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Don't see the point in living

(50 Posts)
DrHolmes Wed 22-May-13 19:44:19

All i want in life is to have a house, have a husband and have a baby.

I am living with my bf in his parents house, i can't stand it anymore. I get no space, no time to myself, cant cook without my partners mum looking over my shoulder. They drink a lot and can be very loud, always have music on which comes straight up into our room. Think living with neighbour from hell.

Next: bf and I have been together 3 years. He knows I want to be engaged/married but he says he wants a house first.
All my friends are married or have a house or a baby or all three. I feel like I am dragging behind.

My parents do not live in the UK but came over a few weeks ago and viewed some property and put an offer in on a house. The idea was me and my partner would live in it and pay rent then maybe in 5-10 years my parents would come back and it'd be their retirement home.
The seller has been a nightmare and now the sale has fallen through.
I am miserable. I had all my hopes set on this. I was so happy me and my partner would finally be on our own to start our real life. I also thought the next stage would then be marriage and baby.

All of this has come tumbling down. I cant get a mortgage yet because i have a couple of defaults on my account and i have no savings for a deposit. my partner has his own business but only 1.5 years of books and also no savings so we have no deposit. When i looked into a mortgage on my own even with defaults there was only one lender willing to lend on a property min val 90k but only a 70% mortgage so i'd have to have am i going to get that? It will take years.
My parents wont be looking again, it was a spur of the moment kind of thing so now i am on my own and dont know what to do.

My plan has all gone to pot and i really dont see the point in living. Everyone else seems to have it all.
I have just sat here crying for 2 hours.
I know people say if it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be but that's not good enough! When i found out about what was happening with the seller as i was driving home from work thinking about just speeding and coming off the road. I really do not see how my life will get better and the things I want to happen will take so long I don't want to be miserable for years before it all happens.

inneedofrain Wed 22-May-13 19:46:56

Hang on in there will be people along with better adivce than mine.

But can´t you rent somewhere? even a small one bed flat, just to get out on your own with you BF?

hollyisalovelyname Wed 22-May-13 19:49:16

Oh please don't think that. Why don't you and your bf rent a place ? At least you'll be away from the 'inlaws'. Explain to him how difficult you are finding it. If he doesn't care I think you have to think whether he is the one for you.

TeeManyMartoonis Wed 22-May-13 19:50:34

Ok - first of all, make yourself a nice cup of tea and calm down.

The mortgage situation is shite - unfortunately there are lots of people, just like you (and I) who simply cannot get the deposit together.

BUT - home ownership is not everything. It is something us Brits seem oddly obsessed by. Can you not rent a place together? Whilst I do agree that having a baby in your current situation wouldn't be ideal, perhaps have a chat with your OH about why he is so set on doing things in a certain order. Loads of couples have babies before they buy a house- some people never get to that point!

Would renting not be a possibility or have I missed something?

bulletproofgerbil Wed 22-May-13 20:05:17

So sorry you are feeling so down DrHolmes.

Please though don't think that other people have it all though. Your friends do have their own homes, but loads of people don't and you really aren't the only ones. It's getting so hard to get on the housing ladder these days and lots of people are having to rent when what they really want to do is buy somewhere. Renting isn't ideal but you and bf would have your own space and privacy.

It truly is awful not having any space of your own/to yourself. I had 3 years of that when I had to move back home with my elderly Dad when I was in my mid 40's, after my divorce. It literally did my head in and I was so depressed/angry at times. I can really sympathise. Things did resolve for me - not in the way I'd have chosen and things will resolve for you too. We make plans and have dreams, but life has a funny way of de-railing them and turning out in a different (but not necessarily worse ) way. Your current circumstances won't last forever. I know that doesn't make it feel better, but it's true and you will get something sorted.

DrHolmes Wed 22-May-13 20:05:27

Well, my bf's business has rules and restrictions to the places we live. And also not ideal for renting. He is not keen on renting as its wasting our money we could use to save for deposit. I can see his point there.
We just haven't got anything saved and i was just so happy it was all coming together, now it's not I feel very down. I have taken St Johns wart, never taken it before, anyone know if its any good?

