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I've turned into a ruddy loon over my ex. Help please!(31 Posts)
My ex moved out over a year ago. We had been sleeping in separate rooms for a while and I was desperate for him to leave. I ended the relationship because of many reasons, he was incredibly unsupportive of me emotionally, I felt that he was from the day our son was born (we have a 3.5 year old). He disagreed with everything I said or did, stopped working, left us screwed financially, barely helped with our son, many many reasons.
He kept on telling me we should work at it, I refused as he made no effort to change. I hold my hands up, I can be a total nightmare to live with too. I had fully had enough and wanted out.
So he moved out, we ended up working away on and off over the summer and we were sleeping with each other on and off. Things started to get sour at the end of last year, we last slept together in February, and 3 months prior to that.
I always had a massive issue that he didn't support me with our son, and would never agree to definite days when he would have him. He turned up whenever he liked, is always late with maintenance, in fact he still owes me from February. He lives a very rambling man existence, very hand to mouth, flittering about. That's fine if you are on you own, but he has our son and another child from a previous relationship to support.
So he is working the odd day here and there and suddenly 3 maybe 4 weeks ago after much badgering he agreed to definite days/eve to have our son. This has been fantastic, lovely to have a break and for our son to spend time with his daddy. He has suddenly become wonder daddy. It is great, but now he's being so wonderful with our boy I am realising that I love him and I keep picturing how it could have been. When our son sees us together his face lights up and it breaks my heart.
Anyway, this is where I turn into a loon. He starts helping out and doing bits round the house and is very flirty with me. Turns out he has been sleeping with someone since March unbeknownst to me. Now this is none of my business as we are not together, however he had been very flirtatious and still trying to sleep with me as well as her. I've explained to him that that is in no way fair, his answer is that he is not in a relationship with anyone.
Since i discovered he's sleeping with this girl I have been insanely jealous. Seriously I have not known jealousy like it and it it is driving me insane, I have no idea where the hell it has come from but it is really affecting me. I am turning into a loon. I guess I am now realising that we are over, it is never going to work out and I seriously need to get over it.
Worst thing is that I've looked through his phone and seen the messages between them and it is heart breaking. He claims he is just sleeping with her and neither of them want a relationship, but they look very relationshipy to me. They are even going camping together soon.
I guess I am jealous because she gets all of his best bits. He is utterly charming and I was deliriously in love with him to begin with. I've never known anything like it, he was my ideal man.
I really need to start acting with some dignity, but I am finding it really hard. I know it sounds terrible, I tell him to leave, he goes, he finds someone else a year later and I get upset about it. It sounds ridiculous and makes me sound mental, I get it.
I think I just want him to be the man I know he could be and that he once was, but in reality that is never going to happen.
God I'm so sorry this is so long.
Oh and I can't stop crying every time I see him. I am officially a nut job....and probably depressed.
I've got to go out for a bit. If anyone has been brave enough to read all of my gibbering then thank you, I will reply when I get back. Thank you.
It's quite natural to be jealous tbh. Thing is; do you want to be with someone who is trying to screw with two women at the same time? he sounds like a player tbh. Think about the bad bits; he won't change. Mabe you need to talk but if he was abusive steer clear.
You know what ; after reading your first post and the 'he left us screwed finincially' I would run for the hills and feel sorry for the poor sap he's now screwing around with.
Thank you for replying superstar.
He was abusive in some ways, in an emotional sense. My previous ex was an utter fuck of an abusive man. There wasn't much gap between the two and I think I carried some of my pain into this relationship. I don't know.
The ridiculous thing is that I am finding it hard to remember his bad points, although there were many. My ridiculous desire for a happy family has overtaken my sanity.
You are right. I had to get a debt relief order to get it all sorted. He just decided to stop working and I was left with everything in my name and unable to earn enough to cover it. Everything was in my name because he has a terrible credit history. Of course he does! Well me too now!
I have turned into a needy ridiculous woman who just wants this twat of a man to love her. I am so attracted to him it is mad. I must be wrong in the head.
We live in a very small town and the idea of him parading about with her makes me feel sick. I just feel so embarrassed.
