Another long phone call with my friend about this.
In a nutshell, the guy she is seeing admitted that the reason his marriage fell apart was that he shagged around because he was bored. Some ONS and 2 affairs. He says he has learned his lesson after losing his wife and only seeing his DC every other weekend. He lives 150 miles away from friend and they see each other the weekends he doesnt see his child and skype/text etc the rest of the time. He has sworn up and down that he would never make that mistake (!) again.
She believes he has changed. I am thinking of directing her here so would like your opinions.....
Would you have a relationship with a man in these circumstances?
Bogey under these circumstances, no. I wouldn't. Bored isn't a reason thats justifiable. However, I was in an LD with a first time cheater - emotional affair that grew over a period of several years before we even physically cheated. It wasn't about just shagging, it was based on real feelings that grew when both of us were in the wrong relationship.
They see each other every other weekend, the weekends he doesnt see his child. They both work long hours (they are in the same profession which is how they met) so seeing each other in the week isnt an option. He lives where he does to be near his son he says, she doesnt want to move because her children are settled in school etc although she has talked about moving nearer to him, which he has discouraged. As I say, I am not convinced he is actually getting divorced and I am worried she may be the OW without realising it.
Honestly, even with a divorce coming. this guy has seriously bad form. I wouldn't move ahead with him, but if a friend was asking me for advice who was determined to give him a try, I'd say go very very slow and make sure his words and his actions are consistent.
Exactly ZZZ which is why I think she needs to convince herself that he really has changed. She said that what he did was a mistake. I think that a mistake is something you do once and learn from, his mistake wasnt cheating, it was getting caught! So when he talks about not making that mistake again I rather suspect that he means the getting caught bit.
But she won't take a blind bit of notice, of course.
Re being the OW, a lot of women know they are OWs, but they construct a fiction for their friends and relatives that paints them as the duped woman when it all goes tits up. So, doubt you're hearing the whole truth from her tbh.
He might genuinely have changed. People do. But I wouldn't personally gamble something as big as my future emotional happiness on a 'might', because how can she know for sure?
I'd always be wondering if he'd relapse at some point, so I wouldn't be comfortable and therefore I wouldn't be happy. Se should keep looking for someone with less issues / baggage I think, it's better to be alone than constantly paranoid about your relationship.