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Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

(1000 Posts)
foolonthehill Thu 23-May-13 18:05:22

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans – He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out – You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change…please don’t give him the link…print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

foolonthehill Thu 23-May-13 18:06:55

Completely caught me on the hop there:

A new thread in time for opening hour

Terms of endearment:
NSDH= not so dear husband
FW= f*c- wit
STBXH=soon to be ex husband

foolonthehill Thu 23-May-13 18:08:46

will be offline for a week or so: stay strong ladies and lurkers (other than stalkers)

If you are new here then grab a copy of St. Ludy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" pull up a bar stool and settle in

flowers brew and wine as required (plus chocolate)

arthriticfingers Thu 23-May-13 18:33:26

thanks fool smile

LaSingeEstSurLaBranche Thu 23-May-13 19:08:18

Marking place

NotSoNervous Thu 23-May-13 20:15:04

Marking place

butterflymeadow Thu 23-May-13 20:42:04

Hi everyone, thanks to fool for new thread.

I am going to kick off by saying that my current thoughts are the disparity between what the relationship could have and should have been, and what it was. It is really tempting to think it was all in my head but I know it was not. I am missing the 'what it should have been', but the 'what it was' knots my stomach.

I need to take a leaf from Colins book and do a shit list and a gains list.

And on another note, I was kind of upset earlier as dd was at her dad's (first husband) and he must have made some comment about his birthday which is coming up. She said he had mentioned it and she said she would like to go that day to see him. This is typical of him. No invitation has been forthcoming, he has not asked me if she can go, but he puts the idea in her head, so she brings it up. It is not a normal contact day, but if he invited her she could go, although it would involve changing plans. But now I need to either ask him if she can go or wait and see if the invitation is forthcoming. Why does he not just ask me first before going on about it to her? Or am I making a worry out of nothing? I am tired of things not being straightforward and ground down by fwittery from dc2 dad, so not sure I am seeing things especially clearly.

LemonDrizzled Thu 23-May-13 21:07:48

22 already!! Its a hardy perennial!

For someone who asked last thread, FW is a Fuckwit, and I am proud to say that MY Fuckwit was the original model on an early thread grin

WinnieFosterTether Thu 23-May-13 21:09:13

Fool you are a star thanks

butterfly I think your ex was being inconsiderate to mention his birthday but not suggest a firm arrangement. I don't think you're being influenced by current fwittery. (However I'm not having the best week here so my tolerance levels are practically non-existent, meaning I might not be the best person to offer perspective sad )

BreatheandFlyAway Thu 23-May-13 21:22:10

Thank you fool thanks brew

Lemon wine for coining this valuable addition to the OED:

FW, n.
Pronunciation: fukwyt
Etymology: Early EA thread, LemonDrizzled
Definition: one who is a fuckwit, a nasty person, usually a man. One who plays with mind, body and soul in an unkind and manipulative way. See also Gaslight, Spaghetti Head, Fwittery and FOG.

Montessorisam Thu 23-May-13 21:28:22

Hi just checking in to new thread. Almost one week alone. Kids seem to be doing ok. In fact they are their usual happy selves! I am a bit up and down. Hardly sleeping...taking Kalms (6 last night and still no luck!) I keep jumping awake over and over. It's like an anxiety thing; the last couple of months with STBXH was bloody awful so I have spent two months on pins. That will probably take a bit to relax from. Anybody else experience horrendous nights like this after you split up from H?

LaSingeEstSurLaBranche Thu 23-May-13 21:34:39

Oh god Monte, when I left DD and I had to share a bed at my DM's for a fortnight due to lack of space. I was waking up all the time, or I'd sleep for a few hours at a stretch, but wake at 5 and be unable to get back to sleep. I think it is adrenalin to be honest. It settled after a couple of weeks.

Montessorisam Thu 23-May-13 21:41:49

sing yes adrenalin seems about right. It's like an exhausted feeling but unable to sit down! I have been doing 8 mile runs but still can't sleep! And yes, I am sleeping for a few hours and then waking before the alarm at 6.20am. Its' rubbish! Looking forward to it settling. Thanks for sharing with me.

