DH and I arguing over a bloody cat.

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

Bit of background... been together almost 7years, married for three, 2 DC, 5 & 1.5.

An opportunity to rehome a cat has come up and I'd love to take her in. DH doesn't like cats (just a general dislike not phobic) so we are at a stalemate.

He just got really moody and said that if I get the cat he will actually leave. It's a dealbreaker for him.

I now feel like I want to get the cat and see if he's bluffing or not. This has thrown up so many questions in my head... Does he think that little of us that he'd leave over a cat? it's not about the cat now.

Am I being stupid? I was quite willing to respect his opinion before he threw that into the mix. I just don't get it.

[Beamur]

He probably wouldn't leave, but perhaps he wants you to see how much he really doesn't want a cat.
Looking at it from the other POV, he's probably pissed off that you're not respecting his wishes.
If your relationship is otherwise fine, don't worry - but don't get the cat, it's not worth all this hassle over.

[myroomisatip]

Not helpful I know but my Ex would not let us have pets, nada, nothing.

We now have two beautiful, perfect, adorable, purring kittens :)

[ElectricSheep]

It's a shame but not worth having that much of an argument over imo. Give in graciously OP - may be your DH wants to know he's more important than a pet.

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

but it works both ways... i really want the cat, he's not respecting my opinion by saying no. how do you reach amicable compromises when someone has to 'win' and someone will 'lose'. it feels exactly like a competition.

otherwise things are good. we hardly ever argue, probably why im not sure how to deal with this. he likes to have the last say in things but so do i so we often hit these walls. he usually wins. i suppose im tired of losing.

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

myroom, the key to your sentence is 'my ex'.

[MikeLitoris]

Well me and dp have had a convo like this but the difference was ours was over having another baby.

Even then there was no threats to leave.

Not at all helpful but I would be so tempted to call his bluff* but then again I am a stubborn cow at times.

(*probably not a good idea in reality)

[Chubfuddler]

Aah the cat is a symbol.

Having a pet, having a child, there's no compromise. You either have it or not. You can't have half a cat.

I hate cats.

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

im not sure its an ego thing. we've never had a pet as we've been in private rental for 5 years. he always knew when we got out of renting i wanted a pet. cats are my ds' fave animal its more for the kids than me.

[SirSugar]

H never allowed cats, H died, I have two cats

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

mike, im as stubborn as you. half of me wants to call his bluff. half of me doesn't because i think he's serious.

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

sirsugar, sorry you lost your husband

[SirSugar]

And one of them is driving me crazy tonight, think needy, over affectionate, naughty Siamese boy. I adore him

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

sounds like my ds

[Beamur]

I sympathise - but the default situation when you both want/don't want something is not to have it.
I'd like another baby, DP does not. We won't be having another.
But the importance of the thing - be it cat/dog/baby - is relative and ultimately you have to decide what is more important to you.
Luckily we're both pretty easy going about pets though and usually have a few on the go

[SirSugar]

He was my H Alovely, not my DH, and pretty much didn't allow anything.........

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

i always thought the default was to get it/have it anyway and the other party will grow to like it... no? bugger.

[MikeLitoris]

Well if gorgous little ds likes cats you need one asap. How can H say no to that smile??

Seriously though I have no idea how you get around this one. Today is threatening to leave over a cat, what about when real issues come up? Will he just strop every time he wants his own way?

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

ah ok, yay for your cats sirsugar

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

mike, exactly my worry. we've never had any serious issues, so i don't know how he would deal with that if he can't deal with a cat. the cat isn't the issue.

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

and he does strop when he wants his way. then he wins. when i strop when i want my way he wins.

oh i don't know. this has opened a can of worms in my head.

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

too much childish stropping ain't it.

[MikeLitoris]

It's a toughie.

Has he given any actual reasons for not wanting it?

I just dont want one wouldnt wash with me.

[nemno]

Was he trying to indicate just how much he doesn't want a cat because he suspected you would try and railroad him and now it has got rather out of hand? He probably wouldn't leave but I think if you can't both agree then you don't get one.

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

that he doesn't like them. doesn't want one. it might scratch the carpet. i have hard floors downstairs

[olgaga]

I guess if you'd rather have a cat than a husband, get the cat.

I'd be appalled if my DH insisted on getting a cat or dog. He did say once he'd quite like a dog again. I said if you get your own place you can do what you like.

He hasn't mentioned it again.