Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Apologies from the OW

(219 Posts)
Mosman Tue 21-May-13 15:22:24

I know this isn't typically recommended but I thought I'd share something I actually found quite therapeutic.

After I'd calmed down and composed myself somewhat. Having public ally named, shamed and called them all the names under the sun, I emailed the two other women I had contact details for.

I told them the impact they'd had on both me and the children and they both unreservedly apologised.

Given my behaviour they certainly didnt have to, I honestly feel this did me more good than "dignified" silence whichay have given the impression I didn't care or let them continue with their lives thinking they'd got away with it and maybe doing it again to some other poor married woman.

Anyway just my thoughts on the subject.

Mosman Wed 22-May-13 09:02:10

Actually in corresponding with the OW you get a clearer picture - well I certainly did of the whole story - if he lied, you have confirmation of that, if he didnt and you get a genuine apology again that gives you tools to process the whole bloody mess.
In my case I agree it lies 99.9% with him and he readily admits that but it's still a useful excercise to make other people realise the impact of their actions.

Mosman Wed 22-May-13 09:03:44

It's strange actually but I now see them as victims of all this too, where as 3 months ago I'd have done time for them, if it were not for the kids.

Hopingtobehappy Wed 22-May-13 09:04:35

I am with LalyRawr on this one sorry.

The only person doing the betraying is your partner, the OW didnt make any vows to you and TBH they probably only apologised because they were put 'on the spot'

Harsh as it may sound, the OW didnt do any damage to you or your children, your husband did all of that.

Its good that you feel better about this now, but I think you should probably re-driect your anger and hurt at your partner, not the OW.

Mosman Wed 22-May-13 09:08:25

That's like saying people who handle stolen goods aren't culpriable as they didnt burgle the house.

They certainly weren't put on the spot, I'm 10,000 miles away and they know it but as I said if they apologised to get rid of me I don't really care, they aren't say nursing fuzzy memories of their encounter any more either I know that much.

MorrisZapp Wed 22-May-13 09:24:53

Stolen goods are inanimate objects. Husbands are adult humans with free will. This is all veering dangerously close to the outdated sexist notion that men can't be expected to say no if its offered on a plate, and that women must be held responsible for sex taking place.

Mosman Wed 22-May-13 09:35:05

As I think everyone would agree, it takes two baby, to say the OW owes the family nothing I find very offense people as a society cannot just go around doing whatever they want without eventually facing the consequences.

CremeEggThief Wed 22-May-13 09:40:26

I'm glad it worked for you, Mosman. We all deal with this differently.

My strategy is to ignore and give her the message she isn't worth my notice. And she isn't. I'm far superior to her, as I'm not a homewrecking whore who got engaged to a cheating bastard three months after he left his wife and child, and who is so insecure, she constantly rings and texts him when he is having his contact with our DS. Stupid fucking bitch angry.

And I might be older than her, but I'm prettier and thinner smile.

Mosman Wed 22-May-13 09:42:29

Well obviously I'm thinner and prettier, that goes without saying !

CremeEggThief Wed 22-May-13 09:46:52


Just to clarify that I hate and blame him more, as my previous post may read as if all my vitriol is directed at her. I try to be civil to him for the sake of our DS, but I'm mentally stabbing forks through his eyeballs smile.

Bogeyface Wed 22-May-13 10:07:22

I dont buy this "The OW owes you nothing, she didnt cheat on you".

What about basic decency? What about the moral code that most of us try to live by? You know "Do unto others...." and all that? There are far too many OW apologists on MN, "dont blame her, blame him. Dont have a go at her, have a go at him. Dont wreck her life, she doesnt owe you anything." Well I am sorry, but I expect a level of honesty and decency from my fellow human beings and reserve to right to be upfront about what I think of them if I dont get it!

There seems to be this idea that you are letting the side down if you go mad at the OW because it is undignified. Dignified silence seems to be the MN standard, and women who struggle with that are made to feel ashamed.

I dont subscribe to the notion that men are weak creatures that will shag anything with a pulse unless they are kept on a short leash, not at all. But I also dont agree that the OW shouldnt shoulder any blame.

In my case, she knew from the start that he was married with a young family. He didnt lie, he made it clear that he just wanted sex with her and nothing more, she seemed to have invested emotionally and perhaps hoped that once he had experienced her "delights" then he would fall for her too. She was after an exit affair, as that is what she did when she met her (2nd) husband. She didnt care who she hurt or what she destroyed in order to get what she wanted. He cheated on me and for that I hate him but she betrayed me too.

She spent a good amount of the time she was messaging my husband, slagging off her own husband for the affair he had had 2 years previously and how much he had hurt her. That she would knowingly put me through that sickens and disgusts me.

PostBellumBugsy Wed 22-May-13 10:12:15

Apologies change nothing in my book. Words are cheap & easy - actions count for way more.
I have had to deal with the OW for the last 10 years of my life as she went on to marry my ex-H and is my DCs step-mother. I would never dignify any apology she tried to make with my ear-time.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 22-May-13 10:21:43

I never get this, I understand the MN stance is mainly that the cheating husband/wife is the culpable one and the anger should be directed at them.

However, what on earth happened to common decency, yes the married person is the one breaking their vows and the one hurting the family, but the OW/OM is most certainly complicit in absolutely deplorable behaviour.

There are many things in life I would like to do, but I don't due to common human decency and the fact that I would not like to be on the receiving end of such behaviour therefore I would not mete it out to another person myself.

The OW/OM is certainly complicit in the pain, sorry. damage and immense hurt that results from an extra martial affair.