LaSingeEstSurLaBranche Thu 23-May-13 21:47:40

No problem. Give it a couple of weeks like I said, let your body just relax without feeling on tenterhooks for the next onslaught. It took me a long time for my heart to not race every time I saw it was him ringing or texting, but I got there. Nearly 8 months out now and have a date for the Decree Nisi now. You will feel better day by day.

yummytummy Thu 23-May-13 21:48:36

Hi everyone just checking in. Am planning to have talk with fw on sat. Want to tell him to move out and that I want to separate. Am def gonna try for me and kids to stay in house. Lets see what he says he aint gonna like it. If he doesnt go then will have to get orders etc but want to avoid if possible.

Its so inspiring reading the thread and about those who have got out. Its never easy but the relief must be immense. Just being able to breathe in peace and not wake up every day in fear of what will come.

Even today ds vomited in morning and was cleaning up then got loads of earache they are sick too much blah blah ur crap etc etc if ds wasnt there wd have told him to f off. Such a giant arse shaped twat. Sooo hoping to be rid of him soon. Wish he would go easily but I guess thats too much to hope for.

Hand holding for sat eek

LaSingeEstSurLaBranche Thu 23-May-13 21:50:01

Be safe Yummy. I remember your threads. Could you have someone in RL on standby?

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 23-May-13 21:51:58

It took a year from me filing for divorce from FW to get to the point when EXFW moved out. My sleep was all over the place during that year, as I battled to keep the house and my sanity, but by the time he went my sleep was thankfully being regulated by medication, so at least I was rested at that point.

I expected that when he did move out I'd feel all free and full of energy. Instead I spent the weekend that he went, and the following week, like a weak wrung out thing, hiding under the duvet a lot. It didn't last v long, but hit again at Christmas, even though I wanted, and enjoyed, a v quiet one on my own.

It makes you realise how strong we are to survive, if the fallout after the ending is that much.

Montessorisam Thu 23-May-13 21:53:56

yummy it does take super human strength. But you will do it! It took a good couple of months of arguing, stonewalling, physical abuse, threats (all of this from him) before my FW left. Oh my God the relief is indescribable. Still very up and down about it all. But I feel free! Light. No more crushing blackness from his moods, put downs, his depressions! I can be me and find the time to explore who 'me' is! You will find plenty of handholding on here. Good luck with the talk.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 23-May-13 21:54:19

x-post - my previous was a reply to Mont.

yummy you sound calm and determined. The kitchen brigade will be on standby.

LemonDrizzled Thu 23-May-13 21:57:49

I remember the first month after I moved out and just had a mattress on the floor I would wake up suddenly in the small hours with a thump of panic in my chest. I would think the room was flooded and I was floating away, or there were electric cables snaking around the floor, or once there were tiny sausages crawling around the room.
Mad? Just a bit!
Tis lovely now...

yummytummy Thu 23-May-13 21:58:43

It must be so nice to be out the other side though. Its probably delayed relief and realising the shitness of it all facing it then getting over it. These fwd should all be slaughtered hate them all for causing so much pain. They can all fw. I will neverever trust that a man can be ddecent. Dont really believe the nice stories.

Anyway no back up in rl. But have insisted on public place for meeting as he wont be able to kick off or attack me in public and worse case scenario he goes off then I can get bus back. If he doesnt want to hear it tough

LemonDrizzled Thu 23-May-13 21:59:09

I'm sharpening my peeler for Yummy smile

and pouring another wine

Montessorisam Thu 23-May-13 21:59:11

pussycat thanks. x post. I do feel full of energy but also wrung out at times too. Weird combination. I half a week off next week and I fully expect to feel completely exhausted once I get a chance to sit down. As I work everyday and have 3 kids I am kept busy. Will expect some emotional fallout next week and must keep my chin up!

Montessorisam Thu 23-May-13 22:01:42

Lemon yes. I keep imagining/dreaming that husband is coming up the stairs and is in the room. Scary shit. Then I properly wake up. arrrgghh

LemonDrizzled Thu 23-May-13 22:07:08

Have you got really good locks? If you make a big deal of locking up at night you will convince your psyche that nobody can get in and you might sleep better. It does improve though, honestly.

And Yummy I didn't think there were any decent men apart from my lovely Dad, till I met DP who is the nicest man ever. Messy yes, and obsessed with his hobby, but that's another story! Just give it time.

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