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How does one start the 'you are terrible in bed' conversation?

(103 Posts)
PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 11:09:42

That's it really.

I have a very lovely boyfriend, been together 6 mths. For the first couple of weeks sex was also rather lovely especially after my very long break

He was coming off anti depressants when we met, now totally off, and he is cheerful, normal and kind. But they left a bit of a legacy in his penis apparently, and he just could not keep it up. This frustrated and embarrassed him, and I really didn't want to put any pressure on, so til last night we have not had sex for two and a half months.

I wouldn't mind so much, but he literally has not touched me in a sexual way in that time, we kiss and cudde a lot, but it's like he can't put his hands below my neck. And this is a man that says he loves boobs and often comments that mine look nice.

So, last night. He has been to docs and has the blue pills, took him a while, but he did it. Excellent. HE STILL DID NOT TOUCH ME.

Excuse the TMI but: We were in bed. Tshirts on. We kissed a bit, I felt him getting hard on my leg, he said 'it's working' kind of lifted me on top of him (I'm tiny, hes massive and strong). I wasn't quite ready, could have done with a bit more warming up, you know? But I didn't want to spoil the boner, so managed. Rode him for a bit, he lay there eyes closed. I got a bit bored and got off. He got on top for a bit. He came. Rolled off, said thank you. Spooned to sleep.

I feel bloody cheated. I wanted actual sex and an orgasm all of my own not... well whatever the hell that was. Rubbish.

How do I tell him? I know he knows what to do, he did it when we first met. I want him to keep doing it. HELP.

(Everything else relationship wise is great btw, he shares money/housework when he is at mine/buys food etc.)

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 12:26:10

A few background facts.

Lovely Bloke and I are in our v early sixties. (God that looks awful written down). Before we got together I thought I was past all that. But now it feels like we are teenagers, helped by the fact that we only stay at one another's a couple of times a week, if that. The teenager thing is helped partly because he is v v good at heavy petting (that awful phrase), esp by touching boobs, which I love. But this, though he brings me to orgasm that way blush just makes me want other stuff as well. So I find myself in a state of satisfaction and frustration at the same time. Just like a teenager! This is fine - for the time being.

Phew! It is weird writing this.

Beatrixpotty Thu 23-May-13 12:31:27

If that's the first time he's taken Viagra and previously had ED,he was probably really anxious about it working and worried that if he spent time warming up he might have just gone floppy again.Knowing that he can get it up again will probably boost his confidence and he can spend a bit more time making it better for you next time.I wouldn't give up on him just yet,give it a bit more time.At least he's acknowledged the problem and is trying to sort it out,he sounds like a good bloke otherwise.

MirandaWest Thu 23-May-13 12:37:03

I've been with my bf just over a year. He suffered from ED at the beginning of our relationship - no erections at all. I wanted to stay with him so was very patient about it and things improved a lot smile.

But all that time he focused on me and touched me all over, gave me oral sex and I had lots of orgasms. That part is missing for you and that's the part that I feel is more a problem. PIV is only one aspect of sex (although one I do enjoy a lot) and while Viagra can help with that, it's not going to help with you enjoying sex with him.

kotinka Thu 23-May-13 12:38:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 13:17:35

Felpersham grin how lovely, that teenagerey feeling! But I hope you get more satisfied soon. Are you seeing a Dr or anything? thank you for sharing your experience x

I am determined to not give up on him, as he is, like Beatrix said a jolly nice bloke.

Miranda has kind of got the point. I THINK, that he maybe was not getting me excited, so to speak, as he thought I would then expect PIV, and he couldn't. But I am speculating with that one.

He's has plenty of partners, this is another thing I am thinking. He's a bit >whispers< famous blush (I didn't actually know this when we got together, he was a friend of a friend) and I think girls have previously thrown themselves at him and he's never had to work very hard. Maybe. I'm not really a thrower. I'm a demanding feminist grin

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 13:24:37

He is a worrier though. And I know he really wants our relationship to work.

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 13:36:20

LB didn't do things I asked, in non-verbal or verbal ways, at the start. Some of the reason, I hazard a guess, is because he was thinking of PIV and afraid of PE if doing things to me set him off before time. When we did manage PIV (erection arises and subsides, arises and subsides, with varying hardness) it triggered orgasm (for both of us) and resulted in immediate leg cramps for LB. So, not surprisingly, this may make him a little ambivalent! And at his place, he could be overheard blush

So that's kind of similar to the miranda point, with added leg cramp fear.

I also spoke to him gently and clearly, and before the heat of passion (!) about certain things I really wanted him to do, and he has now listened.

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 13:44:38

Oh poor LB (does that stand for Lovely Beard BTW, as that what we call my friends DH grin ). It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship, able to talk about all these things.

I'm glad that's not a mad way to think he is thinking though, as he really is very unselfish and giving in all other ways - so it does seem strange for him to be selfish in bed, surely that would spill over to other areas?

So,gentle talking and see what happens next then. With a bit of a guiding hand and equipped with a road map. This is the plan.

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 13:57:14

I have followed Lillian's story since she was in her teens and got a pony for her birthday smile - am just slightly younger than her. There was speculation on the Radio Addicts board as to whether <ahem> passion was realistic at her age. Lovely Bloke and I will not be outdone by Paul and Lillian - I am determined grin and randy grin and 17 and we have all the time in the world...

larrygrylls Thu 23-May-13 13:59:32

Let's imagine the situation the other way around.

