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Can somebody slap me. How do I fully move on?(5 Posts)
This is my first post, so hello Mumsnet. I've been lurking for a while now, and it's clear it's an excellent community where so many people find help and insight.
What has made me post now is the recurring feelings I'm having for an ex boyfriend. We were together a year, well actually the last three months of that time were spent breaking up and reconciling- and frankly, were horrible. I know a year is not a long time, but I really felt we would be together long term, he was one of my best friends as well as a lover. And now, nearly a year after we've broken up, I still miss him.
I know in my head this is really stupid. He couldn't commit to me which is why we broke up- he clearly wasn't that into me and I did the right thing to finally be strong and stay broken up. But we live in a small community and I see him out and about every so often, and I saw him with a girl last week and I was shocked how upset it made me. I don't even know if they were there as an item or as friends, but it made me so sad. I miss being loved by him, miss the way things were before he suddenly decided I wasn't actually that important to him after all. Sometimes I am so sad for all I have lost, still.
The time before that when I saw him was the first that I'd seen him in a long time- and I had a drink taken, so when he sidled up instead of making an excuse and walking away I spoke to him, and we ended up arguing mildly with me insisting that he never gave a toss about me and he should be honest about that, and him saying he "loved me to distracion" before it all went wrong.
Sorry Mumsnetters- I know I must sound awfully pathetic, and I have never been like this over a man before. It was not my first serious relationship but it was my first real heartbreak (I am in my late twenties) is this normal? Can it really take a year or more to get over somebody, or do I sound emotionally unbalanced?
I think he is playing games in a way, by coming up to speak to me one night and then flatly ignoring me the next (in my perspective the arguing wasn't serious, and we had a companionable smoke together, I didn't think it ended on bad terms?) and that doesn't feel great. Why do I fucking care? I know he thinks NOTHING of me. So why am I thinking of all the good times? I don't know if it feels worse to think he never really loved me at all and it was all fake and I was taken in, or if it's worse to think he did love me and then coldly just stopped when he got to know me and decided I wasn't good enough.
Argh Mumsnet, sorry for the rant!
It's pretty normal because your self-esteem must have taken a knock following his rejection and that smarts for quite some time. Also, as the Dan Hicks song title says, 'How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?' If he's in your eye-line frequently because you live on top of each other and if he's giving you the old hot and cold treatment at the pub (or wherever you meet) then how can you realistically consign him to the past?
'Moving on' successfully means cutting all contact and literally forging a new life, filling all the gaps where the ex used to be until you stop thinking about them completely. Replace him with something better (NB not necessarily someone better). So avoid places where he's likely to be, don't chat, certainly don't entertain 'companionable smokes' and make a big effort to do other things, change your routine and make a properly new life that is busy and satisfying in its own right.
The best revenge is to live well, study, take up a hobby, go out to new pubs and bars and when the times right somebody new will come into your life and he will be a distant memory.
What Mosman said.... Took me years to realise that mind you, but so true. I threw myself into my career, getting fit and seeing a bit of the world, all with the notion that when I saw him again he would see what a beautiful, interesting girl I was and desperately want me back. Along the way I guess I got distracted......
Lots of soul reaffirming stuff on reclaim.co.uk I hope my link works.
Oh and you are not pathetic - he is.
Thank you so much ladies! Wonderful wise words, really encouraging. They reminded me that I haven't really done anything particularly stupid apart from love someone, and it didn't work out.
I felt so much better even after just making my post, far less confused and realized that even though it can still make me a bit sad, I would not choose a relationship like that. Writing it down helped, and I think as well simply acknowledging that sometimes it does still hurt, and that doesn't make me a loser at all. I'm sure I'll have painful moments again thinking about how it went to pieces, but that's probably cause I'm not a robot..
The power of Mumsnet!! Thanks so much again for helping me to remember things I really needed to!
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