. Sometimes it's feast, sometimes it's famine.

I'm like this. I'm none too proud of it, though I have happy memories of many feasts to smile about during my present, seemingly interminable famine! I'm telling you this because I do accept money when anybody's kind enough to offer it, and have done so for work I knew was going nowhere and/or would have done for nothing. If this happens, I'm extremely upfront about what's happening ("I'm willing to accept this because I'm broke, but want to make it really clear you can change your mind.") and extremely appreciative. Buggering about half-heartedly is mean spirited, imo, and guaranteed to cause problems later on. It sounds like your man's far better at accepting money & favours than giving them out.

Don't set any store by how he treats his daughter; loads of people have blind spots where their DC are concerned. He may even see her costs as a financial obligation you should contribute to.

Be careful. Better still, get out of it and cheer yourself up with the workmen you hire! (I didn't say that last bit, honest wink)

ItsDecisionTime Tue 28-May-13 00:32:47

He lives for each day. Sometimes it's feast, sometimes it's famine. I think at the moment it's the latter although I have asked him and he laughed and said he's not destitute yet. He also has some debtors who owe him money but he doesn't want to chase them as they're friends. I suggested he just lock up the house and come home then I could help him find work here. He's well thought of professionally and it wouldn't take long for him to get on a roll. We are lucky in that we live in a bubble as far as building work is concerned.

He buys and restores other 'stuff' like cars, agricultural machinery etc. so that he has things to sell when times are tough. He also has a grown up daughter who is a financial leech, doesn't work and expects him to pay for everything. So as I see it, things can't be that bad if he's prepared to let that situation go on.

Whatever happens, I'm going to keep money and love quite separate from now on. That's whether I stay with him or move on.

Tenacity Mon 27-May-13 23:46:21

OP there are so many red flags flying wildly in this scenario, and you really need to be careful about offering him any financial help in any shape or form.
There is nothing wrong with being generous, but some situations can open you up to being exploited by other people (even with the best intentions in the world). Do you use money to 'buy' love from others?

Your attitudes to money seem on opposite plains, and to buy a house together has 'disaster' written all over it. Don't do it! At least not until you are on the same if ever level regarding sharing your pooled resources. Your expectations are just too different.

I also think that people change, and money corrupts, and by continually dangling money in front of him, you might be creating yourself a monster.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 27-May-13 23:44:25

Oh dear, that defensive reaction sounds as though he was expecting to be challenged, probably because he has been before.

noseymcposey Mon 27-May-13 22:27:45

Also, you say that he is very busy with work/his house. But he is saying 'he could do with the work'. Is everything as you think on the work front?

noseymcposey Mon 27-May-13 22:27:06

Maybe he really needs to the money? I think that 'I could do with the work' generally means 'I could do with the money'.

Is he having any financial problems? Financial problems can lead to odd behaviour - Just think this is maybe something to consider before you decide that he isn't committed to your relationship.

ItsDecisionTime Mon 27-May-13 22:20:57

Earthworms I'd think that too if I didn't know he had a shed load of work in front of him on his own house. He could be fully occupied on it for the next 6 months and it still wouldn't be finished.

It's easy when going through a bad patch for all the negatives to jump out at you but I have to balance those with the positives, and there have been many. It just seems money is always a sticking point for us, well not necessarily for us but for him. He won't take the money off me to finish the house when I have it sitting there. Why? Is that in itself a signal of non-commital or is he really so proud that he wants us to be on an even footing ultimately - which is what he says.

That said, I would't offer it now. Even if we were to bring this back together, the foundations have been left too shaky and he'd need to prove himself to me in a major way.

I'm no push-over and if I've left him with that impression along the way then he'll get a surprise.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Mon 27-May-13 22:11:34

I could do with the work might not mean he was planning on charging you if...

...he hates to be idle. As in it would drive him crazy not to be doing anything.
...the work will give him experience that will prove useful.

Um, actually I'm struggling to think of any more. And the second one seems unlikely. Does he hate to be idle OP?

