Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Fuck feel like I've just had a bomb dropped on my head please help me(35 Posts)
When I was with my abusive ex-h, towards the end of the relationship he quit his job, took out loans left right and centre and decided that he was going to make a fortune by selling very personal photos of me on the internet. The photos were very graphic and he also wanted me to take it further by working on a webcam to make him money. I did it once (which was horrendous) and refused to do it again and was completely humiliated, sickened and horrified by the whole experience.
It was this, combined with the escalation of the abuse and the growing fascination that he had with putting his hands around my throat during sex that made me realise just how sick he really was. I left him when our dc was 5 and have had no contact with him in 7 years as we arrange dc contact through a third party. When I left him he threatened to destroy me and take our dc by using the photos as evidence that I was a whore and a bad mother and putting them everywhere on the internet. I called his bluff and told him that I would tell everyone what he did and as it turned out he didn't do anything public to my knowledge. I have always feared what happened to the photos since as he had copies of them all and had contacted a couple of websites that he had put them on originally and had them removed, which they did.
I now work as a health worker (sorry to be vague) and have my own website and blog and tonight someone has posted a comment on one of my posts "How do you reconcile your career as a HW with your past as a porn star?".
What the fuck do I do? My head is reeling, I have deleted the comment and stopped comments on all the blog posts but I don't have any way of knowing if it is him, one of his mates, or if he really did put them on porn sites and someone has somehow recognised me? I look really different to how I did then, so I am scared this is someone who knows me? I feel like I'm going to pass out, please help me.
I have told DH some of what happened, as I was worried that it would be used to blackmail me, but I can't understand why ex would do that after all this time. I don't know which is scarier, it being him or it not being him.
Can I contact the police? Is that ridiculous? How do I deal with this?
Just to clarify, I told DH 5 years ago when we got together, I haven't told him about the comment. I just so happened to check my email before I went to bed and luckily I get a notification of comments on the blog which is how I saw it. It was only on there for about half an hour before I deleted it. I need to go to bed but I'm shaking.
So sorry to hear your back story and that exH is a complete dick. He sounds foul, so well done on getting rid.
I don't know very much about where you stand in this situation, but hated the thought of you being up at this time worrying about it. If you still have copies of the photos you could try uploading them to http://www.tineye.com/ which is a reverse image search and might flag up if they're lurking on the net.
If it's any comfort I think it's very, very unlikely he put them on the internet- if not because of the legal repercussions, but because I can't believe he wouldn't have tried to rub your face in it more directly. I also think the likelihood of someone who knows you seeing these pictures and recognising you 8 years or so on is slim too- sounds like someone is still being a twunt.
Hope you manage to sleep. xx
Just wanted to post in support, but no real idea what is best to do.
But hold your head up high - you have nothing to be ashamed of <big non-MNy hug>
What a little creep he is.
It does sound like it is most likely to be him trying to stir up trouble for you and hoping to get some satisfaction from you feeling like this.
I second Lemon's suggestion of tineye - it may help to know you have located any that may be hanging around, if they are.
How are you placed for legal help? I'm afraid I have no idea of the legalitites of the situation but could you get a free half hour with a solicitor to discuss what your options are? Whether it only comes under harrasment (only a one-off but did you keep the IP address?) but there may be something you can do about any publishing of the photos as obviously you have given no consent.
It's so easy to say as I'm sure it feels crushing and huge, but it would likely be him- and you know how to get rid of him, you did it once and can do it again. I'm sure tomorrow there will be a better placed MNer to help advise you. I'm so sorry you've been upperdeckered out of the blue like this but just remember how valuable you are to your clients and colleagues - no matter your past that is what's important now - and you were hardly a porn star.
"I now work as a health worker (sorry to be vague) and have my own website and blog and tonight someone has posted a comment on one of my posts "How do you reconcile your career as a HW with your past as a porn star?"."
I think you're taking a risk having a blog if you do have a dodgy past. Internet being what it is, there are no secrets and nothing is forgotten. It's all there on a hard-drive somewhere. Have you considered telling your employers about your past? Blackmail is only effective if the victim is ashamed of their secret. If you are open about making a big error of judgement you may find your employers are sympathetic.
I think it must have been him that posted the comment.....he looked you up, found your happy present, and decided to sully it with his sordid past.
