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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

ExP taking DC on holiday to Spain with new Gf - wwyd?

85 replies

OliviaMMumsnet · 22/05/2013 21:19

Hello MNers,
I am posting on behalf of a RL friend so be frank but polite please:

Ex is planning to take the Primary age DC away in summer to Spain for a week, which I am very happy about, as they will have fun. My problem is that his girlfriend of 2 years is going. I have asked to meet her for the last two years. I have sent her message/ e mail, I have always been polite. She refuses to meet me. As a result of this I have refused to hand over the passports until I meet her. Am I doing the right thing?

TIA

OP posts:

Report

meemar · 22/05/2013 21:22

What are the reasons given for not wanting to meet?

kilmuir · 22/05/2013 21:23

i would insist on meeting her before they went

Sam100 · 22/05/2013 21:25

Yes. I would want to know who my young children were going away with too.

I can understand why the gf may not want to meet though. Probably worried that it would be horrible for her and is thinking about herself and not about the children.

Shakey1500 · 22/05/2013 21:25

It's absolutely NOT unreasonable to meet one of the two people that would be taking her DC abroad.

But yes, what are the reasons for not meeting up till now? Very strange no? How is the relationship with the ex, amicable? If so, surely he could see the point?

relaxingathome · 22/05/2013 21:26

As long as she trusts the ex to be fully responsible for the dc it is of no consequence whether your friend has met the gf or not.
I have no idea who my dc mix with when with their df and I would not expect to do so.
If situations were reversed I would feel very angry if passports being witheld prevented me from taking my dc on holiday with a long term partner.

Hassled · 22/05/2013 21:27

Yes, you're doing the right thing. I know one brief awkward meeting won't mean you "know" her in the sense you can trust her to do the right thing with your kids, but you'll have a sense, an instinct.

I assume the DCs have met her - do they like her?

And also - it's always possible the reluctance to meet isn't actually coming from her - could it be some weird game-playing from the Ex?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 22/05/2013 21:29

I don't see why she needs to meet her tbh, its a 2 year relationship, I assume the kids have met her before and are happy with her, and they will really enjoy the holiday, what will an awkward meeting just to say 'hello' achieve?

If she 'puts her foot down' and makes demands like this then
that gives the ex free reign to make demands on her relationships in future too.

RandomMess · 22/05/2013 21:32

YABU how would you feel if your ex was trying to exercise that control over you with new friends or relationships?

TheFutureMrsB · 22/05/2013 21:32

I think it would be wise to meet her and I do think she is doing the right thing. Why on earth wouldn't the new gf want to meet the children's mum?!

I wouldn't be able to rest if I didn't know who was going away with my children.

MissAnnersley · 22/05/2013 21:33

I don't really see the problem. This is your ex's partner and it's his responsibility to decide on her suitability not yours. Are your DC happy? Do they enjoy her company?

I don't really understand the purpose of the meeting.

meemar · 22/05/2013 21:33

I'm not sure it's fair to refuse to hand over the passports on a point of principle unless you have serious reason to believe the children will not be safe on the holiday. Which it doesn't sound like as you've said you are happy about them going and they'll have fun.

If the roles were reversed and your ex refused passports because he had an issue with something on principle, I imagine you'd feel outraged.

Nerfmother · 22/05/2013 21:36

Hmmm, I would probably just google her tbh.

MissAnnersley · 22/05/2013 21:36

And it is wrong to hold on to the passports.

KittyVonCatsworth · 22/05/2013 21:38

It would make me more comfortable to meet her beforehand, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker IMO. It appears as its a stable relationship between her and your X. I have no burning desire to meet DPs X, but if she pushed or it, I'd have o problem. I find her reaction a little odd. Are you trying to make contact via X? Could it be that he doesn't want the meet?

PaperLantern · 22/05/2013 21:38

Really seriously none of her business. I'd hand over the passports sharpish rather than risk being told by a court to hand over the passports and pay of costs of the abandoned holiday

KittyVonCatsworth · 22/05/2013 21:43

I'm a muppet and broke cardinal sin of not reading the post correctly, you have contacted her directly.

You really have no grounds / right to withhold passports, it's childish, controlling and wrong.

TobyLerone · 22/05/2013 21:43

I might be wrong, but don't the passports belong to the holder, not the parent? In which case you cannot hold on to them.

YABU. I can't imagine you'd put up with your ex controlling you like this. He's the one in charge of the DC while they're away, and you have to trust him to make sure he looks after them properly, just as he does when they're with you. This includes choosing suitable friends/partners with whom to spend time along with the children.

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 22/05/2013 21:47

No, you are not doing the right thing, hand the passports over

OliviaMMumsnet · 22/05/2013 21:52

Thanks for contributions so far
I am fighting trolls elsewhere and haven't contacted my mate again.

I can understand her POV - I would want to meet the person taking my babies an aeroplane ride away....

So what should she do if a direct approach hasn't worked?

OP posts:

Concreteblonde · 22/05/2013 21:55

It is very odd that she won't meet you but that says more about her oddness than you.
Having said that, a court would not even entertain the idea of you witholding passports in this case.
As long as you have no concerns about your Exs ability to care for the children safety, then I would strongly advise you to smile, rise about her insecurities or whatever else is causing her to act like this, and focus on the fact that the children will have a lovely holiday.

(I say this as someone who deals constantly with an OW trying to alienate me from my kids and over stepping boundaries at every turn)

Spero · 22/05/2013 21:57

Sorry, but she needs to hand over passports. Unless she has some clear evidence that this woman poses any risk of harm to her children she has no right to dictate to her ex who he can or cannot go on holiday with. It is a shame his girlfriend won't meet her but if she won't, she won't. This is a relationship of two years so presumably their dad knows and trusts her.

If he has to take this to court she will come out of it looking like a controlling and irrational person.

meemar · 22/05/2013 21:59

What does she feel a meet up will achieve though? If she doesn't like the woman she will feel worse about letting them go, but have no grounds to refuse.

However hard it is she must trust her ex H judgement unless she has strong reasons to believe the children are at risk. Which it doesn't sound like.

The girlfriend is within her rights not to meet your friend however strange the refusal may seem.

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MissAnnersley · 22/05/2013 22:00

She is not taking anyone's babies away on her own though. She is accompanying the father of the children, who have known her for 2 years.

I would be dropping the whole idea and handing over the passports.

Lweji · 22/05/2013 22:00

Sorry, but I don't think it's your right to know this woman.
You won't know all the people in charge of your LOs at some point or another.
Your ex is responsible for the children and for the people they are in contact with when he's in charge.
They have been together for 2 years, not two weeks.
It seems that during this time you have no complaints about this woman.

As sure as hell, I wouldn't want to be checked by a partner's ex, nor
would I allow ex to check on a partner.

Just let go.
In fact, if you stop insisting on meeting it might happen faster. :)

Corygal · 22/05/2013 22:01

Can't your mate fb, LinkedIn and google her? Ring her? I would panic after that.

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