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Give me strength / patience.

(10 Posts)
FlatsInDagenham Tue 21-May-13 18:40:52

DH stayed at home with our DD1 for 2 years. This was more out of necessity than choice - I had a job and he didn't. Both of us would have preferred if it had been the other way around. Having said that, while he has no desire to be a SAHD, he had no desire to get a job either. He has a history of refusing to be tied down to a steady job, and having had 2 years completely out of the workplace he'd lost his motivation and his confidence.

So last year we had DD2. We discussed the job situation and agreed that he would find a job and I could quit work to look after the DC. I've always wanted to do it, they are still tiny (4 and 1) and soon enough they'll both be at school and I will be able to work again.

So eventually, after much procrastination and stalling, he found a decent job (and truth be told he was incredibly lucky to get it given his potted employment history) which he started 6 months ago. I am currently working my notice but am due to finish work in a few weeks to be a SAHM for a couple of years. So far so good.

Trouble is, he isn't planning to stay in his job. This last week he's talked of nothing but quitting because his line manager is really difficult to work with. He doesn't have another job to go to. He seems to think he can find one easily enough and he has every intention of giving his notice this Friday (7 weeks notice required) and then he'll have 7 weeks to find another job.

He's living in a dream world. He will look even less employable than he did 6 months ago because he didn't stick at the only proper job he's ever had. There really aren't that many jobs available in his field anyway, and plenty of competition. I can't believe he's going to quit his job and leave us with no income.

I don't want to drag him through the coals over this, because I want to be supportive and not add extra stress when he is already stressed. Plus I feel guilty putting pressure on him to stay in his job when I'm quitting mine to do the job I want.

But inside I'm seething! Why can't he just step up to his responsibilities, complain about his line manager through the proper channels and be grateful for the opportunity he's got?

Am I wrong to feel so angry about this?

Ilikethebreeze Tue 21-May-13 22:41:08

No , you are not wrong.
But I dont see him changing really.
I guess others on here dont either, hence why there havent been any replies so far to your thread.

Hassled Tue 21-May-13 22:43:42

I think your anger is quite understandable. He has responsibilities, and he's not dealing with them. In your shoes I would be dragging him over the coals over this - you didn't resign on a whim, you resigned after a mutually-agreed decision.

anicenewname Tue 21-May-13 22:49:00

Could you try chatting with him about postponing his decision to quit and getting counselling? I often want to quit when I get hassled (can't take it) or when people get to know me better (can't take that either) and in the past have left jobs when it wasn't in my best interests. Counselling could help him to work out why he has a problem with staying in a job, and work out a better plan - like finding a new one first, and not letting his family down.
Sounds rubbish for you. Hope you get things sorted.
Do you think he might be a bit resentful about going out to work when you don't? Could you consider a bit of part time work?

SquinkiesRule Wed 22-May-13 06:06:09

Well if you play all sweetness and light so that you don't add stress to his delicate little head he will leave the job and you will have no income.
Why are his feelings more important than yours?
Babying him isn't working, be honest and tell him how you feel. He shouldn't wait till he has an equally good job to go to

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian Wed 22-May-13 06:12:00

I think you need to point out to him that even if he leaves and gets another job there will still be difficult people to deal with. He cant run away every time he clashes with someone.

FlatsInDagenham Wed 22-May-13 19:06:01

'Why are his feelings more important than yours?'

Because he's the one that has to do the job day in day out, not me. (Although I did it for 2 years while he was at home and my job was sometimes very stressful and I had a line manager I had issues with too.)

'Do you think he might be a bit resentful about going out to work when you don't? Could you consider a bit of part time work?'

In principle he seems to be happy about me staying at home with the kids. He certainly doesn't want to do it himself. I am planning to do some part time / freelance work from home and he knows this.

Thanks for your replies. I was worried I was being a slave-driver money-grabbing ungrateful wife. Seems not.

anicenewname Thu 23-May-13 15:17:59

How's it going?

FlatsInDagenham Thu 23-May-13 18:23:39

I'm pleased to report he's told me he's staying - for now. He had a chat with his boss, who promised certain changes.

I'm bloody exhausted from the worry and feel resentful that he put me through it. And that he never once considered his responsibilities, only his own happiness. He has never even once asked me how my day has been this week.

He can be startlingly self-absorbed at times.

I'll get over it.

Thanks again all who replied.

Ilikethebreeze Thu 23-May-13 18:51:09


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