Ignore. Manage comments. Move on.
Forgive yourself? X
No idea what to to about your past: sorry. I should imagine it is your ex posting: the chances of someone seeing a photo of you when there are millions of sexy images out there on the web, AND finding you AND recognising you on a healthcare site are pretty slim. If its someone else that knows you, ask them what they were googling for that they could have found pornimages of you.
But from a purely technical standpoint: can you set your blog comments so that all posts are moderated by you before being uploaded onto the live site?
Try not to let it worry you. Easier said than done.
Just keep a record of the comments in case you need as evidence for the police, delete and ignore.
The ignore will win with these people more than anything else you can do.
If it spills into your real life, hold your head high, tell whoever brings it up with you the truth.
Just like many prostitutes etc the world over you were unwilling and forced by an abusive man and that is why you divorced him. If they have an issue with it point them in the direction of your abuser and tell them to ask him why he was such a vile bastard.
I bet it is just him not having changed or a friend the same he has put up to this.
I imagine its him. Set blog so comments are moderated by you.
But mostly be calm and don't worry. This happened years ago, under duress- he might be trying to make a big deal of it but it is not.
Excuse me if I am speaking out of turn, but I would have thought its easy to reconcile the two?
Surely being in a position where you have been abused, coerced, possibly dealing with various agencies for help etc would put you in the best position to be a certain type of health worker? It gives humility, empathy, knowledge and experience of what some of your respondents are experiencing?
I know you've been vague so I may be speaking out of turn, but I was thnking if you were say a drug advisor helping people who are searching for help to change their lives ( not saying you take drugs, but associated issues of self-esteem, confidence/abuse would make that example logical I imagine).
I prefer my health workers to be human and not judge as they may live by the code of - a day in anothers shoes, so I see how your history could be an advantage that your respondents may actually appreciate.
Easy for me to say, but an honest log post may be therapeutic to you, helpful to your respondents and have the complete opposite expected result of such a nasty question/comment.
I also feel it must be your XH that has posted this on your website.
My abusive XH did a similar thing to me when I was trying to do a house swap to move out of the area (and away from him). He wrote things on my listing page that would ensure that noone would want my house.
This is crap but it's not the end of the world. I also would rather have someone with some experience of life as my HW.
Delete the comment (I'm sure you already have), ignore and move on. And set your comments to be moderated by you before they go live.
What an awful situation OP.
What about a bit of old fashioned lying? If they post again just say something along the lines of 'Sorry to disappoint but you've got the wrong person.' It's your word against his. Just deny it and move on.
I think you are right LifeasaFish, in that there is no contradiction professionally, but I really don't think she needs bother to address it because it is most likely this comment comes from her wanky ex or one of his mates yanking her chain.
I'm sure no one else has even the faintest inkling - why would they? there are zillions of zillions of photos/videos out there.
Carry on as you are, Iamreeling, you sound great.
I would have been tempted to post back "Far from being a star, I was coerced into making one poorly made webcam video and a few degrading shots by a useless tosser of an abusive ex. Deciding I had no desire to be the centerpiece of his planned road to riches (because he had nothing else going for him), thankfully I ended that relationship. ". If you were a health worker and you told me what you've just posted here, I'd not think less of you.
Sorry - mimi has said what I was trying to!
But thisis is right too.
This is a horrid situation, and I really feel for you op. I was trying to give a different perspective. You sound like you are coping/ doing well with such a shock and I wish you well with how to deal with it.
Do give your options some thought and take care.
Yes agree this is going to be your vile x or someone he's put up to it.
Remember Iamreeling that these images, if they are actually on a website, are likely to be pretty grainy and the likelihood of you being recognisable on them, among millions of others, eight years down the line is extremely remote.
Sounds to me too that your x has googled you and is trying to stir up further misery for you. Don't let him do that. You've turned your life around. You're happy now. Hold on to that and whatever you do don't respond to these messages; don't give him that satisfaction. Delete and ignore.
Thank you so much for the replies and the advice, I've calmed down a bit now. I did just write a massive post on my phone and it disappeared so have to try and remember what I wrote!
