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Apologies from the OW

(219 Posts)
Mosman Tue 21-May-13 15:22:24

I know this isn't typically recommended but I thought I'd share something I actually found quite therapeutic.

After I'd calmed down and composed myself somewhat. Having public ally named, shamed and called them all the names under the sun, I emailed the two other women I had contact details for.

I told them the impact they'd had on both me and the children and they both unreservedly apologised.

Given my behaviour they certainly didnt have to, I honestly feel this did me more good than "dignified" silence whichay have given the impression I didn't care or let them continue with their lives thinking they'd got away with it and maybe doing it again to some other poor married woman.

Anyway just my thoughts on the subject.

Spaghettio Wed 22-May-13 11:48:57

bogey - I've found that exact attitude on other threads on MN (unrelated to adultery). It's like we couldn't possibly blame a woman as we're all a part of the "sisterhood". Let's blame the men for it all!

I personally know a couple of women who don't give two hoots about other people (male or female) and are in it for themselves. Being a woman has nothing to do with it. It all about being selfish.

CremeEggThief Wed 22-May-13 11:55:12

angry at ticktock.

In my case, I no longer loved my STBXH and couldn't see myself with him forever. He took me for granted and brought out the worst in me. I would have left him when DS was an adult. We both treated each other in ways some people would regard as emotionally abusive and he was also financially abusive to me.

I haven't missed him at all since he left and most of the time, my life is simpler without him and his sulky, lazy ways.

Maybe some people think he has done me a favour, as if we had split up before he had an affair, we would both have had to take responsibilty for why the marriage went wrong. As it is, everyone blames him 100% and I look like a saint smile.

But I will NEVER forgive him for daring to line someone else up before endings

Mosman Wed 22-May-13 11:59:46

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, I played the OW x 2 like a bloody fiddle, gave them what for and then turned on our common enemy "DH"
It was both informative because if course he'd spun her a load of shit about me and our marriage, but equally removed any justification for her behaviour in her mind by removing those myths.

The fact that neither were hard faced bitches I guess helped, both just normal women in the wrong place at the wrong time.
One said I doubt it's any consolation but I don't think I was anything special to him and actually that's not its worse, so all this hurt and upset was basically for nothing.
That of course all lies completely at his door.

CremeEggThief Wed 22-May-13 12:03:48

Posted too soon.

I will NEVER forgive him for cheating and lying and daring to line up someone else, before ending things in a dignified way with me. And I will never forgive her for being complicit in it all.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Wed 22-May-13 12:07:11

I honestly don't think they owed you an apology. I will prob get flamed for this, but of the wife of the married guy I had slept with (many moons ago) had contacted me then I really wouldn't have taken it personally. He would have cheated on her with someone, if not me then someone else. His family was his responsibility, not mine.

Mosman Wed 22-May-13 12:11:13

They clearly did feel they owed me an apology and thank goodness because I actually don't know what I'd have said if they'd replied fuck off.

QuintessentialOldDear Wed 22-May-13 12:18:48

"and if every OW in the world said no then maybe there would be less lies and decite and hurt from stupid dalliances and flings"

If everybody respected their own relationships, it would have the same end result.

Stop blaming the OW!

ticktocktammy Wed 22-May-13 12:20:23

cremeegg - honestly speaking in RL lots of people might placate you to your face by going along with "blaming him 100%" but behind your back they probably know that your marriage had failed because of both of you. I have seen so many "toxic divorcees" treated like this and the gossip is pretty vicious once they leave the room.
would it not be better to face up to the fact that both of you were responsible for your marriage breakdown and just say so?... frankly it seems dishonest to stay in a marriage with a man you hate and were planning to dump as much as his planning to dump you and preparing by lining up someone new? marriage vows include to "love and cherish" as well as be faithful. ... I know you might find this view challenging but a more realistic view might help you reconcile yourself and move on.

BlueSkySunnyDay Wed 22-May-13 12:21:47

oh thats ok then whitebird, you did her a favour hmm

siezethenight - thats exactly how I would have felt about myself if I had ever taken up one of the many offers I had from married men over the years. I have so many thoughtless comments I have made to plague myself about that I really dont need anything else - I know I have always behaved the best I can both for me and for other people.

When I was a child I was walking home from school and I can remember seen a wife and OW come face to face - much writing on cars in lipstick and shouting....that was the exact point when I decided hell would freeze over before I ever willingly got involved in anything like that

Bogeyface Wed 22-May-13 12:25:41

Stop blaming the OW!

Why?! I will blame her for her part in it. I blame him for his betrayal, for breaking his promises, for treating our marriage and family like so much trash, for thinking I was a fool etc... but I blame her for assisting in that.

I am a decent person, I consider others feelings when I do anything and I expect other people to act in the same way. If someone will stamp all over me, my marriage and my children in order to get what they want, in this case a quick shag in a car, then I will blame them for my hurt, both of them.

Bogeyface Wed 22-May-13 12:27:58

He would have cheated on her with someone, if not me then someone else. His family was his responsibility, not mine.

But he didnt cheat with "someone", he cheated with YOU. And that makes you partly to blame for the breakdown of his marriage. Even if she didnt find out, even if they stayed together, their marriage will have been damaged by what happened and you were a part of that.

You DO have a responsibility to her, you knew she existed and did it anyway, she didnt get any choice.

