anyone had a lesson in who they can really count on once you have separated?(19 Posts)
I have been shocked since h walked out at who of my friends have and have not been supportive. My very best friend who is like my sister has not been supportive at all and seems to think I am better off without him (I know I am but it still hurts at such early days). My parents are not being overly supportive and have decided he is depressed and I need to get him to the dr to have a pill, then he will realise how much he loves us and misses us. His parents have not even contacted me to see how dc (4 and 7) are and rely on him as he is living with them for feedback to how they are. He sees them for 10 hours a week spread over 3 visits he doesn't know how they are as they are always happy when he is here then I have to pick up the pieces when he goes again.
My other friends ask me how I am but they have their own lives and don't really have time the ones with their own dc are busy and the ones without don't get it and think I should just cut all ties which is impossible when you have dc! The only person who has been supportive is my ds best friends mum she has been so lovely and texts and rings everyday.
I feel so alone
I don't think some people actually realise just how lonely it can be.
Some of my friends have been great but others, one in particular have just been shocking.
I guess not everyone is good at being a friend when you actually need them.
Fortunately MN is here to keep us sane.
My X managed to take quite a lot of our joint friends with him when we split. Even my parents weren't particularly supportive. I know exactly how you feel, but you will come through the other side and meet new people and have new friends who didn't know your ex which helps hugely.
PM me if you want to chat any time; there's nothing worse than feeling alone I know x
PS Your best friend's mum sounds lovely
"you find out who your friends are when the chips are down" ....and you seem to be in one of the life situations where that is the case.
Its true. Sad, but true.
It is quite astounding that people you thought were really close, really don't want to know ....and the least likely people turn out to be there for you.
Look at it as a good thing ..... natural selection is weeding out the riubbish friends.
That said, I don't think your "very best friend" is being other than a "very best friend". She is telling it like it is (from her perspective) ..... you may not appreciative her honesty or lack of sympathy at the moment, but the fact that she thinks its the best thing that could have happened for you may well mean that she really does have your best interests at heart!!
First off I'll admit that this has never happened to me, but I have been in your closest friend's position and I've also seen your posts about your serial cheater husband.
It's really frustrating to watch a woman you've got a lot of respect for continually staying with a bloke who's not fit to shine her shoes. In her heart she'll be blessing the day he walked out of your life, but she'd rather it had been you doing the dumping. I expect she's bloody furious that it's happened this way round and finds it incomprehansible that he's managed to con yet another woman into taking him on.
That's probably getting in the way a bit at the moment, but she's only human and you've probably bent her ear loads of times about this awful bloke and she's a bit sympathied out. Don't take it to heart too much, especially if she's been there for you before. But she probably needs a break from it and it'd be better for the moment to lean on the other newer mate who hasn't lived through the marriage with you. Avoid your parents' advice like the plague and stop letting your ex come to the house to see the kids. Put in boundaries and make him parent them from his own place, his
useless parents', or somewhere neutral. Him coming to the house all the time cannot be good for you at all.
Your very best friend may be the one who proves to be the most supportive in the long term. I know it hurts but you are better off without him. Your parents... people are sometimes deluded.
Parents (some) can't face it when you burst the bubble. In their heads you were in a secure marraige and they had done their job well raising you and seeing you happily walk up the aisle. Job done. They need time. Separation is a shock for everyone around you. Your friends don't know what to say or are afraid they will 'catch divorce' or run off with their partners. Hopefully your true friends will be picking the phone up to you when they get their heads straight and remember you need support...sometimes they don't and you have to move on. In the mean time you have us and things will get better soon.
It is surprising sometimes to see how friends and family react. Over time you really will weed people out. The upside is that you will make some lovely new friends through this. Some may not stay the journey although things will be easier with many of them as time passes.
Yes I have been through similar. Just because you "are better off without him" doesn't make the break up less painful, but sadly many people have poor emotional intelligence and simply can't see past their own opinion.
Your life has changed and you have changed. You may well find that your friendships change, too. Try to go with it. As painful as it may be, you may need to let go of some older friendships or at least downgrade them, and make some new friends who can better identify with your life. And there will come a day when you look back and realise how you have grown and matured, and what a good friend you can be to others.
" My very best friend who is like my sister has not been supportive at all and seems to think I am better off without him (I know I am but it still hurts at such early days). "
That's not really unsupportive, that's just expressing an opinion that's correct but which you're not quite ready for yet. His parents are never going to side with you, however appalling his actions... he's their son. Your parents are probably trying to be optimistic and still hoping you get back together. That's not really unsupportive either, just slightly deluded.
