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Help moving on, or not, OH's multiple lies

(18 Posts)
HelpMovingOn Wed 22-May-13 20:00:26

Me and other half got together 8 years ago. I have 2 children of 14 and 11 from previous relationship which ended as we got together (although not because we got together, just looking back I shouldn't have rushed into this) and we have a 4 year old together.

I'm going to bullet point a lot of this in the hope I can make it a little less long winded but over the past year or so I have slowly discovered that many, many things that he told me were total lies. Things from when we were first talking before we got together, so deliberately set out to deceive me. I suspected a few things for a while but gradually more and more came to light.

A lot of this, most of it actually, the actual facts are so stupid, there was no need to lie. He admits he doesn't really even know why he did it, some to make himself sound better or more interesting.

- Told me he went to boarding school from a very young age, to the extent of showing me the school, appearing upset when we pass it (not local) as it brought back bad memories, telling me things which happened there.

(He went to local comp, with his sister)

- Telling her owned his house, parents sometimes visited when we were there but I didn't think much of it as they weren't there all the time.

(Their house, not his)

- He had been in the army.

(No. But he was so keen to convince me of this he bought cap badge/pt shirt and bits off eBay)

- He has a Doctorate.

(No - unless you count the one from "university of buy your degree online")

I can't even remember what else to be honest, oh, emailing me from an address bobisnaughty@...... (his name, not Bob!) which apparently was as he needed to set up a new one to be round some software registration thing. Yeah, obvious choice there.

So it's been about 9 months since the big confrontation where I had enough but I still can't move on. I can't believe anything he ever has or ever does say and just can't decide if I ever will.

I've realised nobody can really advise but in a strange way it's good to tell someone as its very difficult in real life.

RandomMess Wed 22-May-13 20:03:12

Doesn't sound very hopeful to me.

HelpMovingOn Wed 22-May-13 20:12:48

You're probably right sad

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Wed 22-May-13 20:14:12

He sounds like a fantasist. I don't think anything will change.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 22-May-13 20:15:36

I can't see how it's possible to be in partnership with someone if you can't believe a word they say - 'I paid the gas bill'; 'I locked the back door'; all those little 'working together' details. Now you know this, do you recall practical things that he lied about? Or is it 'just' his history that he wants to rewrite?

Shakey1500 Wed 22-May-13 20:18:41

An ex of mine did this. Totally outlandish lies, fantasist. And as you say, they were ridiculous things that he didn't need to lie about.

For my part, it drove me mad. I knew deep down he was lying but had never come across someone like that and at one point, began to doubt myself! Eventually I gave myself a bloody good shake and bolted the hell out of that relationship. Felt like I'd "lost" myself for a couple of years sad

AnyFucker Wed 22-May-13 20:25:06

What are you hoping for ?

That Walter Mitty will turn into a normal person ?

Don't count on it.

HelpMovingOn Wed 22-May-13 20:26:14

Seems to just be history really, but of course that now means I can't trust the working late or anything like that ...

Shakey, I feel just like that, it's like some bizarre double life as everyone (family and friends who don't know any of this) think he is amazing!

HelpMovingOn Wed 22-May-13 20:27:09

No, AF, guess I just needed to know I wasn't being unreasonable as all this doubting him has made me start doubting myself.

Shakey1500 Wed 22-May-13 20:31:36

Re-reading his list of lies I would run for the hills. Seriously.

I mean, going to the extent of buying army stuff online? I really hope you are looking at this in a different way now that you've written it down. Don't get me wrong, I know it's really hard, especially when other's think he's the bees knees. But he's deranged.

I really can't see anyone advising that this can/will be a successful relationship. Sorry

AnyFucker Wed 22-May-13 20:38:31

I am sorry too

But I would feel even sorrier if you stayed with him, despite having a child together

He isn't a grown up, he is a sad and sorry individual and you can't fix him

HelpMovingOn Wed 22-May-13 20:38:41

No need to apologise, Shakey, not sure what I wanted really!

It looks ridiculous as a list, I totally see that but when it's one thing at a time over years it's easier to minimise I think.

HelpMovingOn Wed 22-May-13 20:39:42

Thanks AF. I've tried and looking back shouldn't have put up with it at all, probably. Easy said now!

AnyFucker Wed 22-May-13 20:46:55

Can he explain his behaviour, love ?

Does he offer mealy-mouthed excuses or take full responsibility for lying to you on such an extensive and organised scale ?

HelpMovingOn Wed 22-May-13 20:54:11

Bit of both really, he knows he's been unbelievably fucking stupid, sometimes gets upset (I'm completely unsympathetic and always tell him that he has no right to be upset when he is the one who ensured our whole relationship was based on lies) - buy can't really offer any excuses.

I think when we get some time over the weekend I will be making him talk to me. No crying, no evasiveness, proper talking.

Pandemoniaa Wed 22-May-13 20:58:54

I've got a really lovely friend who, in all other respects is a fantastic chap. Unfortunately, he cannot ever tell you the absolute truth and although his "embellishments" stop short at actual lies, we now take pretty much what he says with a pinch of salt.

As a friend, this habit is relatively harmless. As a partner he'd be a nightmare. So I'm afraid that I'd be doubting what your OH says. Regardless. And I couldn't actually live with someone who I couldn't believe. So I fear that this is a huge red flag for your relationship too.

AnyFucker Wed 22-May-13 21:08:42

Oh God, he doesn't cry does he ?

that would leave me utterly cold

if he finds his own behaviour reduces him to the level of a crying baby, why doesn't he just stop doing it

he knows he is rumbled...to persevere with such idiocy means he gets something out of it

God knows what

and it doesn't mean you need to stick around to find out what that might be, if you don't want to

HelpMovingOn Wed 22-May-13 21:30:24

Thanks all.

AF - yes, it leaves me totally cold.

Pandemoniaa - I really don't think I could ever trust him again, or forgive him for what he has already done. I thought I may be able to but it's really not working.

I don't think there has been anything new, but then, who knows, I never will!

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