CremeEggThief Wed 22-May-13 12:33:19

That is your opinion, tick tock and you're entitled to it. I rarely vent in RL as I have done here, as I like the sympathy that playing the dignified, brave wife brings, so I doubt very much people gossip about me behind my back, and I stand by my view that the person who commits the infidelity is more vilified than the person who took their marriage vows seriously.

I will move on when I am ready to, but until then, I am entitled to feel as bitter, hurt and angry as I want.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 22-May-13 12:40:23

whaaaaat, he'd have cheated on her anyway so it doesnt matter if it was with you!?!?!

Are you have a laugh?!?!?!

If you knowingly fuck a married man you are responsible for your actions, you are responsible for your part in tearing apart a family, you are responsible in causing great pain and misery to an innocent woman and any children of that family you helped break up.

If it were someone else he fucked it would be her fault.

You keep telling yourself it's not your fault, I sincerely and honestly hope it happens to you and the OW is as callous and unfeeling.

optionalExtras Wed 22-May-13 12:41:53

"to be an integral part of hurting that little child's security is vile, vile"

^ this is what I cannot get my head around, when it comes to married-with-kids folk having affairs.

How two married, 35+ adults, both with young children, succeed in convincing themselves that either they are somehow entitled to shag each other and deceive their spouses about it, or that no one will get hurt... it just beggars belief.

Even if they are stupid enough to think their spouse deserves it (and hmm to that), how can they not think of the children?

Mosman Wed 22-May-13 12:42:41

So affairs never happen in a happy marriage ? That's an outdated view and makes the holder sound like a bit of a twit.

ticktocktammy Wed 22-May-13 12:45:53

I don't think affairs ever happy in a happy marriage. why would they?

optionalExtras Wed 22-May-13 12:49:54

ticktock read some of the relationships threads. Plenty of people think their marriage is happy until they find out they're being cheated on.

Mosman Wed 22-May-13 12:54:18

Plenty of people are perfectly happy in their relationship and just want their cake and to eat it.

CremeEggThief Wed 22-May-13 12:55:27

And as I say, even if the marriage is unhappy, nothing excuses one partner's unilateral decision to commit adultery. Nothing.

I know that's a bit of a tangent, but I feel it's worth pointing out.

BlueSkySunnyDay Wed 22-May-13 12:55:48

See I wonder about the morality of someone who thinks its only the married person's responsibility.

Is it a shop's responsibility to ensure that you dont steal from it too?

I dont think only the OW/OM is totally responsible - I can see some of the women with serial offender husbands on here do think that and I disagree wholeheartedly. The responsibility is shared between the person who is married and the OW/OM - both behave selfishly and hurtfully.

As an OW/OM how can you not care that you have derailed another persons life emotionally and financially, maybe causing children to grow up separate from their parent and having to move home and school. Yes the DH/DW is the one with the relationship but you are TOTALLY complicit in the hurt and damage caused. I couldnt live with myself if I did that in the pursuit of something I wanted and I feel very, very sorry to someone who had such a sh*t upbringing and is so damaged as a human being that they have no empathy for other people.

ticktocktammy Wed 22-May-13 12:57:23

yes but often you read these and think the very least of the problems must have been a lack of awareness about the partners emotional state and that's not a happy marriage, that a complete lack of intimacy... also look at some of above. how did it feel for a man to be in a marriage where he must have felt unloved and disrespected and knew his wife was planning to leave him long term. that's got to be incredibly hurtful (EA) for someone and in such a situation I would advise them to leave the relationship. wouldn't you?

Bogeyface Wed 22-May-13 12:58:57


My husbands has claimed all the way down the line that he was happy withe me and didnt want our marriage to be over. He has admitted that he cheated because he is selfish and thought it would get away with having a bit of fun on the side.

Some affairs do happen as a result of having an unhappy marriage, but most dont. If the marraiges were unhappy then the cheater would leave as soon as the affair was making them happier, but they dont. What does that tell you?

My friend just kicked her husband out after finding out he was cheating on her for 2 years. He hasnt gone straight to the OW and is begging my friend to take him back.

MrsCampbellBlack Wed 22-May-13 13:04:02

I am so with you Bogeyface.

I know several people who have been the OW and all of them have felt remorseful and ashamed afterwards.

Of course the person in the relationship is the most at fault. But come on, having an affair with a married man is pretty shoddy behaviour. And I find it totally baffling on here that so many people think that OW are somehow beyond reproach.

ticktocktammy Wed 22-May-13 13:04:24

I know that must also be very hurtful and am sorry to hear that happened to you.

CremeEggThief Wed 22-May-13 13:09:14

Ticktock, he was dishonest and cowardly, as he never wanted to discuss anything or acknowledgets there were any problems. He took me for granted for years, made no effort whatsoever to reignite passion in the marriage and was financially abusive, including running up thousands of pounds of debt behind my back, if you must know. And yet you seem hellbent on feeling sorry for him and thinking he had justification to have an affair? shock

He could have come to me at any time and discussed ending our relationship. Instead, he took the cowardly, selfish decision to line up someone else before coming clean to me.

I am genuinely shocked to find one person who is willing to make excuses for him, as in RL, even his own mother, who has never liked me, is deeply ashamed of what he has done and at least she had the grace to apologise to me for her son's behaviour.

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