Londonmrss Mon 27-May-13 22:04:39


Londonmrss Mon 27-May-13 22:04:03

Sounds like his reaction was pretty weird and over the top. Worrying really.
If you truly had misunderstood him, wouldn't he have laughed and said "If course I want planning to charge you! It would be work towards our joint future, wouldn't it?!" Why get so angry about it?

Money is a fucking stupid thing to argue about and he is creating an issue. You have been generous. He has been cheeky and then just rude. He sounds like a bit of a cock to be honest. Get rid. Meanness is a horrible characteristic.

Earthworms Mon 27-May-13 21:59:55

'Icould do with the work'.... Well if it were me, I hate to be idle, so if I were ok financially then I'd say this kind of thing - maybe- if I was taking on a project just for something to keep me out of mischief for a few weeks, before the start of a paid job.

Only you know him well enough to know whether he cares more about money or having something to keep him occupied.

From what you have said so far about him it sounds more likely about the money.

lifer Mon 27-May-13 21:53:13

Whoa there!Have to be blunt and say this guy is being a cheeky barsteward and you need to cool things off in a big way with him. Asking someone you are in a serious relationship with to PAY for labour on your house is pretty hard nosed for sure. The fact that he asked this in the first place sounds to me like he doesn't plan a future with you at all. You are in a sense, just another customer.
Put some distance between you for your own good.

WafflyVersatile Mon 27-May-13 21:49:35

People who need to borrow £4k are rarely in the position to be equally generous or they wouldn't need the £4k in the first place.

I don't really know what to make of it all, tbh.

I guess your choice is dump him now or wait and see, if and when he gets in touch, what he says and take it from there.

MissStrawberry Mon 27-May-13 21:42:43


the fact you gifted him £4k would be irrelevant if he was equally as generous and supportive if you needed financial support.

ItsDecisionTime Mon 27-May-13 21:35:47

Does anyone think the statement "I could do with the work" means anything else than he plans to charge for it?

frustratedashell Mon 27-May-13 21:13:41

I think he's taking advantage of you. And now he's cooling his heels because you are starting to see that. No way should he charge you for the work. You pay lots of his expenses and have given him 4 grand. Very unequal partnership! Red flag!

WhiteBirdBlueSky Mon 27-May-13 20:04:51

He's 'cooling his heels'? Sounds to me like he's using this argument as a way of backing out of the relationship.

Of course a partner shouldn't charge for work they're doing for you - so long as they're not turning down paid work to do it. Especially if he's at yours rent free when he's home. And you pay for his travel?!

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Mon 27-May-13 20:02:52

Frankly I'd see the huge red flags flapping in the wind here and extract yourself from this relationship. It sounds like it is all take on his side with no give and no committment. Sorry sad I'd also be getting the 4k back or have him do the work if he wants to do it that way (and stay at a friends while it's being done).

FarBetterNow Mon 27-May-13 19:52:48

I think you should take this blip as a sign that he is not for you.

You sound very generous and he isn't.
It can be very easy for generous people to be taken advantage of.

When he comes to stay with you, does he pay towards food?

Maybe it's time to rethink the relationship and maybe you won't see any benefit for the £4k you gave him, but at least you won't be subsidisng him any more.

You obviously know there is a problem with him or you wouldn't have posted here.

You are right It's Decision Time.

Best Wishes to you.

ItsDecisionTime Mon 27-May-13 19:37:30

Oh, I never said I'd changed my mind about him giving me back the £4k. It was a gift in every sense and it hasn't come up in the context of our conversations today. The only reason I brought it up on here was to illustrate that I'd been financially generous in the past but he wasn't taking that into account.

It's sometimes easier to just hold your hand up and just say OK, I'm sorry, let's move on. And to be fair, these have always been pretty minor disagreements.

I'm going to let him marinade on things and let him tell me how he wants to take things forward then think on it. I've aired my grievance and now it's been said, it can't be taken back so the consequences are in the lap of the gods.

changechangechange Mon 27-May-13 19:28:47

I think you're both being a bit funny about money tbh. You told him not to worry about the 4k but now you've changed your mind?

Otoh, if you're used to taking the blame for things you know weren't your fault, I'd cut my losses and move on. That's a red flag ime.

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