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Facing the prospect of being a first time mum alone....

(12 Posts)
Wez86 Tue 21-May-13 23:47:09

I had only being with my boyfriend for 6 months and it hadn't been the smoothest of relationships, before I found out i was pregnant he had admitted to not dealing with other things in his life very well and had realised how much I meant to him. We then found out I was pregnant a week later and it wasn't immediately amazing news for me however, my boyfriend soon turned that around and was overjoyed at the news, beaming he told his friends and moved straight in to my place and started making plans. Already started calling the pregnancy 'his son' and made jokes about it having to be a boy...he could not be happier! 2 weeks later I had to have an early scan due to one sided pains and he came with me to support this (even said it looked like a the nickname was born). 3 days later he stayed at a friends house and after I returned from working away he sat me down to tell me he had decided he didn't want the baby, didnt want to be with me and wants me to terminate. I have heard very little from him since then. I am now 11 weeks and as silly as it sounds I am already in love with 'flump' and the thought of a termination fills me with tears and guilt at the thought alone. I have spoken to 'him' on the phone since to tell him I feel inclined to continue with the pregnancy...he has told me he hates my decision and won't be a part of it at all, even said he wants to try again with his ex and my decision is now going to spoil that.
I'm petrified of doing this alone, financially, emotionally and what it will do for any future relationships but I can't give up on the fact I want this baby so much. Is anyone out there a single parent who can offer any words of wisdom??? sad

DHtotalnob Wed 22-May-13 00:13:41

I don't feel qualified to comment, but go go go!!! if that's your instinct.
I was in a similar position. We got together, but it didn't last. ZERO regrets.

SgtTJCalhoun Wed 22-May-13 00:19:57

You'll be fine, better than fine, even though it may not feel like it now.

I am a lone parent of two, both with ASD. I wouldn't have it any other way. I started out married, secure, all the right stuff. It didn't work, he never did a stroke to help with them, just made life harder tbh, but here we are and it's fine.

As for financially? Fuckwit is going to have to pay, although if I were you and you can manage I would be tempted to ask for NOTHING and hope he stays well away.

Congratulations smile.

DHtotalnob Wed 22-May-13 00:25:45

yes! ^ also congratulations!! thanks
it's a magical time. don't waste it on a dickwad

KittyVonCatsworth Wed 22-May-13 00:35:36

I had this with girl child's father. We were 6 months into a fucked up relationship of drink and drugs etc. found out at 4 months being pregnant. He made all the coo-ing noises of how this was the reason he needed to turn his life around, couldn't wait etc etc. 6 weeks later he was telling me he couldn't face the responsibility. Wanted to adopt out.

I put it down to wobbles, accepted that he continued to drink smoke weed, shag about (later found out, another story!). Girl child came along, 9 weeks after, he disappeared for 4 weeks. I dumped his sorry, lazy arse, he refused to contribute any time / money to her.

He got an attack of the guilts, 'made an effort' for nearly a year. Dropped her again until she was about 5, made a bit more effort, this time for 2 years. Then disappeared off the face of the planet.

CSA caught up with him numerous times. He dodged payments by quitting jobs and moving on.

Roll on 8 years, my daughter now 13 had tried to make contact with him via FB, where he declined her friend request.

She's now 17 and do you know, she is the most switched on teen I've ever had the good fortune to meet. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, BF of 2 years, going to uni, doing a chairty climb to Killimanjaro, what would be, a real credit to him if he'd made the effort. I'm so, so, so incredibly proud of her. I put most of what she is down to the nature of her, but hopefully, a smidgen of what she's gt from me.

Financially, god, yes it was so tough at times. To date, I have received just over £300 from her father. But I worked long hours, little pay, enough to cover child care and very basic bills. I used to get small pleasures of buying her a birthday outfit out of Woolies every year.

We went without a lot, but this has given her a good work ethic, a value for money and she rarely asks for anything.

Now, I'm on a good salary, have just bought her 1st car, manage to save money every month for her.

