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Is he having an emotional affair?

(169 Posts)
Fern65 Thu 23-May-13 11:58:51

DH takes his phone with him just about everywhere and is always checking for messages when I'm not around. He even takes it straight to the bathroom first thing in the morning (if he hasn't already checked it under the duvet before getting out of bed).

He is on Facebook every night messaging whilst looking at other stuff on the internet. I started to worry about him being so secretive and have been trying to see who he's messaging on FB and it's always the same person. He has exchanged messages with her every day since I started paying attention to it all but it's been going on for months. I can't see what they are typing and he hides it if I get too close.

I asked him who she was and he said just a friend. I told him I wasn't happy with the amount of time he was devoting to her and he got very defensive saying that she was the best friend he had had in years. Since then he is still messaging her except the message box is now minimised to the tiniest size on the furthest side of the screen from where I sit.

I've read on here about emotional affairs but at what point does a friendship cross the line and become an emotional affair. I've no idea what the content of the messages is and no way of checking due to passwords. I briefly see her commenting on his FB posts and these can include a heart or xx at the end but then I sometimes do that with my friends. Any opinions?

TheVermiciousKnid Thu 04-Jul-13 14:06:19

men are simple creatures and it doesn't take much for another woman to get their attention if she really wants to


You are not going to make friends and influence people by digging up old threads about affairs, adding virtually identical posts and promoting your blog...

Betrayed40 Thu 04-Jul-13 13:35:37

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

unobtanium Tue 11-Jun-13 13:29:01

Hi Fern, what a devastating story. I am so sorry, and send you all the strong-woman vibes you will need.

AgathaF Tue 11-Jun-13 08:09:26

Fern this book is recommended often on MN. Could you get hold of a copy? It would be good if your H would read it too, although if he is in denial of wrongdoing to you and wanting you to forget anything has happened, then maybe he will refuse to read it.

familyscapegoat Mon 10-Jun-13 23:51:34

Fern having been through this myself all I can advise you with all my heart is to be strong and not to try to make things work from this very low platform.

Your husband has no idea of the enormity of his actions and from what you've said on this thread, is still lying to you about the extent of this other relationship.

It is not possible to brush this under the carpet and move on.

My feeling is that you've already got enough to make your decision that the marriage is over, so be careful of setting yourself further tests before you will act.

People truly never value anything that's so easy to thow away and get back. They only value what is difficult to attain and hang on to, or retrieve when it's been lost.

skyeskyeskye Mon 10-Jun-13 23:50:36

Fern - I think from what I have read on here that full and open disclosure is the only way that people can get through it and over it, they have to be certain that there are no more secrets.

My XH hid everything from me. I begged him to come back, but with hindsight I never would have trusted him. he would have had to cut all contact with his best mate and his wife. I would have wondered every time he picked the phone up, who he was contacting.

Please get some legal advice if you haven't already, make sure that you know your rights and don't agree to anything without legal advice.

I am sorry if your marriage is over. If he really wanted to save it, he would be doing everything he could to reassure you. He obviously has something that he doesn't want you to see. sad

Fern65 Mon 10-Jun-13 23:38:51

Sorry never actually updated this thread. I did speak to h and I did make a mistake regarding FB. I got my icons mixed up and it was actually his email inbox that I had seen. He has not been back in touch with her and the FB account remains deleted.

H is off work for a number of weeks at the moment and we have been trying to make things work. he seems to be carrying on as if nothing has happened (although he hardly uses his laptop anymore). I have moments when things feel normal and then it all comes flooding back. It's mental torture and I just can't deal with it. Having read about 6 days worth of messages my imagination has been going into overdrive. Was there more to it? Were they physically involved? I know the FB account isn't deleted until 14 days after the initial request so today I asked h to log in because I needed to know for my own sanity what had gone on in their discussions. I expected him to moan a bit but I wasn't expecting him to completely refuse. He told me to get over it, brush it under the carpet, let's just move on. Well, seems to me that there probably is more to it after all.

If I'm right then he has lied again and it's over. If he refuses to show me and the account is deleted then, it's over. So I think that's it my marriage is finished.

Fern65 Mon 10-Jun-13 23:18:43

yorkshirewoman really sorry to hear your story sad I can certainly understand the mental torture as that is exactly how things have been with me too. I'm nearly 40 but financially I will be left with next to nothing. H will lose very little.

yorkshirewoman Thu 06-Jun-13 10:42:23

I am sorting out financial stuff with solicitor - but still leaves me in v bad position financially - he knows that he is in a much better position than me - so a lot of smirking is going on. What is really painful is that all this stuff was hidden from me (and still is) He maintains its just friendship and platonic - so no problem. However it is pure mental torture for me. He just doesn't get it. Secrets from partners are where trouble starts and he is a v secretive man.
It looks awful in print unfortunately it's all true and v v painful. Thank god for my sons who are being v supportive.

Jessdurberville Thu 06-Jun-13 10:08:37

Dear god yorkshirewoman - that is shocking.

skyeskyeskye Thu 06-Jun-13 10:07:04

yorkshirewoman - sorry to hear your story. your P and this woman are definitely involved. My XH and OW were exactly the same, we are just friends, he understands me better than my H, blah blah blah. But you dont send messages saying, miss you, love you, adore you etc if you are just friends. My XH also texted/emailed OW all through our family holiday and family events.