In short, as with any other traumatic emotional experience, it's very easy for others to say the wrong thing and hit a nerve in the process. It's rarely deliberately malicious & more usually thoughtless or simply ignorant. If someone hasn't gone through a break-up, it's tough to empathise.
Making a new life post divorce is difficult and this is just one of the many hurdles. Take care of yourself and be selective to whom you tell your business. Good luck
Not only all of this, but at the end of the day, you are the one whose life has changed....not everyone else. So who is going to mirror your change but you? I have been thro this a zillion times, when I make a change, I can't expect everyone els to drop their life and come running to me. Don't worry, you'll get used to it.
Oh yes I've found out who my real friends are - some surprises on the way too. One friend has really stepped up to the mark and has been amazing. Other people I thought were friends have cut me dead.
I now know who I can trust and who I can leave to drift off into my past.
Am lucky my family have been brilliant - his family? utterly crap but thats hardly a surprise. Kids upset that Grandparent has cut them dead - but that is her loss - they have enough other family to make up for it.
I think I must be very blessed with friends following my EX H's departure. It was a huge shock for me, but everybody has been there for me. I wasn't particularly close to my family at all, but they have all rallied round and as a result we're closer than we have been in years.
Friends are there for me, and even mutual friends that started out as his friends have supported me and I know I can fall back on.
In retrospect ExDH did a very good job of isolating me from people and it's only with his departure that I've been able to redevelop those close friendships.
So for me getting losing the baggage that was ExH has been nothing but positive. It's been 10 months since he left and when I was thinking back yesterday I realised it was the happiest 10 months I'd had in years. Scary to realise how one person can affect your whole life and well being to such an extent.
Yes - and it isn't who you thought you could count on! I suspect that this applies to going through any difficult life event. Some friends who you expect a lot from won't be anywhere to be seen, and others who you didn't expect anything from will be unbelievably kind and supportive. In some ways I suppose it's a useful exercise in finding out who your real friends are.
My STBXH also did a great job of isolating me from most people (whilst he cheated behind my back). What really surprised me though after we had split was the couple of women who I knew only slightly who have been massively supportive and included me in all sorts of female social events which I would not have gone to before. Hardly a week goes by without a text and an invitation to something. It doesn't have to be big - joining a group going to the cinema or theatre is plenty, it means that I am not sitting at home brooding and am out having fun. They have been a lifeline for me at my worst times.
I am through the darkest times now and I second the idea of going out and making a whole new set of friends who have never known you whilst you were married (whilst hanging on to the best of the old ones too of course). It takes time and effort - I have gone to every meetup.com group in my area I think! but it is really worth it. Being able to make new friends boosts your self-confidence and, even more, these are your friends alone. Its also good to keep as busy as possible
There are a lot of really great women out there also looking for friends and I feel my life is richer now than it has been for years
I feel exactly the same. My 'best friend' told me she didn't ring me regularly because she didn't want me to think she was being nosey (what a strange perspective.) Whereas an acquaintance rang me every night for ages to check how I was. I think people are sympathetic but don't know what to do or say. But I am not really looking for sympathy - just people to do stuff with. Sorry to sound negative but I have found the support less as time goes on, which is natural of course, but being on your own actually gets more difficult (a year on in my case.)
Having been the friend, it's not a strange perspective to not want to be nosey.
When my friend was realising that she didn't love her husband (also a friend of ours) she talked endlessly at me about him. Then she left him, and suddenly: nothing. Am I supposed to push her into doing what, as far as I can see, she does very well and at great length, i.e. talking about him? No, I'm going to wait for her to be ready, and not harangue her at a difficult time. Sheesh.
I left an LTR of 7 years about 10 minutes after finding out about my dp having an LTR at the same time with a married OW.
I thought I had loads of friends. I was mistaken. Either people wanted to talk about it and get details then I never heard from them again, or they just didnt mention it, which was weird as the news spread like wildfire round our tiny village ESP as she moved in with him! Her dh had found out and kicked her out.
My parents were horrified at the split and blamed me ( lack of proper dinner cooking, although my df was aware he also drank too much) it took my dm 3 months to talk to me, and even then she only did to find out how he was.
People were supportive from a distance, like refusing to serve him in the local, but otherwise it was pretty lonely.
I made new friends, who were lovely. Then I moved areas.
Always the way I'm afraid. This is when you find out who your real friends are.
When I left my XP I was astounded by where the support came from - and where it didn't. That would have been impossible to predict.
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