Above everything, I get immense pleasure of having done this by myself.

Don't ever, ever accept 2nd best. You deserve more.

Apologies for the no words of wisdom, but it CAN be done and what you think you can't provide for Flump, you can by giving them a mum who has self respect and is courageous enough not to settle for anything less xxx

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 22-May-13 01:32:25

No advice, just wanged to say bravo Kitty!

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 22-May-13 01:32:50

*wanted - bloody phone angry

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 06:21:25

I've been a single parent since birth and DS turns 13 next week. Circumstances were all wrong at the time and there have been challenges along the way but he was the best thing I ever did. You're going to need as much help as you can get from wherever you can get it - this is not the time for misplaced pride. My very good friend, for example, acted as my birth partner and - you know what - I think she made a much better job of it than some idiot bloke would have done. smile

Like KittyvonCatsworth above, I've worked since DS was very small, I'm very proud of having held it all together and I think he's motivated me to work hard, be a good example and make a good life for us both. He's also a great kid, doing well at school, very kind personality, polite... and we're very close.

FWIW - aside from the perennial problem of babysitting and free time in general - haven't had any trouble forming new relationships. But we have such a nice life, the two of us, that anyone wanting to join it would have to be pretty special.

niceupthedance Wed 22-May-13 07:45:23

I did the whole thing alone too. My advice would be that if you continue with the pregnancy, don't waste your time trying to get him interested in it. Just leave it until baby is born (and even then try not to let any fuckwittage get to you).

My DS is now 2 and a bit, it has been very hard tbh, but there is light at the end of the tunnel now - I am at uni (you get more help as a lone parent) and have a couple of suitors on the scene. And of course, DS is a wonderful and happy boy. Good luck with whatever you decide. smile

Wez86 Wed 22-May-13 11:16:43

Thank you for your responses. I have such a good support network around me, friends and family etc but i really wanted to try and reach out to those who have gone through similar.
I don't intend on letting him in when he feels like it. i advised him that whatever he decided he had to stick to it as i wont have him dipping in and out of my baby's life. His response was that if he later decides to be involved then like i have forced him into something he will do the same and he has i look forward to that happening sad
I have a decent career, and my own house, car etc so i feel very self sufficient but i am very scared of the unknown and just hope i can provide everything for my baby and maintain everything i have worked hard for. i know it's going to be hard regardless but hearing from you guys has helped me to realise it is possible and still a happy time. Thank you

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-May-13 11:55:21

"His response was that if he later decides to be involved then like i have forced him into something he will do the same and he has rights.. "

'Rights' is it? smile In the short-term make sure you get a financial contribution from him because until he makes his mind up about whether to be a parent or not (and how pathetic is that?) your baby should not suffer materially as a result. If he never meets his child, at least you can one day point to the CSA and the bank statements and tell junior that Dad may have been a grade A tosser but at least he stumped up some cash.

redheadalert Wed 22-May-13 12:18:06

I was a single mum from birth too, I gave birth on my own with just a midwife on hand.

I didn't work for most of DS's childhood but we still managed pretty well, had nice things and holidays etc, so I'm sure if you have a good job, home etc then you'll have no worries there. I've had no problem forming new relationships, and I'm now married with a house bought outright, DS in private school and doing well in his GCSEs. Like you, I had a lot of support from my family and this meant I could maintain a decent social life, do leisure activities like sports and adult education, and even go on adult-only holidays. I probably got more free time than a lot of parents who are together tbh!

My own approach to involvement from the father was to ensure he wasn't on the birth certificate. He was an unsuitable parenting figure for various reasons. I have done better as a lone parent without the complications of shared contact (would be horrible to think of not having DS home for Christmas and birthdays), I think it helped when developing relationships with men too, as DH has effectively taken on DS as his own, which would be harder with another male figure in the background. It is well worth looking into the legal situation and considering how it would affect you if the father later decided he wanted to be involved (it could mean limiting where you live, or travelling abroad).

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