Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Having an affair with my soulmate but feel sick with guilt about kids :(

(229 Posts)
HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 14:36:42

Hi there, can't believe I'm posting this, I just have nowhere to turn for advice on this IRL.
Basically am having an affair with my highschool sweetheart from nearly 18 years ago. When I say affair we haven't slept together and we live hundreds of miles apart so only meet up rarely (every month or so) but we have kissed (and more) and text each other loads every day.
We've both said we love each other and via text / in person we've discussed everything about being together in the future, right down to what jobs we’d do, having more kids … but always avoiding the thorny questions of when / how it would actually happen. I have 2 kids and he has 1.
Am torn between wanting to stop this if it’s not going anywhere (though this would really break my heart as I love him so much), and trying to work out a plan for the future that might potentially work …
Have just been reading stuff online about kids and affairs and divorces though and it makes me feel sick with guilt. DH is a really, really wonderful father and I know it would be terrible for the kids if we split up. But I just can’t reconcile that with the way I feel about this other guy who truly is my soulmate.
If I turn my back on this, I might regret it my whole life, and then I would resent the kids as being the only thing holding me back from finding happiness.
Please help!!
HH xxx

intravenouscoffee Wed 22-May-13 15:10:31

You're trying to justify your current actions. 'I'm more attentive to the kids' and 'DH doesn't notice'.

Try to think about how you'd feel if you DH was sneaking around, texting another women and telling people on a chat room that it was okay because you didn't know and he didn't want to upset his kids?

If you want the details there are plenty of threads on the relationship boards that will tell you how that feels. Please try to be objective. It's fun to play at being 18 again but you need to consider the consequences.

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 15:11:24

apatchylass - I know you're right, it's a break from reality. That's why it feels so good and is so addictive because the reality is just depressing me right now.
I know as well that what you say about the relationship between the kids and any new partner is true and I would find that really hard to take.
Does turning my back on this really make me a better person and a better mum though, or just a really unhappy one? sad

zippey Wed 22-May-13 15:12:10

How can you resent your kids for something that isnt their fault? (your feelings for another man)

scaevola Wed 22-May-13 15:13:20

If you don't think you can reinvest your energy in your H, that's a valid decision. And means you need to start planning the practicalities of how you end your marriage.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Wed 22-May-13 15:14:40

Gosh, you're so passive.

So, then, that being the case, just carry on doing what you're doing for the rest of your lives.

Doable, you think......?

zippey Wed 22-May-13 15:17:47

Do you want to leave your DH for this man, and does he want to leave his DW and any children he might have for you? Or are you both just wanting to have this affair on the side and happy at that.

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 15:20:17

This is going to sound really pathetic. I want to leave DH for him, but I can't do it - I've thought about having the conversation and I just can't face it and what it would do to the kids. On the other hand I don't like the secrecy of what I have with this other guy because I want to be able to meet up with him without feeling guilty.
I know there's no way to reconcile these two things though.

apatchylass Wed 22-May-13 15:20:19

Hollie, if you are unhappy then find ways to get happy which don't destroy your family. To some extent we choose whether or not to feel dissatisfied in a relationship (unless our DPs are abusive). If you're bored, put effort into having more fun and excitement together. or on your own. But go easy on exploding everyone's lives on the basis of a very tenuous relationship which is based on the memory of a love that existed when neither of you had adult responsibilities.

Concreteblonde Wed 22-May-13 15:20:30

Your husband deserves to be with someone who respects him enough not to lie and cheat.
Your children deserve a mother who is not constantly checking her phone whilst smothering them with false attention.
Have some bloody guts. Tell your husband it's over and sail off into the sunset with your soul mate. Kids will adapt just fine to seeing you less and your husband has the opportunity to be with someone who isn't capable of such lies.

EuphemiaLennox Wed 22-May-13 15:21:38

Another option you haven't considered: maybe ditching the soulmate guy, and recognising it as an unreal relationship which would never fulfill the perfect status you were giving it, reinvest your energy in your DH and kids, enjoy family life, watch your kids grow up happy, feel lucky and relieved you have a good husband, grow closer to your DH as this realisation hits, and feel thankful that you were never stupid enough to ditch this happy family life in your temporary madness.

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 15:22:46

I could never do that. I've thought about leaving and I could NEVER leave my kids. I would never, ever forgive myself.

everythinghippie29 Wed 22-May-13 15:24:45

Tread carefully, my mum had an affair when I was young. I still harbour a great deal of resentment towards her. I've found its affected my ability to trust people as I always assume that someone is always looking for the next best thing and it did lead me to believe for a very long time that everyone was selfish and callous. My father was hurt and very bitter and my sister and I were exposed to very venomous rants from him ( which granted, I see now came from hurt) that again impacted how I viewed my dad. As an adult I can try and understand my mums motivation and even rationalise it to a degree but I lost a great deal of respect for her as a child that I doubt she will ever get back. I would always say don't stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy but leaving your unsuspecting husband who by your own admission had done nothing wrong apart from not be a fuzzy, idealised romantic notion, you could risk being demonized in your children's minds. Again, this is just my take from my experience and each family is different but I found my mother's affair very damaging, at the time and going on into my adult life. It has has long term ramifications on both my own attitude towards relationships andy parents.

