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Don't really like friends threads but am starting one!

(4 Posts)
Spice17 Tue 21-May-13 18:33:24

Another thread has really opened up some old wounds for me (that I wasn't even really aware I had) I will paste in below what I wrote on the other persons post and may add some bits in. Here goes:

I had a very good friend who I was incredibly close to. She had a nightmare BF who also happened to be DHs mate and that's how we met.

When I say nightmare, they had a very destructive relationship that wasn't good for either of them but he ate at her self esteem too.

Anyway, after a million conversations I had with her about maybe splitting up being for the best etc, one day she saw the light and did it - and then completely disappeared from my life. This was after always saying to me (almost pleading with me) that we'd still be friends if her and BF split.

The sad thing was I was in the early stages of pregnancy when this happened and she hasn't spoken to me since then.

I went through many stages, angry being the first, I felt like she had almost 'duped' me into friendship, then indifferent, thinking of how many other great friends I have but now I just feel a sadness.

It really gets me sometimes, more that I care to admit to anyone, especially as she loved kids and she would have enjoyed spending time with DD.

I know cutting my losses is the thing to do (she did invite a LOT of drama into my life) but I do miss her lots and don't quite understand why she cut me out. Find myself wondering if I was a rubbish friend.

I don't have any of her contact details any more (I know she changed her no because of abuse from XBF) Not sure where she lives BUT I do know she's on Twitter. I'm wondering if I should try and contact her through that?

Have not told anyone of my plan because I feel a bit of dick as when this all happened, I said to a few close people I was glad she was out of my life (I didn't mean it, I was angry and upset as I felt she had basically rejected me)

I understand her moving away from her old life but I don't understand her dropping a close friend.

A) Should I contact her? Or B) Just get over it?

Apologies for this self pitying thread, I've surprised myself TBH! confused

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 18:36:49

Get over it, lifes too short for Drama Llamas.

MadBusLady Tue 21-May-13 18:42:38

Well, how long has this been? She's emerged from a bad relationship and presumably rebuilt a social life and all that, and in the nature of things other single people tend to be most "useful" to the newly single. Everything is a bit chaotic when you're rebuilding after a relationship, and she sounds quite volatile anyway. So I can understand her being out of contact a bit while she "broke free" - if this behaviour is a red line for you, that is definitely understandable, but from what you've said I see how it could happen without it being aimed at you IYSWIM.

There is also the abusive angle. If she's had to change her number, presumably the bf really was a nightmare (although she's presumably as traceable to him through Twitter as to you?) So maybe now she's away from him she has "put away" that part of her life and the people in it, partly from a symbolic pov and partly a genuine safety thing.

Not really defending her, just seeing how it could happen. I don't see the harm in contacting her again, but if she's a bit cool towards you, how would you feel?

Spice17 Tue 21-May-13 18:56:45

Madbuslady it's been over a year and I forgot to mention that (I think) the reason she got the strength to leave the relationship after all the too-ing and fro-ing at the end was because she met someone new.

I feel almost like I'm no use to her any more and I go from understanding her need to leave the past behind, to thinking, hang on a minute, this wasn't my fault and I was there for her a lot!

There was no violence in the relationship just put downs and generally not very nice BF behaviour, so her not seeing me isn't a safety thing. However I think XBF was giving her hassle via her phone and apparently has on Twitter too.

I'm trying to be the grown up here thinking of contacting her and imagining she may desperately want me back in her life but perhaps I'm wrong? I would be hurt if she didn't respond or said, no thanks.

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