Do you own your house 50/50? If so, you are entitled to at least a half share. But you say you have had legal advice, so I presume that you know that your rights are.

I can understand that it is difficult for you to get out at your age and it is good of you to advise Fern based on your experience.

yorkshirewoman Thu 06-Jun-13 10:00:47

I posted ages ago - but am in exactly the same position - found mobile unattended (in his bed - apparently lots of couples sleep in separate rooms) with masses of messages to OW - 'I love you .. I so adore you...etc lots of kisses .. even txtd/phoned while we were on holiday - and at Christmas - why? because she was lonely! I was given her life story and expected to feel sorry for her, unbelievable. He V active leftwing political activist met her through union work. (He also into women's underwear - big time - again found accidentally)
P won't talk about anything now all my fault because I found his mobile - I have been threatened with legal action (union man to the core) because I invaded his privacy and sent txts to OW when I found his phone asking her what she was up to. Assured by them both its platonic.
- but mobile never out of his hands - laptop p/worded to death - he meets her most days - so am in some sort of weird nether world - but been to solicitors etc, He is much richer than me and so are his family - so he wins either way - will buy me out of the house/garden I created - as he lives largely in the attic room - just is stressing me out.
Been with him for 20yrs - not married - active feminist - but thinking back shld have got married as it wld have given me more legal protection.
Now fearful of the future at nearly 65 - OW is 40 - So if you are younger than me, Fern, and are better protected - get out now. For me it is going to be extremely difficult - poverty and old age aint in it.
Sorry this is long but really pissed off.

LondonKitty Wed 05-Jun-13 23:37:30

Also wanted to post my support today. Hope you are ok?

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Tue 04-Jun-13 14:26:11

That was meant to read 'will his job continue to fund school places and continue with any mobility package you may have'.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Tue 04-Jun-13 14:24:24

The best you can do in the awful situation is to take control Fern
I hope you got some answers last night. I have a feeling that your H is utterly devoid of guilt or remorse which will make getting the truth and moving on much harder for you.
What so your next step, do you have a number for your husbands HR in case you need to find out your rights (eg will the school continue to fund any mobility package you may have if you live separately etc) or repatriation rights if it comes down to that.

lazarusb Tue 04-Jun-13 10:38:29

Delurking to wish you strength. Your thread is such a difficult one to read. The complete lack of respect these two imbeciles are showing you is making me very angry. It is so hurtful. They're acting like they can brush your feelings under the carpet and carry on. Despicable.

skyeskyeskye Tue 04-Jun-13 09:55:22

Fern - I hope that you managed to talk to him last night and that you are OK.

Please don't take any excuses from him, you gave him a chance and he betrayed it.

LilyAmaryllis Tue 04-Jun-13 09:47:33

Did you manage to talk last night?

A1980 Tue 04-Jun-13 08:31:37

Also watch how quickly their affair burns out once he turns ip on her doorstep step with his bags

overture Tue 04-Jun-13 08:29:44

I agree with Spree.
Reading this thread is likened to watching a car smash in slow motion. So very hard to read, I feel to terrible sad for you and your dc. I cannot believe how selfish and completely disrespectful your DH is toward you and your marriage.
I think you're very tolerant perhaps to a bit of a fault, but I understand you live somewhere that makes it difficult. Keep being strong, and head held high.
I hope you are ok this morning. You've handle everything thus far with a lot of grace and patience, hope he comes to his senses and realise how awful he is acting. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

Spree Tue 04-Jun-13 03:55:15

There is another poster on here who's always said "loss motivates cheaters" and I cannot agree more.

He needs to feel the loss of you, his children, his warm home, home cooked meals, laundry service - all of this before he will come to his senses and come out of his little "lurve fog".

I have been there & can say, hand on heart, that the best thing I ever did, was to kick him out when I found out, I would not let him home - he had to stay in a cheap hotel for a few nights then find a tiny apartment.

He came to his senses not long after that & we are trying to rebuild (the most difficult thing I have ever done & not sure I'd recommend it)

Good luck

ShinyPenny Tue 04-Jun-13 02:51:50

I wonder if his plan to visit family, alone, later this month is going to involve her.
I really think you should ask him to leave.

Greenkit Tue 04-Jun-13 02:07:46

I have another FB account so I have checked that his account is definitely deleted. Have also looked at other woman's account and this morning she changed her profile pic to a photo of her with a stupid grin, photo shopped devil eyes and she's holding a pawn. Underneath she's written "checkmate..." Only goes to show it wasn't all inncent "friendship".

What a bitch

Kick him out x

LondonKitty Tue 04-Jun-13 00:03:56

No, I stand by the smash his phone view.

There's nothing at all crazy about it. He's been a complete shit and it would actually be crazier not to.

It will make you feel better, and is his instrument of betrayal, so frankly is totally a legitimate target.

Please let us know if you have someone in RL to help you because it is just too hard to do this by yourself.

Sending you be strong thoughts!

LadyMaiBlossom Mon 03-Jun-13 23:49:01

I think you need to make an exit plan and see a lawyer. I dont see how this can get better, he knows you know and is still dating ow.

Ask him to leave.

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