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Is he having an emotional affair?

(169 Posts)
Fern65 Thu 23-May-13 11:58:51

DH takes his phone with him just about everywhere and is always checking for messages when I'm not around. He even takes it straight to the bathroom first thing in the morning (if he hasn't already checked it under the duvet before getting out of bed).

He is on Facebook every night messaging whilst looking at other stuff on the internet. I started to worry about him being so secretive and have been trying to see who he's messaging on FB and it's always the same person. He has exchanged messages with her every day since I started paying attention to it all but it's been going on for months. I can't see what they are typing and he hides it if I get too close.

I asked him who she was and he said just a friend. I told him I wasn't happy with the amount of time he was devoting to her and he got very defensive saying that she was the best friend he had had in years. Since then he is still messaging her except the message box is now minimised to the tiniest size on the furthest side of the screen from where I sit.

I've read on here about emotional affairs but at what point does a friendship cross the line and become an emotional affair. I've no idea what the content of the messages is and no way of checking due to passwords. I briefly see her commenting on his FB posts and these can include a heart or xx at the end but then I sometimes do that with my friends. Any opinions?

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 15:47:25

Fern, X-posted with you earlier as it took me so long to write my post as I was supposed to be working blush.

That song says it all really doesn't it. Yes, you could be jumping to conclusions, but you probably aren't....

I am not a person who shouts LTB, it is your marriage, and only you can decide what to do, but he seriously needs to stop the contact or you will have no marriage. He is emotionally invested in her and that is all that you need to know.

I am so sorry that you found that song. My XH kept posting love songs on facebook and OW was putting a like on them. Everybody commented on it and I was saying, oh thats just his mates wife, he hardly knows her. Little did I know....

keep posting, get your thoughts out here...

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 16:28:23

Oh dear, he's got it bad huh? I would predict that the dumb twat will have his heart broken and come crawling back to you...but will you still want him?

Distrustinggirlnow Thu 23-May-13 16:52:42

Firstly an unmumsnetty (((hug)))
You have been given excellent advice upthread OP, Skye and cognito sending you very wise words amongst others.

IME when DH took his phone into the bathroom in the mornings, when he stayed late in his office, when he didn't come to bed at the same time as me in the evening, he had an OW. Im Sorry. I didn't have MN at the time or I would've spotted it sooner. You do, so take advantage of it.

You could ask him outright but he will deny and delete, minimise and drip feed and generally do your head in. He's has what's known as 'checked out' .

It doesn't sound like he wants to stop. I would tell him you know and ask him to leave. Let him go to his best friend. Meanwhile you're free to find someone who deserves you.

So sorry this is happening to you, it is horrible.

Thisisaeuphemism Thu 23-May-13 16:54:47

Yes, I don't know what else you can do but get him to leave. They think they are in love? Leave them to it.

What a horrid thing to find sad

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 17:06:32

Well...he's in 'love'. Who knows about her. Your jumping to a big conclusion if you think the ow actually wants your husband on a full time basis. Let him go, OP. It will either be an act of kindness on your part in letting true lovers be together or you will find out quickly how much less attractive men seem after someone else has dumped them.

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 18:01:16

distrusting - yes, XH also worked late and started going to bed later than me. After years of going to bed at 10.30pm, all of a sudden he was still up and I was going to bed later than him!

Fern - distrusting is right, whatever you ask him, he will minimise the truth and lie about it. He has checked out emotionally, just as my XH did to me. He went from sending me loving Christmas cards, to two months later, after meeting OW, to claiming that he had been unhappy for years. His words didnt match his actions.

Save yourself some heartache, hit him before he hits you. (metaphorically, Im not condoning physical violence). Once he has been asked to leave his home and give you space, he may well come running back. At that point, you need to decide if you want him back!

lifeshocker Thu 23-May-13 18:53:06

Your story rings so many bells with me the secretive endless texts. Late night calls , posting songs to each other on facebook. My dh changed her name on his phone to his male friends so look out for that.
My dh also said she was his best friend too.
Please dont do what I did initially and put up with any of his new "frienship" I tore myself in two believing I was being controlling and possesive.
y husband refused to give up his best friendand I eventually found some strength and self esteem and we split.This is nearly 3 years ago and we are now back together after he almost lost everything.
A bit of a warning after the fact my dh can see how totally inappropriate the whole thing was but at the time couldnt see it. If your dh is infactuated he might notsee it. You need to act quick and act tough.

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 20:01:23

lifeshocker - good post there. I often wonder what my XH will think after the fantasy bubble bursts with him. I wonder if it will hit him like a train and he will think WTF have I done to my life.... He would not acknowledge that what he was doing was wrong, yet I know if I had come home and told him the same things happening to somebody else, he would have been appalled......... The morals/personality transplant is all part of it.....

maybe he won't one day think WTF, but one thing is for sure, for anybody in this situation, until the bubble bursts, they will never see it.

