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Need to get through one more year...

(9 Posts)
wundawoman Sat 25-May-13 11:55:40

I have been married 20 years, and have 17 year old dd. Im feeling emotionally exhausted, stressed, anxious and completely empty. I live away from my home country and miss it terribly.

My marriage is miserable, but I don't want to walk away at this stage because my dd has one year of school left, and I don't want to put her through the stress of family breakup. I am hoping I can hang on till next year then I have options open to me, leave dh, return to home country etc, or just get away from here hmm.

I feel so trapped, I used to be confident, fun loving and happy but I don't even recognize myself now.

I have tried to talk to dh but think he is incapable of understanding any emotions. He is very cold, selfish and boring, and does not see that we have issues!! He is always present at home physically, but not emotionally - he does his own thing, mostly watching sport and on computer. He does nothing around the house.

I am peri menopausal and just feel so sick of looking after everyone! Whilst I have nice friends, and get out socially during the week, I hate being at home confused.

Anyone been there? Advice please.

wundawoman Sat 25-May-13 12:35:58


IAmNotAMindReader Sat 25-May-13 13:49:49

If you have set yourself that tiem limit put plans in motion now to wnsure you leave when it is up. Take your time to plan your exit, be financially secure. Visit a solicitor, make connections with all the agancies you need to support you whether it be from your local library to your local council.

Essentially you are now planning a new life complete with interests and maybe even some new friends. You are doing this to ensure it is a happy one and not one as miserable as the life you are leading now. Look into some new interests too to help you gain confidence to put your plans in to action. Research your options to put you on a firm financial footing.

It is easy to stay miserable and put road blocks in your own way such as you don't want ot disrpt your DC's education if the get into university or lets just get their wedding out of the way first. Even down to I couldn't do it to the grandchildren.

LongGoneBeforeDaylight Sat 25-May-13 13:57:41

My parents separated in my first week of university. I am not sure I would have rather it had happened before I left home for uni, but this completely knocked me for six. There is never a good time and she is probably aware of your unhappiness hmm

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 25-May-13 14:04:11

As ever excuse typos, co-ordination of the fingers is almost impossible.

itshothere Sat 25-May-13 14:05:05

Poor you. I can understand how you feel. I live overseas too and my last dc is leaving for uni in the uk this summer. I have been feeling very unsettled lately too and finally decided that I'm going to give it until Xmas to try and stay here with just me and dh, if I continue to feel lonely and unfulfilled I will be going back to the uk too.
I'm not sure if dh is enough to remain here tbh, like you we don't have an awful lot to do with each other. Our interests are not similar and I don't think I will be able to handle the loneliness here, which I think may be highlighted without the dc's. I'm hoping that with me going home and and visiting him every couple of months might 'reignite' us? It might break us though....who know's?
I think that taking your daughter back now is not a good idea. Let her stay to finish school with her familiar friends. After all it wasn't her choice to live overseas in the first place, so don't unsettle her for the sake of one year. You have friends, not a substitute for dh I know, but at least you are not totally alone. You can travel back home on the school holidays, that will break the year up for you. I have been back 4 times this year so far and going again next week. Don't know if you work? If not find an interest or volunteer somewhere for a year, just to help the time pass.
Good luck with your decision, it's sad to be so miserable flowers .

A1980 Sat 25-May-13 14:17:41

My friends mum.and dad divorced when she was uni. She found it awful coming home to a.very different reality. it might be best to do it while she's still home.but slowly

wundawoman Sat 25-May-13 14:34:48

Thank you all for your replies.

I am committed to waiting till my dd finishes school here - otherwise I would have left already hmm.

Yes I am actively looking for work, but my confidence is low, and my skills are lacking now. But I think it would help me a great deal if I could find a job.

itshothere Sat 25-May-13 15:00:11

I think a job would help, I work to keep me sane. The money is nice but I really need the distraction more. As i said before though look into volunteering too, that would also help with your confidence. As it's unpaid the pressure is less too.
It's so hard when you live away from home without extended family around isn't it? I'm sure that my feelings about my dh are magnified because it's just us here. I probably would love the fact he's out at f'ball or working until god knows when, if I was nearer to my sisters and friends smile . More girlie time grin .
My DD had her prom recently and it was special to see her so happy with her friends that she went to school with and shared experiences with before she goes to uni. Your doing the right thing by allowing your DD to experience this too. Leaving a year early wouldn't be nice for her. When/if she goes to uni at least all the students will be new and in the same boat.
Look on the bright side, you have a year to prepare for your return, no last minute rushing for you. You will get through this and your time for happiness will come.

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