I was looking at renting like i used to but everything has shot up in price but the places aren't as good. So I am not very keen on renting either.
To be fair my partners parents house is reasonably big and rent is very cheap but its just the never being alone and people interfering all the time that drives me round the bend.
A month ago a friend, a guy, bought a 3 bed house and i was due to move in with him. he works away 3 months at a time so i would have a lot of time to myself but my bf wouldnt be able to come because of his business and some people thought it was weird me moving in with a guy friend and leaving my partner behind! So i could still move in with him but because i was starting to think me and my partner would be together i just dont want to do that anymore.
My bf does want to move in together and he was also looking forward to it just being us but he is also not too fussed it's not happening now.

inneedofrain Wed 22-May-13 20:09:54

Ok here goes,

The first thing to do is to set out a plan to sort your defaults out. Money Saving expert can give lots of advice as can the CAB, but once you have those cleared you have a much beter chance of getting a mortgage.

The second thing is to find somewhere to rent, even if it only small and get you and your BF some personal space. Try and find somewhere that is afordable and start banking anything you can even if it is only 20quid a month.

Next look at your income and expenses can you cut back anywhere? Nightsout, sky, mobile phones, smoking, meal plan etc. If you can cut back cut back and put this new money in a savings account.

The hard thing is to adjust your dreams. So rather than a house, and getting married and a kid, start small lets clear the defaults, get a small flat, then save for a deposit etc.

I know at the moment you are wishing you had your friends lives, the grass is always greener and that, but everyone is like that. including your friends that wish they had your life. Dreams can be fufiled you just have to plan a way to get them.

Take a deep breath, have a cuppa and in the morning start planning to get the life you want, and you will soon start feeling better.

DrHolmes Wed 22-May-13 20:11:44

Thanks Bullet.
I know what you are saying is true, I am just so upset.

inneedofrain Wed 22-May-13 20:12:43

Ok, so you can´t rent with yor BF.

But why aren´t you saving?????

Are you actually happy with your BF at the moment? it sounds like he is maybe disagreeing with what you want. That´s fine normally but if it is making you this unhappy, then you need to have a talk together and come up with a plan, so you are both happy

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 22-May-13 20:13:23

If you have cheap rent but aren't saving, how were you going to afford a mortgage?

I don't get the impress

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 22-May-13 20:16:52

Posted too soon.

I don't get the impression that you and your partner want the same things. How old are you both?

inneedofrain Wed 22-May-13 20:19:54


I totally agree.

maypoledancer Wed 22-May-13 20:20:16

Everyone else does not have it all honestly.

Really sorry you are in this situation and the house purchase fell through. Please talk to your parents about how this has made you feel. They may not realise how unhappy this is making you.

Of course you need to get out from under bf's parents' roof. Your wellbeing is more important than saving for a deposit, this is really messing up your life. The housing landscape is changing and renting will be much more the norm in the future. It already is in many European countries, it is only here in the UK that we have this obsessive home-owning culture.

Maybe if you point out to bf that the current situation is driving you so mad that you are considering moving in with your friend he will wake up to how important this is for you. Don't threaten him, just make clear that you are so unhappy it may drive you to that, which goes against your wish to be with him.

Re St John's Wort, some people do find it effective, but just because it is 'herbal' doesn't make it safe. It actually interacts with a lot of other medications so if you are taking any meds already then you should talk to your GP about taking SJW. I think under the circs going to see him/her is a good idea anyway.

DrHolmes Wed 22-May-13 20:21:31

Inneedofrain - Thanks for your posts.
I have already just changed my mobile contract from £40 to £15 a month. And after today I will be cancelling sky and saving the money instead.

Maybe you are right with the grass is always greener. But it seems like ALL my friends have babies or pregnant.
A few weeks ago i mentioned to my mum that it seems like everyone has everything and I have nothing. I said they all are engaged or married, have a house and baby. And she said "for gods sake dont have a baby".
She has said things like this in the past as if it will be the worst thing on earth. Earlier this year she was over and told me she doesnt not want to be a grandmother yet and didnt want to be for a few years. Basically saying don't have a kid! I could imagine if i did get pregnant by accident she wouldn't be happy for me.
I do think i could manage with a baby but actually I didn't want a baby until i had at least a place of my own. I am not too fussed if i am married first or not though it would be nice.

WhizzforAtomms Wed 22-May-13 20:25:35

Have another think about moving in with your friend - it will do wonders for your mental health being out of your in laws home, even if it is temporary. Maybe it will prompt your boyfriend to get a move on saving for that deposit (or an engagement ring) - and if not, it is probably for the best that you know sooner rather than later...

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 22-May-13 20:26:05

To me that sounds like your Mum doesn't think much of your partner. How old are you both?

