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Would you have a long distance relationship with an admitted cheater?

(18 Posts)
Bogeyface Sat 25-May-13 01:40:12

Another long phone call with my friend about this.

In a nutshell, the guy she is seeing admitted that the reason his marriage fell apart was that he shagged around because he was bored. Some ONS and 2 affairs. He says he has learned his lesson after losing his wife and only seeing his DC every other weekend. He lives 150 miles away from friend and they see each other the weekends he doesnt see his child and skype/text etc the rest of the time. He has sworn up and down that he would never make that mistake (!) again.

She believes he has changed. I am thinking of directing her here so would like your opinions.....

Would you have a relationship with a man in these circumstances?

Bogeyface Sat 25-May-13 01:40:39

Actually, forget the distance thing. Would you have any relationship at all with an admitted cheater?

AllegraLilac Sat 25-May-13 01:44:03

I wouldn't. I've been cheated on plenty of times, people don't change. Bored is not a good enough reason to justify that behaviour. Nothing is.

Avoiding that type of man is my strategy for safeguarding my feelings in the future.

lottieandmia Sat 25-May-13 01:44:50

It's unusual for people like this to change unless he did this when he was a teenager and then grew up.

He doesn't see his child? I would say one sign of a man who is no good is one who has kids he doesn't see - I think that is as much of an issue as the cheating.

CVSFootPowder Sat 25-May-13 01:48:20

Bogey under these circumstances, no. I wouldn't. Bored isn't a reason thats justifiable.
However, I was in an LD with a first time cheater - emotional affair that grew over a period of several years before we even physically cheated. It wasn't about just shagging, it was based on real feelings that grew when both of us were in the wrong relationship.

Why is this LD? How often do they see each other?

Bogeyface Sat 25-May-13 01:58:19

He does see his child, but only every other weekend. I am not actually 100% convinced that he is as seperated as he says, but that is a whole other thread.....

Bogeyface Sat 25-May-13 02:03:48

They see each other every other weekend, the weekends he doesnt see his child. They both work long hours (they are in the same profession which is how they met) so seeing each other in the week isnt an option. He lives where he does to be near his son he says, she doesnt want to move because her children are settled in school etc although she has talked about moving nearer to him, which he has discouraged. As I say, I am not convinced he is actually getting divorced and I am worried she may be the OW without realising it.

Bogeyface Sat 25-May-13 02:04:59

But.....derailed my own thread!......for the sake of argument, lets say he is getting divorced etc.

CVSFootPowder Sat 25-May-13 02:17:06

Honestly, even with a divorce coming. this guy has seriously bad form.
I wouldn't move ahead with him, but if a friend was asking me for advice who was determined to give him a try, I'd say go very very slow and make sure his words and his actions are consistent.

Lavenderhoney Sat 25-May-13 09:51:25

No, not unless I wanted to be really miserable.
Ldr is hard enough, without that. If there is an end to an Ldr then its ok. Otherwise its just friends with benefits.

Upnotdown Sat 25-May-13 10:00:41

Definitely not. That would be something I'd run away from.

LDR would be hard enough without worrying he was with someone else every time he was bored.

unapologetic Sat 25-May-13 10:38:49

There would be so many opportunities for him to be 'cheating' in this kind of set-up i.e. 12 nights a fortnight! She would never know.

Bogeyface Sat 25-May-13 11:01:42

I think the problem is that she has been alone for quite a while now and is desperately trying to convince herself that he is The One.

ZZZenagain Sat 25-May-13 11:03:48

wouldn't she be constantly asking herself if he really is faithful?

Bogeyface Sat 25-May-13 11:16:46

Exactly ZZZ which is why I think she needs to convince herself that he really has changed. She said that what he did was a mistake. I think that a mistake is something you do once and learn from, his mistake wasnt cheating, it was getting caught! So when he talks about not making that mistake again I rather suspect that he means the getting caught bit.

badinage Sat 25-May-13 11:52:20

Lorks no. Definitely not.

But she won't take a blind bit of notice, of course.

Re being the OW, a lot of women know they are OWs, but they construct a fiction for their friends and relatives that paints them as the duped woman when it all goes tits up. So, doubt you're hearing the whole truth from her tbh.

Circaea Sat 25-May-13 11:58:38

He might genuinely have changed. People do. But I wouldn't personally gamble something as big as my future emotional happiness on a 'might', because how can she know for sure?

I'd always be wondering if he'd relapse at some point, so I wouldn't be comfortable and therefore I wouldn't be happy. Se should keep looking for someone with less issues / baggage I think, it's better to be alone than constantly paranoid about your relationship.

scaevola Sat 25-May-13 11:59:09

If she's happy for a kind of FWB, the it could be ideal - male company on a reasonably frequent and regular basis bringing enough sex and dates to avoid the horror of the dating game.

But no prospect I'd say of a proper relationship. Not least because the possibility if her being one of several is just too high. And of course that means regular STI checks as well.

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