No contact aargh

[2013go]

Have gone nc from abusive exp- its been a month. I'm relieved that I have no idea whether he's tried contact and have resisted any urge to contact him. I know we will never be together again and that that's for the best.

But- I really miss him (in some ways) and just feel completely flat and numb. I can't believe that I will never see or speak to him again, ever.

Have never just cut off a person before.

As the days go on it seems harder, not easier to be nc.

When do things get better??? Does it really have to be nc forever???

[calmingtea]

Depending on what you mean by abusive, have you thought about getting a therapist to talk all of this through this with. If you broke up with the guy, went to the extreme of no contact, say he is abusive - and there are no children involved, why would you want contact again? It will get better, but it sounds a little like you are faltering on your decision.

But it will get better, you just need to stop focusing on him and start looking after yourself.

[Xales]

It seems from your post that you are still emotionally attached to this man.

As such any contact would be the start of a slippery slope back to where you were a month ago when things were bad enough for you to go nc or worse as he realises he can sucker you back in whenever he feels like it.

I think permanent nc is your best option.

[AuntieStella]

Yes, NC needs to be forever.

It's normal to miss the good bits, and it's normal to feel sad at ending the hope that he could somehow have become the man you though he was. You are letting go of a chapter of your life and all sorts of emotions canaries up.

I think the important thingis that you recognise that you have these feelings and let yourself feel them then resolve them. And do this alone, with a counsellor or with supportive friends.

What you should not do is let your heart overrule your head. He's your ex for a very good reason, and we're you to make contact again, what you will be getting back is the whole person, not the rosy-spectacles version.

Don't go there. Ever.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"When do things get better??? Does it really have to be nc forever???"

Things get better when you start finding other things and other people to occupy the spaces he left behind. Not necessarily a new partner but filling your life with fun, absorbing activities that make you feel good about yourself. Travel, work, learn new skills, join groups, make new friends, find a hobby .... A month is not very much time at all but staying busy and filling your days is the way forward.

Yes, NC has to be for ever because abusive relationships often have a certain obsessive/addictive quality. If you even allow yourself to think in terms of 'we could be friends in six months, a year, two years'... then you will not commit fully to creating a new life because you'll be thinking of him as your fall-back.

[ladyjadie]

It's an upward hill, with lots of temptation on the way. One slip and you're at the bottom again.

But when you get to the top the view is freeing and lovely, and worth all the hard work it took to get there.

[piratecat]

i am not sure when it gets better, it varies.

Baggage reclaim and the no contact rule is a good site for support, and to keep reading the rules. Try to look forwards, and every tie he pops into your mind or you feel sad, tell yourself -no, live in the now.

trying this myself atm. hug x

[2013go]

Thanks all, you're right. I felt buoyed up by adrenalin and righteousness for a couple of weeks and now just sad, really sad.
He broke it off, I changed number and blocked because last time he broke it off I didn't and he kept contacting. I don't trust myself not to be suckered back in that way again and don't want to be in that game anymore.
I have tried to find a counsellor but to no avail as I can't afford one. When I've rung services for help I don't fit the right category really to access that kind of help, plus I work full time and am limited to evenings.
Friends are getting a bit miffed, as I an either off on a feminist rant and seeing misogyny at every turn, or just droopy. Some of the worst abuse was sexual and I don't really want to talk about that.
Feeling super lonely!
But yes, breaking nc is far from the solution!! Mind over matter.
piratecat thanks for the virtual hug!

[Kaykat]

Hi OP I am 4 months into nc and feeling exactly as you are, sorry if not very helpful. The whole nc thing confuses me a bit because when I was in contact I was very clear about wanting to escape from him. Now without him being horrible every day the memories are all getting a bit distant. Weirdly when he does something upsetting not directly but through the divorce process, those are the times i feel weaker about the nc. it doesnt make any sense to me. It is like an addiction where you feel tempted to do something you know is damaging.

However I have managed to stick with it. As suggested above I keep busy but there will always be quiet times when you end up brooding. My strategy has been to speak to a friend or family every time I feel weak and I am very honest with them about how I feel, they always talk me out of doing anything stupid.

[piratecat]

no prob op. just have to live in the 'now' and believe you will get thru it. what's the option.

going back.

nope xx

[wordyBird]

Keep facing forward, 2013go - it may not feel like it, but you sound much better than you were. NC is working for you, even though you feel ropey at the moment. Think of it like giving up smoking.

As piratecat says, the other option is not an option (he really was a horror)

[AllegraLilac]

Sorry to hijack the thread, but I'm doing nc at the minute, forever actually. Cheating ex. But I want to know if nc hurts the ex. He tried to get in contact, I shot him down. Felt good. I want to hurt him.

[CouthyMow]

No contact with an abusive Ex of mine. It took me a year to feel fully like me again, and not flat.

4 years down the line, and I only think about him when reading threads on here, and I think "God, that sounds like that Ex of mine, I'm so lost glad I don't put up with that bs any more!"

[CouthyMow]

You will get to the point where you don't even care whether NC hurts your Ex or not - because it no longer enters your head as to how he would think or feel. Because you have far more interesting things to think about than what some abusive or cheating (or even both) wankbadger might be thinking or feeling...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"But I want to know if nc hurts the ex."

Very little 'hurts' an abusive person. They don't like being ignored and they don't like their superiority questioned but I think it's a stretch to say it hurts them. It helps, therefore, not to focus too much on how you can get your own back because it's very difficult to do that. Instead, focus on making your new life the best it can be..... get selfish. :) To that end see no contact as the way to deprive exes (and anyone else for that matter) of the opportunity to carry on hurting you.

[piratecat]

as for hurting then i think its more likely to annoy them that they haven't got the power they had over us.

my situation is different as not am abusive ex. just one who was messed up and always expected me to be there for his emotional stuff. now i would imagine he is lost and being self destructive without my concern and love.
tough titties.

[2013go]

Thanks, this is really helping!

On hurting them, I know nothing would or can hurt exdp as he has no emotions/empathy skills so he'll be possibly feeling some chagrin and maybe thinking I'm a bitch but not much beyond that.

What annoys me is that it's hurting ME! As much as contact would! I am going over every past incident, good and bad, and don't seem to be able to stop that flow of thoughts even though I am busy and have plenty to do. At least when I was in touch I didn't have to keep thinking about it all the time!

A year- sounds about right :( argh!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's only hurting you short-term because you're actually in control of the process. You've instigated NC, it's your initiative, and you are motivated for it to work. So it'll be short-lived pain for long-term gain and your confidence will thank you for it.

If you go back to how it was you're just at the mercy of events, waiting on someone who doesn't care for you to decide how your life is going to go.... and that's years and years of guaranteed pain, frustration, self-reproach, smashed self-esteem and with no prospect of improvement.