My Xh had a call on his mobile of 1.5 hours to OW. This was a week before he suddenly walked out. When I asked him why he phoned her, he said he couldnt remember.

Fern - I hope that you are doing OK. Please do offload here, whatever is happening. We can all say what we think, but it is your life, please dont be put off by anything that we think you should say or do

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 20:08:56

I would say he is having an affair and not qualify it as anything less than that

You are being disrespected massively

Throw him out, there is no other course of action that does not add to your own humiliation

Fern65 Thu 23-May-13 20:47:52

Thank you again for all the advice. It's all been driving me crazy and I've no one I can talk to so it's been a big help just to get it all out.

I've got so many thoughts going around my head at the moment that I'm not going to say anything until I'm certain in my own mind what I want to do. I can look through my options and plan what is best for me and the kids.

The more I think about the whole thing the angrier I become. DH is sat in the chair next to me now and I can see the message box popping up every now and then. I am trying to contain myself but I just want to scream at him.

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 20:50:34

what an idiot he must think you are angry

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 20:55:30

Ok, then if that is your decision, get yourself some legal advice asap, so that you can be confident in your rights and so forth.

But I am not sure how long you will be able to ignore it for. I tried to with my XH because I was desperate to get him back, but it was eating away at me. I was scared to say anything in case I upset him hmm but I was in a bad state of shock at the time.

Ask your H to put his phone/ipad away. See what his reaction is!

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 20:57:20

So he's sat there humming chanson d'amour right in front of you and you're just going to sit there?

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 21:00:25

what a fucking piss take

what is wrong with some people that they sit and watch someone make an utter fool out of them ?

take the phone/pc out of his hands and tell him you are looking at the messages

this is what I would do

only if he won't react violently out for that...these types don't like you to stand up to them

Hissy Thu 23-May-13 21:02:30

Oh love, you have to sort this out right now. I'm so sorry.

Stand up, walk over there and ask for the laptop. Tell him you know and you just want to confirm how very much you do know..

Tell him he needn't stay in the room, in fact he could use the time to pack and find a place to stay.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 21:07:04

How about walking over and saying 'right, hand over the laptop'...he'll be so shocked he'll hand it over. Now...let's see what's going on with this French it's not verbs they're conjugating. What a fucking cheek.

ImperialBlether Thu 23-May-13 21:08:54

OP, tell us something more about you. Do you have children together? Do you work full time? Do you share a mortgage?

ImperialBlether Thu 23-May-13 21:12:43

I think everything depends on whether they have children and whether she has any money to spend.

In her position (without kids, with money) I would get up and pack a bag. He won't notice. Then I'd get in the car and drive off. I wouldn't be in touch with him except via a solicitor's letter. He needs an absolute wake up call.

If I did have children, I'd pack his bag and tell him to get out tonight.

How disrespectful he is, talking to her while he's sitting next to her.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 21:16:48

Don't think I'd be leaving...I'd help him pack alright though. Doesn't matter if they share the mortgage, they are marrried. Income is an issue though. I think I would see a solicitor ASAP and file for divorce...(or get on online dating and sort out a bit on the side for yourself!)

ImperialBlether Thu 23-May-13 21:19:41

Yes, you're right. I'm thinking of when I first found out my ex husband was cheating - we were living together and renting - I really do wish I'd done a disappearing act. A kind of "be careful what you wish for" thing.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 21:30:05

I think it's all you can do. Doing the whole 'you have to work out what you want....I'll do anything for the sake of the marriage/children etc' thing is doomed to failure cos it's basically saying 'do what you want, I'll still be here' and he's thinking 'great I'm God's gift to women, they all want me'. Better to say 'do what you want, I'm outta here'...which makes him go 'erm....but I Love you...' or at least forces him to move quicker.

Fern65 Thu 23-May-13 21:36:09

Unfortunately things aren't very straightforward, hence the reason why I want to look at my options.

We have 2 dc and I'm a sahm. I'm not in the UK and can speak very little of the language here (although I am learning). Returning to the UK is not something I want to do and would not benefit the dc.

skyeskyeskye Thu 23-May-13 21:41:42

Fern - you have to do what is right for you. Everybody wants to help, but only you know the situation that you are living in.

If you are living abroad, then you do need to look at all your options. Were the children born there? Would you be able to take them out of the country if you wanted to?

Divorce laws can vary in different countries, so please make sure that you get legal advice, that you can understand

AnyFucker Thu 23-May-13 21:45:49

because you are living abroad, it gives him the right to treat you like a fool ?

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 22:40:44

He needs you at home to look after the kids remember...

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