TeeManyMartoonis Wed 22-May-13 20:27:30

I really do think you both need to think about your objections to renting. No, it is not ideal. But if the situation as it currently is is making you this miserable surely it is the better way? Yes, it means you would have to delay buying but you could have your own space and somewhere you could even raise a family.

In the nicest possibly way, I also think you need to have a very stern look at your finances. £40 mobile, sky, living very cheaply and still not saving - something is not adding up there. I know it is not ideal living with in-laws but you are so lucky to have that as a cushion.

I think the two of you need to sit down and think about your priorities here.

DrHolmes Wed 22-May-13 20:30:02

Well, we did have about 5k savings but both had overdrafts and both have credit cards so we split it and cleared ouroverdraft and cards. So now we are back to nothing.
It took about 7 months to save the 5k.
Also, last year i had looked in to buying a flat but when i was told it wouldnt really happen i booked a holiday instead and have been paying that off too. We havent even been on it yet, its in Oct and the only thing in my life i have to look forward to. Stupid though as it was 2.5k. urgh I am an idiot.
I also used the very last of my savings on a new bed as ours broke.

Basically i earn 24k a year about £1300-£1400 into my account each month. I could prob save 400 a month now. My partner could do 250.
But because of the defaults i still need a HUGE deposit so it will take ages. If i rent somewhere else i cannot save the 400 per month. Ilooked into renting a few months ago before the plant o live with my friend and any good place was 500-700 and my bf couldnt come as no gardens or not ideal for his dogs.

Re. my bf. we def do want the same things but he cant really rent. He has kennels and walks dogs. So we really cant rent somewhere which allows us to do that unless is costs about 1k a month.

DrHolmes Wed 22-May-13 20:32:42

No my mum does like him, we just had a heart to heart the other night and she said he is very nice. That is why i am :s re. her comments.

inneedofrain Wed 22-May-13 20:34:58

Dr you haven't talk to your bf

I know it is hard and it does deepened on you age a bit but a baby and a house and marriage can be achieved but only if you are both determined you want the together

It reads a bit from what you have written that your bf is enjoying his life at the moment and is putting road blocks in the way of your wishes

A marriage can cost nothing if you really want get married (a marriage has nothing to do with a wedding) you could find somewhere small to rent together you could then t t c

But this has to 1000% be what you both want now if not it won't work

How long have you been with bf?

JoyMachine Wed 22-May-13 20:38:13

It does take years to save for a house- how do you think anyone else does it?
Can you get a 2nd job? Higher income means less time to save over. I had 3 jobs at 1 point, and the good thing about working 7 days is it means you never spend any money either wink
It would also keep you out of the house where your ILs are.

DrHolmes Wed 22-May-13 20:43:02

Been with him 3 years.
I am 26 and he just turned 25 so there is a year and half difference.
He is a very nice guy. I know he is the one for me. We get on very well, no arguments, he is so nice to me. He has talked about marriage and kids and he def does want it but maybe because he is only 25 he doesn't see the rush. In fact, that is what he says to me. I always want everything done there and then. He is always telling me to calm down and stuff because I am a massive worrier and anxious person but he does know how to get me to calm down. Any other guy i have gone out with has not understood me!
I wouldnt mind a wee registry office wedding or i thought just a simple one out at my parents house. Just me, him, our siblings and parents. Perfect.
But he hasn't asked me yet and I am not going to badger him.
The house was first on the list. Then marriage then baby. But because the house thing isn't going well when will the rest happen? My last default comes off in 2016 I think sad

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 22-May-13 20:43:41

OP you are not telling us how old you are. smile

If you are early twenties then you have masses of time to do the marriage and babies thing. If you are 30 then I understand why you are feeling the way you do.

How can you only save £400 a month? Where is the other £1000 going if you have cheap rent?

Is your BF running his business from his parents house then? I can see why he is reluctant to move if that is the case.

StuffezLaYoni Wed 22-May-13 20:46:16

While saving do you have anything else you can throw your energy into? Work? Voluntary activity? Constantly comparing yourself to others and putting your situation down is knackering and depressing. House and baby are brilliant aims in life, but not the only aims.

twooter Wed 22-May-13 20:47:27

It sounds like you need to continue your economy drive. If you work out how much money you earn per hour, once you've taken tax etc off, you can the view every purchase in terms of days/hours worked and it might prevent you from being too frivolous.

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