Would you touch a man below the neck if the expectation was that you then had to give him a mind blowing orgasm, even if it meant half an hour or more of hard work and that if you failed, he would be immensely sad and blame you for your "rubbish" sex life? No pressure, then!

There must have been a point in the sexual revolution where things were equal but, judging by threads in here, it seems to be entirely up to the man to create a great sex life without any equal obligation on the woman. And this is justified by "well, he came" as if a few jerks of a semi hard on by definition constitute great sex (by the way, this is NOT personal and certainly not re my wife although I have had inconsiderate lovers in my past).

A great sex life entails good communication and an equal interest in one's partner's pleasure (on both sides). The resentment at your lack of orgasm seems to have entirely overwhelmed any pleasure in the fact that your clearly nervous partner managed sex for the first time in quite a while. You have to ask yourself why. And, even from a selfish perspective, if you can get pleasure from your partner's pleasure, you are far more likely to obtain physically fulfilment. After the sex, why could you not have been happy for him and then asked him to bring you to orgasm with his mouth or hands and then enjoyed that? And if you turn great sex into a deal breaker, I can guarantee you will split up. No one can perform under that kind of pressure (well, maybe no-one over 25).

If you want to have great sex, you have to be prepared to ask nicely for what you want and to have some flexibility as to how your orgasm is achieved. The only fair thing to ask for in a sexual relationship is an unselfish attitude and an interest in your pleasure. And you have to bring the same attitude to the table.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 14:03:59

Sorry Larry but what a crock! Surely even the most nervous of 'lovers' knows that a bit of 'touching' is required and that roll on/roll off is not an option. They've had good sex before and he's had plenty of experience from the sound of it.

larrygrylls Thu 23-May-13 14:08:29


It is an attitudinal thing. You clearly don't get it. You are not alone in MN in thinking that sexual pleasure for a man is automatic and a woman can be completely selfish.

"I rode him for a bit, got bored, so I hopped off"

Says it all to me. Did she care what her partner wanted? If a man said "was shagging her, didn't feel much, so pulled out" without any regard for how his partner was feeling, how close she was to her orgasm, or what she wanted at that moment, what would you say about that?

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 14:13:10

Thanks Larry for telling me what I think! What would MN do without enlightened guys like you telling us about equality.

expatinscotland Thu 23-May-13 14:18:01

What korma said.

larrygrylls Thu 23-May-13 14:18:39

If written words don't imply thoughts, then any written forum is pretty pointless. You wrote what you wrote and people can infer your thoughts from that. They may misinfer, in which case you have a chance to explain why, but you cannot clearly state one thing and then claim it implies nothing about the way you think.

And then decide to play what you perceive to be your trump card "oh, I am a victim of the menz so you, a little man, don't you dare speak to me". Well, sorry, but, even as a man, I will read your words and infer how you must think to get to them.

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 14:22:24

No I usually have and give good sex. If I'd been seeing a guy six months there's no way that two and a half of those would be sexless...and I've never been out with anyone who didn't touch me (and I touched back) 'below the belt'.

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 14:22:35

larry I have not given every detail blush. That may make it look one-sided to you.

AFAIK women don't have that pressure-making expectation. They like to be aroused, and some even like to be seduced. You seem to think we ping on like a light bulb.

NoNoNotFelpershamRaces Thu 23-May-13 14:23:20

*although sometimes of course, we do wink

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 14:23:39

Larry, you have misunderstood me, I have been flippant in descriptions on here as that is an easy way for me to talk about difficult things, and most people have understood.

I have been extremely patient, and kind, and non pressurising in every way. This is an anonymous now Ive namechanged forum where I am saying things I would never say to him, as I don't want to hurt his feelings or knock his confidence in anyway. I am both looking for serious advice while blowing off steam. I think maybe women do this and it is rather difficult for entitled men to understand.

And yes, I did bloody beaver away for more than half an hour to get him to orgasm on several occasions so there. And yes, on this occasion I did get bored and got off a non-responsive just-lying-there-eyes-closed man as I was bored. I'd expect the same in return, but I've never done that as I clearly find it a bit of a passion killer.

I am prepared to communicate and ask nicely for what I would like and I will do so. Thank you for your comments smile

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 14:26:44

Felpersham One of my proudest moments was getting 'Lillian' in the 'Which Archer are you?' quiz grin And my daughter says I laugh just like her fucksticks. this is mildly worrying as I am not quite 40 yet blush

Lovingfreedom Thu 23-May-13 14:27:11

I'm wondering where I implied that 'sexual pleasure for a man is automatic and that a woman can be completely selfish'. Bloody hell I wouldn't have right arm muscles like these if either of those statements of my belief were true!

expatinscotland Thu 23-May-13 14:29:09

You are six months in, the sex is shit, sex is important to you, why are you beavering away at all? Life is too short! 'Boyfriend, this relationship. Isn't working for me. It's far too much like work too early in.'

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 14:29:45

Batteries LovingFreedom? I bought a job lot wink

PusscatAndTiger4Eva Thu 23-May-13 14:32:14

expat but it is only the sex. And it's not been entirely his fault (see what I said about the anti-d's and his confidence went to pot) In every other way he is a great partner, and ace fun to be with and is LOVELY to me. I do think I should give it more time having read other's responses. I really do not want to dump him. We would both be heartbroken. And my dog really likes him too.

expatinscotland Thu 23-May-13 14:33:54

If it were only sex, you would've have bothered posting here.

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