Surely this other woman will see in the end. I mean he is nearly 40, barely works, has two kids that he doesn't support properly. Surely she'll be putting it all together in her head and thinking WHAT?! He is an utterly charming fucker though, that's for sure.
Oh and I told him this eve that I was going on a date...when I'm not. I guess i wanted to make him jealous too. Thing is that he obviously didn't give a shit. Oh lordy can anyone help stop me being a nutter?
Don't fall for the charm. He sounds like a nutjob tbh. Not you.
Try and take some time out. Don't have anything to do with him if you bear not to, or have to for your son. Avoid avoid avoid, watch tv, see friends, think of other things. Let it all cool down and then see. You ended it for a reason. You don't need to know what he is up to. And no sleeping with him again either. X. He may not feel the same way about you if he is not re awakened to your wonderments as you are to his......no he has two of you on the go!
This doesn't have to end you, be strong and wise and behave as you would wish to be proud of when looking back in years to come x
Unfortunately this type of
wanker man can be very seductive even though you know who they are really.
My guess is you have seen how he can be with your DC and that's what reawakened your feelings.
But you know it's all an act, probably a conscious one for his own gratification, and new woman will get the sharp end of the shitty stick very soon.
So you have nothing in reality to feel jealous about. You're not a loon but realise that this is what being close to him does to you. So you need to swerve this.
write down all the reasons why you terminated the relationship. When you feel attracted to him, read your list. That will help you get over him.
I dont know what to say except I know what its like to love someone and desperately want them in your life! And the jealousy I understand that too!!! When you love someone you dont see their negative traits becos you are too busy concentrating on getting them back in your life.
It does send you mad esp if you have never been jealous before!
But you need to look at the bigger picture as hard as this is- is he a suitable supportive father and partner. becos there will be other men out there that you are yet to meet!!!!
Have you got a good RL friend who knows you well and knows doing this is a bad idea so you can call them and get a verbal slap everytime you think of doing this? You do need to stop it and move on, otherwise all the time you are wasting with him (and it will be a waste as he hasn't changed since your relationship) you could be either much more settled and content as a single person, or out there finding a much steadier nicer guy.
Thank you so so much for the kind advice and wonderful words of support. I have just got back from seeing one of my amazing friend. I sat there offloading and sobbing, but we were laughing by the end of it.
I think one of the things that I find so hard is that i thought I was over him. Seriously. It is news to me that I'm not. It just came out of nowhere and hit me hard. Perhaps I have been so angry for so long that now that anger is fading, the realisation of the loss is hitting me. Honestly I've been harking on about how happy I am single for ages and how I like being on my own, then BAM suddenly I'm devastated.
Meant kind words and wonderful advice...but you get the jist!
Not had the best of days. Been feeling rather low, but went for a walk this eve which has helped. Trying to get hold of my ex so that I can speak to our son and say goodnight (we always do that). This is the second night in a row that he is having him overnight, usually only ever one. He's not getting back to me, so that has pissed me off.
Going out for a drink with a friend this eve. Hopefully the alcohol won't turn me into a sobbing mess!
Feel for you. But he has let you down. He's sleeping with somebody else? Well, there were years when you could have slept with him but when you were under the same roof you had too much integrity and too much anger to sleep with somebody who was not supporting you emotionally, practically, financially!!! So, now he's met somebody. That must hurt but YOU were quite right to be turned off him when he was under your own roof. You wouldn't really want him. You don't really want him. It's galling thouhg. That he was the one who failed to be a decent enough man to keep the relationship ticking along and yet he gets a second chance so soon.
I found it hard that although my x was the one who'd failed to be a decent man, and so therefore failed to be a decent partner - he was the one who got second chances, and third chances and so on. I have lost track now. And I could.not.care.less
Also, think of it from this side of the coin, imagine you met a man and you realised from reading between the lines that he hadn't supported the mother of his child, financially, emotionally or practically, no matter what he SAID, no matter what his 'take' on it was, you might enjoy it for a little while but you wouldn't think woohoo this is a keeper this guy. Maybe maybe the woman thinks he's wonderful, but even if she thinks he's wonderful you know she's got herself a lazy man who can't support a partner in the tough times. Lucky her ey?
Try to enjoy your night out!
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