Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Cheating or just curious

(34 Posts)
littlehelp Fri 24-May-13 17:15:34

Found out last night dp has been on dating websites
Confronted him and he said it was just for pleasure nothing else pictures to gaze over etc

However i feel this is just as bad espically since he is quite able to meet up with these girls as its a local site

Totally confussed and also 35weeks pregnant

Anythoughts or help advice

thatstripedthing Fri 24-May-13 17:17:31

shock

littlehelp Fri 24-May-13 17:23:34

[confussed]

littlehelp Fri 24-May-13 17:23:47

(confussed)

LadyMaiBlossom Fri 24-May-13 17:28:12

No this is not ok and I would ask him to let you look at his phone and emails and the account on the site.

LadyMaiBlossom Fri 24-May-13 17:31:52

I think he needs to prove he hasnt meet any of these women to you.

Ask him to move out to give you space.

Ask your mum or a closes friend to be your birthing partner.

You are about to have his baby and he treats you with no respect. Its not on.

littlehelp Fri 24-May-13 17:33:11

Already done that, well without his persmisson

He has tried to process payments as its a site you have to pay for, doesnt seem like he has done much but for me its the principle of actually thinking about it and attempted to do it

sad

LadyMaiBlossom Fri 24-May-13 17:33:54

There is loads of free porn on the internet he didnt have to go on a dating site so I think its more than likly he has meet someone on there or thinking about it.

LadyMaiBlossom Fri 24-May-13 17:37:30

He has spent family money on it too shock

He has broken your trust, spent money your baby needs and he is lieing to you and was intenting to have sex with someone else when you are haverly pg and needed him the most. To me this is unforgivable.

littlehelp Fri 24-May-13 17:38:02

I know the porn wouldnt bother me, thats its purpose you have no chance of meeting these people

But dating sites in local area is totally different, defo intentions, he claims that he was just on there for personal pleasure but surely he would need to speak to someone and then swop numbers or email and swop pictures
Surely if it was for pleasure a porn site would of been more suitable

Where to go from here though, i know it will always be in the back of my mind and find it difficult to forgive or forget,

LadyMaiBlossom Fri 24-May-13 17:41:17

Is this a deal braker for you?

Do you want to work thru this? Go to relate and try to trust him again?

I think I would still ask him to leave to show him what he has to lose and how seriouse this is too you.

LadyMaiBlossom Fri 24-May-13 17:44:42

If he is doing this now at one of the happiest times in a relationship - having a baby, then what will he be like in the stressful, hard times?

I think its more to it than he has said sad

Chislemum Fri 24-May-13 17:54:12

Men are such idiots - I agree with the other posters and lets hope it is just down to baby fears. I assume it's your first baby? Is he quite young?

CheeseStrawWars Fri 24-May-13 17:59:42

"If he is doing this now at one of the happiest times in a relationship - having a baby, then what will he be like in the stressful, hard times"

Ime, having a baby is one of the most stressful times. Having a baby means leaving your old way of life behind for an inescapable commitment which means a whole lot more responsibility - and even if the baby is planned, when reality bites some people just don't feel ready for that. It can be a pretty scary prospect. I'm not making excuses for him, but I don't think "one of the happiest times" is an accurate description of this period.

That said, most dating website don't charge you just for "window shopping".

Mumsyblouse Fri 24-May-13 17:59:45

Ummm, this is so not ok I don't know where to begin, and I don't thing it can be put down to youth! If you are in a relationship it's really simple- you don't go on local dating sites and pay for it! Do you do that yourself? No, so there's your answer. I'm sorry, this must be a difficult time for you but this is quite bad news- are there any other signs the relationship isn't all you would like it to be?

littlehelp Fri 24-May-13 18:01:56

I know what you mean, i cant see him moving out though, :-(

alphacourse Fri 24-May-13 20:34:12

Can I ask which site he was using? I had a very similar situation recently sad

MilgramsLittleHelper Fri 24-May-13 20:53:29

I think the local element is a bit of a worry and the fact that he's putting money into his "browsing". I did have a married friend who posted her profile on a dating site so as to get compliments during a down period in her relationship, she needed the boost and some good old fashioned small talk.

Cabrinha Fri 24-May-13 21:08:51

Dating site pictures aren't that interesting though, are they? I mean, not exactly hot porn.
I'm possibly biased as I've just chucked my husband for a marriage full of prostitute use. And yes, early on he looked at local sites (though it was escort sites u found) just because of "curiosity".
I'd be quizzing him very seriously about why money was involved, and basically reading the riot act.
FWIW, it destroyed trust in our relationship and took away my respect and liking for him. So even if he hadn't been sleeping with prostitutes, we'd have split simply from having a shit marriage.
I don't buy "curiosity".
Sorry.
Maybe you can come back from this as a couple - but in my opinion, only with honesty. If my husband had admitted the truth and worked on getting back my trust and respect, maybe we'd have stayed together. He never admitted the truth, so we could never fix things.

topknob Fri 24-May-13 21:14:58

I started a similar thread last night, except he is denying it and being an arse sad xxxx

Bertiebassett Fri 24-May-13 23:51:57

A similar thing happened to me about 18 months ago. I found that my H had joined a local 'no strings sex' site. He said he was just 'curious'.

Like the previous poster (sorry on phone so can't check name!) I felt that if he had been honest and proved that he loved me and could be trusted, I think our relationship might have survived. However, he wouldn't really take responsibility for how disrespectful to me his behaviour was. He kept blaming other people (their influence), his work (stress), me (because I'm 'boring'), and family life (to restrictive).

He finally moved out a month ago. He tells everyone that I broke up the family. Apparently we were going through 'normal' marital problems but I overreacted. He still won't take responsibility for any of his actions.

Make sure he respects you OP x

calmingtea Sat 25-May-13 07:56:55

I hate porn, but I get it is for viewing and 'pleasure'. Dating sites. That is for cheating/sex. 'Even' if the titillation is just the 'possibility' of a ONS. OP you need to ignore what he is saying to you and decide what you feel about it. Go with your gut. You are worth that much.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong Sat 25-May-13 07:59:18

Of course it's not just curiosity. Where you go from here is up to you.

But if it were me, his pants would be in a binliner on the street.

littlehelp Sat 25-May-13 08:15:38

Wow thank you for all responses!

Last night he claimed he hadn't done anything wrong it was only a site he been on, but was very sorry that he had been on it and that he shouldn't have.
Got the usual speech I love you I wanna get married one day and spend the rest of my life with you, the speech shit I have been caught out.

This is my second baby 1st baby with him and we are in our 20's

I think my gut feeling is to see what happens, his behaviour and see if I can put it behind and move on at least I've tried, but if I were to find out any more or that I've been lied to then that for me will defo be a deal breaker.

Men are such idiots shock

postmanpatscat Sat 25-May-13 08:31:59

littlehelp , I suspect you have already been lied to.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now