I told DH this morning, he was brilliant bless him and he thinks too that it's ex or his mates. Nobody else could possibly know unless he has told them and while my close friends and family know, only ex would mess with my head like this. My question is just why now? I do post a lot on Twitter and my business FB as well and post a lot about DV, misogyny, anti porn and sex trafficking etc, particularly recently as I have involvement with a related organisation professionally. I did think that he had moved on and no longer was obsessed with me but now I think he may be following my movements online and this may have triggered it.
I'm not ashamed any more, I understand that it was part of the abuse and I do also think it was calculated to give him ammunition or 'insurance' so he could blackmail me in the future.
I have some very current concerns about DD at the moment with regards to him too, and this has disturbed me deeply as I feel it has given me an insight into his head. This is all still ongoing for him and I think he has maybe just spent the last 7 years winding himself up and obsessing over how I did him wrong.
He attacked me when I left him and ended up being convicted of assault so has a criminal record because of me and I know he hates me for that. I just hoped he had moved on, but now I realise he hasn't and that concerns me greatly as it fits in with problems we have had with DD recently. He was what is known in the Lundy Book as a 'Water Torturer', which describes his style as abusive without even raising his voice. I am worried that he has been messing with DD's head and is behind a lot of the issues we've had with her recently. I don't know what the fuck to do. I just want to stop her going but she loves him and it may trigger him off again. I know she is walking on eggshells around him and this has made me realise that he is potentially damaging her without even needing to shout at her.
What a fucking mess. Thank you so much again for the replies and your kindness, it has reassured me a lot.
Also, at what point would it count as harassment if he did anything else? Want to try to pre-empt his warped mind and stop him in his tracks before it goes much further.
Don't know if I'm overreacting but all my alarm bells are ringing again. Particularly wrt DD. I just don't want to make it worse.
This guy is a loser - please don't forget that - and he has no power over you anymore.
I imagine the fact that you are doing very well - with a raised profile - is irritating him. It might not be that he has been obsessing all this time, but that he happened to come across you and didn't like what he saw.
Wait and see if there are further comments on twitter/blog - it might be that if he doesn't get the reaction he wants - either of you responding or taking down your site - then he might move on to something else.
Your poor DD though. Would she be interested in counselling, through school maybe, to discuss 'feelings' in general? Does she feel able to confide in you about him?
He attacked me when I left him and ended up being convicted of assault so has a criminal record because of me...
No, he has the criminal record because of himself reeling. Don't ever take any of his guilt on your shoulders, you have done nothing wrong, so please, please be kind to yourself.
Thank you again. I have been trying to stay calm today but having this insight into how twisted his head is has made me just want to stop DD seeing him, or at least reduce the chance he has to mess with her head. I have always supported him having a relationship with her and have never stopped him seeing her, but I so am disturbed by the thought of him still being vindictive enough to do this.
DD has also been having some problems recently which i now wonder are connected. When she comes back from seeing him she is really angry and aggressive for a day or two till she comes back down. Last weekend when she got back she was really bad and I ended up taking her ipod etc away from her and she ended up breaking down and getting really upset.
She said that because of what happened with me and him she daren't do anything to upset him while she is there. She says that she feels she has to be perfect so he's not like that with her. He has never been verbally abusive or shouted at her but he was capable and fond of being abusive to me whilst maintaining a calm voice with a smile on his face.
For anyone who has read the Lundy book, he is a Water Torturer and incredibly manipulative. I am now wondering what he says to her when she is there. I still feel quite sick about it all.
So angry as well, how dare he come back and try to fuck with me again, and I could rip his throat out at the thought of DD treading on eggshells around him. She witnessed him attack me when she was younger (3) and she has heard how aggressive he can be when angry with other people so she feels that she has to behave like Daddy's little girl when she's with him. The trouble is, she's now hormonal, 12 and the same size as me. While she was a cute little girl who idolised him and had no opinions she was fine. Now she's growing into a woman I worry for her, as he has no respect for women whatsoever.
Have you searched for your name both on google and google image search?
His criminal record is because of him not you !
Maybe seek some counselling for dd. her behaviour is communicating something to you. Not fair to punish her really. Let her know she old enough now to decide about contact.....
Similar thing happened to a friend, except he was blackmailing that he would put these pics out. She went to the police who contacted the guy and it was sorted. What he is doing may be illegal. But if he is unpredictable going to the police might exacerbate the situation.
Join the discussion
Please login first.