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I need courage to leave.

(22 Posts)
pewils Wed 22-May-13 14:08:56

That's it, really. Been with dh for 10 years during which time I've lost all my confidence. I used to have a professional career but am now not working. I've analysed this and I know correlation does not equal causation but he is very critical of me: EVERY decision is questioned. I'm at my wits end-he questioned today why I've so many umbrellas-4. Sounds trivial, but it's like this all the time. If I go to bed to read, he criticises my way of reading in bed.

He has a history of flirting online, making arrangements (he says he has not followed through, only did it cause 'bored'), chucks things in temper, broken lots of stuff.

Now he wants to do something called a female-led relationship, where I am in charge (!) I'm supposed to 'control' his behaviour as he is disorganised.

I know, deep down, I've got to leave but I simply lack the confidence. Help.

We have no children.

pewils Wed 22-May-13 14:09:30

Making arrangements to meet other women, that is.

Leverette Wed 22-May-13 14:12:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 14:17:44

Again UGH!! What a nightmare. Please leave him. He sounds insufferable!

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 14:19:56

When I left a relationship that wasn't working after 10 years I thought it would be horrendously hard....it wasn't! Yes, telling my DP was hard but once it was over and I was on my own I literally felt physically lighter, as if a weight really had been lifted off my shoulders. I started to live life the way I wanted to live it, realising all my ideas had been sort of squashed for so long. I honestly didn't look back.

pewils Wed 22-May-13 14:22:16

I'm lazy for not working. Christ, this sounds crap, but I worked continuously but now I don't think I can do anything.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 14:23:37

I do understand. I have been in the same (brilliant) job for 13 years. No problem with that but I do feel scared of ever having to move. It is hard I know. You just sort of get used to things the way they are. Why did you stop working, if you don't mind me asking?

AnyFucker Wed 22-May-13 14:24:26

I would say he is mentally ill, but that would be an insult to people who genuinely are

Instead, he is a fucking tosser.

pewils Wed 22-May-13 14:25:04

About 8 years ago. I feel ashamed but somehow my confidence is lost.

Leverette Wed 22-May-13 14:26:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker Wed 22-May-13 14:27:14

Did he encourage you to leave your job ? To isolate you, thus making it much easier to dismantle all your self esteem.

Can you move out and go back to live with a relative, your parents perhaps ?

pewils Wed 22-May-13 14:29:54

I just felt I couldn't do my job any longer. I have a little money but not a great deal (lucky to inherit). I don't know how to survive anymore.

pewils Wed 22-May-13 14:30:57

No there was no encouragement to leave the job on his part.

pewils Wed 22-May-13 14:31:59

Now I've got to control him via use of cane and punishments. This is so bizarre.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 14:33:27

Survive as in....? You mean you don't know how you would cope with finding a job or living on your own or the whole thing? The thing is you are worried about leaving him because you have lost your confidence but he seems to be the root of your loss of self esteem in the first place. I honestly think if you spent some time away from him you would see this and would start to regain some self esteem. Do you go out alot generally, have hobbies, friends that you do things with etc?

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 14:34:27

Crikey! That is unusual!

pewils Wed 22-May-13 14:36:46

All of it. I feel in a bind; I don't feel confident to leave but won't be confident unless I leave. On an intellectual level I know this to be true.

wonderingagain Wed 22-May-13 14:47:07

Men like this always choose women who will go along with their controlling behaviour. They can only function in a relationship where they are in control and so they pick out women who are either vulnerable, trusting, just nice or not confident. They do it without thinking about it.

His 'female-led relationship' idea is probably the only way he knows how to make you feel you have any power in the relationship. He truly expects you to be grateful.

Do what you have to do pewils, don't discuss it with him and make sure you are going somewhere safe. Controlling men like this tend to turn when they realise they have lost their power. Do seriously consider going to a shelter if he becomes in any way menacing or threatening.

Tell a close friend and see if they can help you. Good luck.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 14:49:21

Small steps then. I can imagine this is all very overwhelming. Is there anyone you could go and stay with for a while? That would be a good thing to do in the short term. Are you able to talk to friends about this?

pewils Wed 22-May-13 14:51:46

I'm going to have to leave this thread as he is back soon. I know the Female led relationship thing makes me sound as if I'm making this up but, honestly, this IS true.

Keep messages coming, please.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 15:04:47

Ok OP, take care.

wonderingagain Wed 22-May-13 15:12:16

Hide your history on the computer/phone, see if you can talk to a good friend who will help you. Womens Aid will help too but they take a while sometimes.

Good luck

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