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I am I being unreasonable(22 Posts)
We are both late thirties, I am divorced with two children 17 and 7.he has never been married. We have been together two years this summer.we don't live together but spend every weekend and two nights in the week, mainly at mine due to kids.We split up for a week last August.I moved out of town, two hours away, he visited me every weekend for the 6 months I was away. He decided he did not want to relocate, it was after this decision that he decided to end it.with hindsight it was a rushed decision on my part.anyway I moved back in January. He is very very caring, treats me like a princesses always has done. It took him 8 months to say he loved me, since we got back together he does not say he loves me, apart from theday we got back together,however he treats me perfectly. He says we will always be together, however he has not asked to officially move in with me or asked me to be his wife. I am not worried about marriage but want to live with someone. At 38 I am not getting younger. He knows what I want. I told him a few months ago to leave me alone if he does not want the same things. Tis was quite a big conversation we don't normally argue.He treats me so well ladies but I am I wasting time? Totally wonderful with the kids too. Comes on kids holidays, homework etc. we are both Proffessional people although I earn a bit more, one of my friends thinks this could be the problem or the fact that his parents refuse to meet me because of my colour.Advise me please. Don't want to nag or bring up the same issue all the time.the two nights he spends at his flat are the nights he plays his sports games. He calls me before bed without fail.
I hope I don't sound flippant but it sounds perfect to me. Best of both worlds?
..but want to live with someone
What, anyone? It sounds like you don't care who it is as long as it's someone.
How revolting that his parents won't meet you because of your colour. Do you really want to marry into that family? You'd not only be marrying the man, you'd be marrying into his family. Marriage can be hard enough without added angst of this magnitude. yy a lot of people get shit from their partner's (or their own) family, and they make a way, but if I had the choice I'd do without it if this gremlin was coming up in the planning stage.
The only thing that rang alarm bells with me is 'he treats me like a princess, always has'. I'd be very wary indeed of someone who treats me like a princess; as well as (tbh) someone who wanted to be treated like a princess. It's not realistic. You're not a princess (I assume?). You're just a person, who needs to be loved and respected like anybody else.
Thank you for your views. I don't mean live with just anybody, I mean I am quite traditional and in my old age I would rather be sharing a home with someone I love. the princess bit is just a figure of speech to say he treats me exceptionally well. he has not seen his parents since the conversation spending time including Christmas with me and the kids instead. I understand what you mean about such families.
Thanks, I agree, I just concern myself with life at 75 years old.lol
But 75 is nearly 30 years away. I have to say that the closer you get to 75, the further away it seems. When you're 38 it can seem close. (I'm having an Eric Cantona moment there - talking rubbish . I know what I mean, even if nobody else does LOL.)
ok I get it about being traditional now. I also get the 'princess' figure of speech.
Why did you split in August last year btw?
It's hard to read your story because there aren't any paras - it's hard to read a block text (sorry). especially as there's a lot to the story. Can you spell it out a bit more?
Does he have to ask you to move in? Isn't that something you could both discuss?
No, it's nearly 40 years away!
that a LONG TIME away!
Thank you springymater,
We split up on the day he was supposed to take me to his parents, he did not give much of an explanation at he time, it was also because he did not want to relocate.
I thought people in love say it to each other?
Should he not be saying he loves me a lot more often?
Some people are more comfortable with say I Love You than others, it's more what he does to show you he does, and by the sounds of it, you say he treats you well.
As for the argument when you were supposed to meet his folks, maybe he was trying to protect you from his bigoted parents. Not that it's right, in an ideal world he'd be standing up to the twunts, but it's easier to say that from an outside perspective.
Do you feel he's totally committed to the relationship? If not, ask him outright if he is and what the barriers are. Maybe he's wobbly given the too-ing and fro-ing - lack of confidence perhaps?
Thank you, yes he treats me and the children really well, I have moved back since January so no more weekend commutes for him, I suppose I expected him to want to move in with us when I moved back.he says he is totally committed to the relationship just not ready to live together.
when I have asked him about it he asks me what I am missing since he spends every weekend plus one to two nights in the week at mine. He does most of the cooking and jobs round the house like gardening DIY etc. he comes on holidays with us. I really don't understand what the barrier is hence he dilemma
If he's not ready, he's not ready. Please don't try and force it, you know it will have the negative effect. Enjoy the time you spend together, but most of all, start learning to enjoy time by yourself too. Are there any local groups / interests you can pursue for the days he's not there? Is he perhaps concerned that all your energy is focused on him (and children). That can be quite daunting to another.
I appreciate its been 2 years, but there was a significant upheaval in your relationship, all I can stress is not to force it x
Thank you, I am quite busy with work and have hobbies too, I will do as you suggest.thanks
Hang on. I'm just trying to work out the relocating thing. Can you explain it?
Is it that you moved away, then moved back to be where he is?
Just a thought: some people
of the male gender don't value things they get easily. If you're doing all the running (?) he doesn't have to work particularly hard for you, does he? It's said that some men like the chase - in fact, need the chase to value what they catch.
From what you say, it looks like you're doing all the running - and waiting for him to catch up. But he's not running, because you're doing it.
I'm not suggesting you play games - just that you value yourself and what you have, and let him find that out for himself (without you spoon-feeding it to him?)
Do you ask him to tell you he loves you?
I take your point about running but you could not be more wrong. I have a (very sucessfuk)business in the city we live, which is we're we met, he had just moved here from London and we met the month he moved here. I then decided to open another branch somewhere else which two hours from here. He travelled to me every weekend not the other way round. My business here started suffering when I was away so I made the decision to come and nature the established business since its the bread and butter for me. That was the main reason for moving back plus the additional benefit that he was likes it here. he calls, comes to me etc. Apart from saying he loves or asking to move In with me, he does the running.
well thank you - but I expect it's just that we've had a bit of experience!
I agree that not telling you he loves you - when he did before - is a bit odd. Also breaking up with you because you were about to meet his parents. It all sounds a bit odd.
has he had long term relationships before?
Not many, lived with university girlfriend until late twenties, she was bipolar. A couple of girlfriends in between.apparently ours is the best and most serious he has had.
It used to be like pulling teeth getting my now DH to say/admit/whatever that he loved me. Took him three bloody years even though as you say all his ways and actions seemed to say that he already did. I think in his case he was fighting his feelings a little and also wanted to be absolutely sure as we had both been hurt very badly in the past by our ex spouses.
But the thing is once he took the plunge and said it and admitted he had known for a long time
cheers for that DH he never again flinched from saying it and l don't think he has gone a day since without saying it to me or in a note or text etc.
So l do think it odd OP that someone would say it regularly in the past and then just stop, even though they are behaving exactly the same towards you in every other way.
Forgive me for saying this but it smacks to me of being slightly cruel in a way as if deliberately withholding the one thing he must know you want to hear.
Have you asked him why he no longer says it ? If so what did he say? Do you still say it to him?
He did not say it regularly possibly a total of 4 times. I have stopped saying it to him but one time he said, talk is cheap, I should judge his feelings by his action, I don't get the cruel bit because he knows I would like to hear that. Instead he cooks lovely meals, personally delivers flowers to my office for special occasions, 12 roses on valentines day. Etc I am glad that things worked out for you and your hubby, 3 years was a long time.
I don't think you are being unreasonable.
Seems odd that you haven't met his parents yet.
Personally speaking I don't think 12 roses on Valentines Day is any great shakes if you feel your relationship is lacking in more important things such as commitment or direction.
Perhaps it's time to trust your instincts and have a frank discussion about what you both really want in the future.
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