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Getting back with mean spirited exes - end in tears?

(7 Posts)
wildwest Thu 23-May-13 18:37:05

I wouldn't ever consider going back to my xh. I don't want to meet him for dinner or act like we are friends. We are divorced for a reason and are civil as we have a child together and of course I don't wish him harm.

I was told today that someone I had thought was a good friend (we fell out a few months ago as I realised she really wasn't) has gone back to her xh. He treated her terribly, he left her several times in the marriage, cheated on her, cut her short financially to make her accept a low financial settlement, didn't help with their child and cut contact as a punishment. She has a terrible relationship with her elder child who is not his and who always felt that she put the ex above her and whom he treated very badly. Anyway after the divorce he made a lot of money something she clearly resented and money was what she was looking for in another partner. She fell out with me and other friends and is now back with him and off on a luxury holiday after moving into his detached house. All I can feel is pity. Why would someone go back to a man who treated them so badly that they are divorced from just because there is money? I really feel like this is the only reason she is with him and others do to. Is it low self esteem? The inability to be happy in oneself? To me is like the proverbial dog returning to it's own vomit. Well good luck. From the outside looking in. ... It's not looking good.

Cailinsalach Thu 23-May-13 18:54:41


Sorry Wildwest but your post sounds a little sour. This person is not your friend, their relationship with their exh is not your concern.

Unless they have caused you harm in some way and it is this that is at the root of your displeasure at her enjoying a luxury holiday and a detached house?

wildwest Thu 23-May-13 19:07:06

It's really not sour. I don't feel anything but indifference with regard to my former friend but I am incredulous that she decided to go back to him. I just sat with her for hours while she told me about her awful life with him and saw first hand all the many nasty things he did to her to end their relationship.. I guess I just wonder what makes a person want to return to such an awful situation, money or no money.

wildwest Thu 23-May-13 21:28:38


Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 21:54:07

More fool her...move on

ladyjadie Fri 24-May-13 09:30:49

He probably made her so insecure and lowered her self esteem so much during their marriage that anything nice he gives her materialistically now seems like heaven. She's probably taking it because
A)It's familiar, and even those with a strong self esteem are drawn to familiarity (though not in an obviously damaging way like this)

B)She was left lacking and probably saw her ex suddenly gallivanting about with lots of cash and felt bitterness that she should be in that position ("I should be on those nice holidays")

And maybe even a bit of

C) She's not found anyone better, he has obviously wanted her back, and she might be using him for nice things until his true colours rear up again, at which point she may see the light and leave him again, only with a couple of nice clothes/jewels under her belt.

None of which is right but it's her life I guess.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 24-May-13 10:28:15

It's always complex why anyone would opt for a bad relationship. In part, she hasn't learned how to be successfully independent in the time she's been away from him. There are insecure people - possibly influenced by family/traditional/cultural/societal attitudes that are very much anti women being single - who think any partner is better than no partner and are highly dependent as a result. Then there's selective memory, remembering only the good times and not the bad ones. Very common if someone's trying to rationalise a bad decision and is in thrall to a bully. If money's important to her, it's amazing what someone will tolerate for access to a gold credit card... sad but true. Low self-esteem will be in there as well. Settling for something second-rate because she doesn't think she can do any better. Selfishness if he's treated her eldest child badly. Stupidity can't be ruled out either.

So all you can do is butt out and let her get on with it...

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