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How to stop letting him get to me.

(19 Posts)
RiotsNotDiets Wed 22-May-13 10:41:05

ExH is a knob, which is why he's an Ex.
We've only been separated a couple of months, but he's had a gf for more than half that time. I posted the other day about him 'accidentally' showing off scratches on his back that were obviously from enthusiastic shagging.

He keeps turning up late to pick up DD because he's been out drinking the night before, the other week he was over three hours late.

Today he turned up half an hour late, meaning I missed my bus, and then started packing up my supply of nappies/wipes/spare clothes for DD. I soon stopped that. He's living with him mum and dad, so all of his wages go on nights out and his gf, he can at least pay for the nappies DD wears when with him! (He's said he's going to start paying maintenance, but I haven't seen any yet)

He just generally takes the piss and is very presumptive, planning nights out when he's supposed to have DD and telling me rather than checking it's ok first, that sort of thing.

I broke it off, and I'm happy I did, but every time I see him he does something to piss me off and I spend the next couple of hours chuntering to myself about what an arse he is. It's a waste of my time and I'm getting annoyed at myself. I'm just sick of him disrespecting me, how do I stop caring?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 10:51:14

Do you have a legally binding access and maintenance agreement? CSA involved? Got a solicitor? When faced with someone that doesn't take you seriously, you have to take it to the next level

RiotsNotDiets Wed 22-May-13 10:53:04

No, nothing like that at all. I was hoping to keep things friendly.

It's clear he doesn't respect me or take me seriously so I am going to have to do something. I just don't want things to get hostile and affect poor DD.

RiotsNotDiets Wed 22-May-13 10:57:03

FFS I've just checked my bank account online and he's been spending my money. It's a joint account, I haven't had a chance to transfer everything to a solo account just yet, as I've been so busy with uni.

He hasn't had wages pain in for about 5 weeks, but there's transactions that are clearly him 2 days ago.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 11:19:21

Not 'hostile' 'assertive'. He's taking advantage of you wanting to be amicable, stealing and treating you and your DD as some kind of inconvenience. Being friendly is now well and trully off the cards because he's taking the piss. A few solicitor's letters, a few CSA requests... just bring him to heel. If demanding he takes responsibility and take you seriously means he stops seeing your DD then she's honestly better off without this bellend for a father.

RiotsNotDiets Wed 22-May-13 11:21:05

I've paid for him and his gf to go to hotels and shag.

I'm really fucking angry

Leverette Wed 22-May-13 11:29:47

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RiotsNotDiets Wed 22-May-13 11:34:49

I'm going to the bank this aft. What an arse. He's spent about 400 of my money this month, I am a student, so that's a lot of money to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 11:38:38

Good... take your anger to a lawyer, work out what you want from your ex and get it. Cut all contact with him now except for bare essentials, don't let him in your home, don't accept changes of plan ... think we all said that last time over the tattoo/scratch incident. Only way forward

RiotsNotDiets Wed 22-May-13 11:44:31

I can't believe he's done this. That money could have fed his child.

Yes, you were all right. You never want to accept that these things are happening to you, I stayed with him for so long because I wouldn't accept that he was a lying, cheating, disrespectful, self centred scumbag. I'll be fucked if I'm going to let him take me for a fool again.

I'm going to go and transfer all payments in and out to a solo account and close the joint one this afternoon. What a twat.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 11:47:44

You're not the first and you won't be the last person to keep giving their partner the benefit of the doubt, want to remain amicable for the sake of the kids, hoping to appeal to their better nature.... only to get shat on from a great height.

He is a twat. Glad you've seen the light.

RiotsNotDiets Wed 22-May-13 11:57:07

Thanks Cogito It's just nice to have someone to listen to/read my angry ranting!

oscarwilde Wed 22-May-13 12:07:40

Talk about brass necked. I would tell him he and his gf have two weeks to put it back in your account or you will be contacting the CSA, and reporting the theft of £400 to the police.

cestlavielife Wed 22-May-13 12:11:12

while it is joint account it cannot be theft.

you might not be able to close it on your say so but you can ask them to freeze it. and/or just withdraw all money and tell them to stop overdraft facility. get any direct debits transferred to your own account.

dont rely on him for childcare arrange nursery or whatever at uni. if he is late, go out
set out proposed contact schedule and stick to it from your side

hellsbellsmelons Wed 22-May-13 12:14:37

Agree with oscarwilde
Tell him that and see what happens.
He has stolen and it should be a matter for the police for sure.
Glad you are sorting the bank account.
Don't be waiting in form him. If he's more than 10 minutes late, go out and don't be there.

Leverette Wed 22-May-13 12:15:12

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RiotsNotDiets Wed 22-May-13 12:24:21

I've told him I know about the money. He denied it of course, so I told him exactly where he's been and what he's been spending it on, and he swears he didn't realise which card he was using. I said I didn't believe him and didn't really want to get into a discussion about it, I just want him to stop using the account and to pay me back.
He said he will, but no apology, in fact he sounded pissed off with me!!!!!! He didn't apologize for being late this morning either.

I'm going to speak to the nursery and see if they can offer any support when he doesn't turn up. I've missed tow important things at uni because of him now.

I think I am going to have to sort something formal out, because I can't keep up with his games, nor should I have to. I need some legal protection.

RiotsNotDiets Wed 22-May-13 12:24:40

two important things*

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 12:44:05

Definitely sort out something regular & reliable with regard to your DD, nursery and getting yourself where you need to be on time. You can't afford to rely on this man in any way at all. Even if you formalised the contact legally he'd still let you down. Let him be a McDonalds Dad, every other weekend or whatever. Manage your and your DD's life otherwise to include him as little as possible.

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