Sort out your marriage and either leave, be on your own and show the children you have done it for you or work at your existing relationship if you think it is worth it. Don't run into the arms of someone else crying SOULMATE. Affairs are by their very nature exciting, giddy and unique but reality can be sobering and you may regret it down the line. Don't sacrifice the respect if your children for short term happiness, but do what is right for you and them in the long term. If your old flame is meant to be it will happen when you both are out if your current relationships. sad

Snorbs Wed 22-May-13 15:26:14

Thinking about it, the answer is obvious. You say your husband is a fantastic father. You say you are in love with your old flame. There's a straightforward solution - move out.

Your husband can then go on to hopefully form a new relationship with someone who will treat him with some modicum of respect. Your kids get to stay in their home with their wonderful father and so reduce the disruption to them as much as possible. And you get all the time you need to do what you want with your soulmate.

EuphemiaLennox Wed 22-May-13 15:27:20

Really? You want to leave your DH for him and yet you've not had sex and you only meet up every few months??

That wouldn't be a good basis for commitment if you were both 25, childless and single never mind 2 married people with kids.

Hollie you need to wake yourself up from this fantasy and fast.

I do understand how all consuming those feelings of passion are, and your normal day to day life can't compete with that. But they're not real. You really do need to be hardheaded and start to understand how unrealistic you're being.

Back off and make some decisions about your marriage..

scaevola Wed 22-May-13 15:28:02

You don't have to leave your DC, whichever man you choose (or neither).

Tough of course gpfamily life changes a lot after separation.

But if you are that unhappy with H, then it is what you need to do, and so start making proper plans for achieving it now. When it's still possible to do so relatively kindly.

For if OM's wife finds out, you may find you have a much worse set of options available. And if you choose to do nothing, and just drift on agonising about this, then the potential consequences of that choice are far less appealing than what you are faced with now.

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 15:28:04

That is really helpful, thank you. One of the things that scares me the most is the long-term impact on the kids and I don't want to affect their ability to trust people so I know I have to end this really. I just haven't had (still haven't) the courage to do it so far.
I couldn't end my marriage without mentioning the affair as there really is no other justification. So it's the affair that has to end.
I know it but I just can't do it.

Moanranger Wed 22-May-13 15:28:13

This may well be the love of your life, but walk away from it now. Just because you feel a passion for this man does not mean that either of you need to act on it. You can treasure it for what it is - but leave.
I left the love of my life because he was married to someone else, and I am not and never will be a homewrecker. I cherish is still for what it was, but ultimately I never harmed anyone.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 22-May-13 15:29:07

What happens if you leave your husband, but he doesn't leave his wife? What happens if you sleep with him, and then he decides he has got what he wants and moves on?

Are you absolutely sure its the real deal?

I think you should either leave the relationship you are in, if you are so unhappy, or try to deal with the issues in your marriage and cut all contact with the OM.

You sound like a bored housewife. I would be very careful that the grass isn't always greener.

Also, why didn't things work out 18 years ago?

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 15:30:47

Well, 18 years ago ... he cheated.
Enough said.

dufflefluffle Wed 22-May-13 15:31:01

I'm very sorry for you. No-one would choose to be in a situation like this. I think the best advice is probably as others have said, to put the new relationship on hold and sort out your marriage. ie finish it if you think that's what's going to happen. I get the impression you would stay in your marriage if you thought it wouldn't work out with the new man - that's not fair to your husband, your kids, your marriage or yourself. Leave your marriage if you no longer love your husband but don't bet your happiness on a relationship which may not work and which will end up with you resenting yourself, your kids, your husband, your new man, and worst of all: regretting letting a good husband (??) go and unsettling your children. Leave your marriage, if you must, for your own sake only.

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 15:31:45

Bored housewife yes. Though I do work part-time / go to gym / run etc but yes, still bored.
Haven't found a cure for that.

Snorbs Wed 22-May-13 15:31:48

If you do split from your husband why are you so sure you would end up with the children anyway? You could only be sure of that if you were a stay at home parent and your husband was out at work all day.

dufflefluffle Wed 22-May-13 15:31:57

Hollie, they say that a man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy - he has form!

NorksAreMessy Wed 22-May-13 15:34:28

So he cheated on you once, and now he is cheating on his wife. Hmmm, what do you think the long term chances are in a relationship with him?

HollieHelen Wed 22-May-13 15:35:07

I have thought about leaving the marriage, not mentioning anything about this other guy, but I can't think of any valid reasons I would give DH. I know that 'I'm bored' is totally NOT a valid reason for all the disruption / heartache that would be caused.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now