IMO its fair enough to feel white hot fury at the OW/OM, to downplay it or to be disdainful of people who are angry at the other person in the affair is unreasonable. I don't think I've ever met any woman/man who was betrayed by their spouse who feels all sweetness and light towards the OM/OW.

BlueSkySunnyDay Wed 22-May-13 10:38:58

I find it strange how many women on here think its OK to shag a married man because he is the one with the responsibility to treat his wife with respect.

Without a doubt serial adulterers would just find another woman - and for those wives here saying their husbands have had numerous affairs I do wonder why you stick with them.

But I would struggle to like myself if I were involved with someone elses husband

It is about self respect
It is about consideration to others

Saying it is OK to have sex with someone else without considering consequences or morality puts you on a par with a dog on heat in the park. What sets us apart from animals is our ability to weigh up right from wrong

I would have felt physically sick even if I had found out one of my previous partners had been married and not told me, to deliberately get involved with a married man - I would have beaten myself up for years over that.

I agree 90% responsbility to the wife is with the husband 10% with OW. Unless a wife has given permission to the OW, in the case of an open marriage, then 100% of the blame for the OWs bad behavour lays with her.

I am glad you feel better OP and I hope the OW will consider the hurt she can inflict on others in the pursuit of what she wants.

ticktocktammy Wed 22-May-13 10:41:34

have to agree with "ageof"... you don't think pompously "demanding an apology" makes you look like a bitter "scorned woman" and just a bit of a twit?

BlueSkySunnyDay Wed 22-May-13 10:43:36

I agree with fuzzy There are many things in life I would like to do, but I don't due to common human decency

I am sure we have all been tempted, most of us will step back and consider the bigger picture "do I want my mum/dad/kids to know I did this? I dont want to hurt anyone, could I live with this?"

As I tell my children "if you dont want other people to know about it, then you probably shouldnt be doing it!"

BlueSkySunnyDay Wed 22-May-13 10:45:37

Not only are we totally blaming the husband we are also rounding on the op - way to take away her warm and fuzzies guys.

Bogeyface Wed 22-May-13 10:57:44

Where did the OP say she "demanded an apology"? She wrote to the women involved, told them exactly what their part in in the affairs had done to her marriage and they apologised.

Whether they meant it or not isnt relevant, she didnt demand the apology and feels better for letting these women know what they played a part in.

MrsSpagBol Wed 22-May-13 10:58:17

"Saying it is OK to have sex with someone else without considering consequences or morality puts you on a par with a dog on heat in the park. What sets us apart from animals is our ability to weigh up right from wrong"

Could not have said this better.

I wonder if all these people sayin the OW is exempt from ANY responsibility at all have ever had their marriages broken up?

It's quite obvious that the person with the commitment is the DH or whatever, but quite frankly you'd have to be made of granite to not have ANY feelings at all about the OW, and to mock/ridicule people who are trying their best to deal with their hurt and suggest that they are being undignified and as Ticktock said upthread "a twit" is actually quite disturbing to me.

BlueSkySunnyDay Wed 22-May-13 11:02:13

Agree Bogeyface - telling them what impact their part in the affair had on the op and her children is very different from demanding an apology

From what I read on here generally the OW is such a hard faced, entitled f*ck up - I doubt it would really register on her universe anyway, but you can live in hope that respect and decency can be learnt even in adulthood.

Bogeyface Wed 22-May-13 11:04:18

Totally agree with the mocking, its horrible.

"Dont lower yourself to her level"

SHE FUCKED MY HUSBAND! There is NOTHING I could possibly do that would lower me to her level short of physical violence! Sending her an email detailing exactly what I think of her is not "lowering myself", it is calling her on her shitty behaviour that she clearly believed to be consequence free because she isnt the one married to me.

"makes you look like a bitter and scorned woman"

That would be because I am bitter, very bitter indeed. I didnt get a choice over my marriage because 2 selfish people wanted to play hide the sausage (in her car, how romantic). Why should I keep quiet in order to maintain a dignity that I do not feel?

Bogeyface Wed 22-May-13 11:07:47

I wonder if this is anything to do with the fact that some MNers find it very hard to level blame on a woman for anything if there is a man involved. It must be his fault because us women are nice and we dont do things like that. Well news flash, there are some fucking bitches out there who dont give 2 shiny shites about the sisterhood, they dont care about you or you rfamily and they will do whatever it takes to get what they want.

meddie Wed 22-May-13 11:10:29

Of course the OW bears some responsibility. As an adult you have full control over any decisions you make and if you decide to allow a relationship to develop by, making yourself available, seeking attention and situations where you can be with the man, texting him, sending secret messages etc, then you are equally complicit in the break up. He may be the one who is breaking his vows, but no one had her arm up her back and forced her into this situation.

MrsSpagBol Wed 22-May-13 11:10:29

^^ what Bogey said.

And Ticktock

"you don't think pompously "demanding an apology" makes you look like a bitter "scorned woman" and just a bit of a twit?"

and what do you think f**cking someone else's husband, especially if you knew full well he was married, makes the OW look like? hmm

But oh well, it's the wife's job to just shut up and absorb all this hurt, pain, dishonesty and so on, lest she look like a twit.

LovesPeace Wed 22-May-13 11:14:07

I did consider messaging one of the OW that my ex was having romantic Skype conversations with.
'Kissing you deeply' was one phrase that stuck in my head as he actually was so self conscious of his (admittedly terrible) bad breath that he never kissed in RL.
I wanted to thank her - for giving me the opportunity to be rid of the twat, the excuse to tell him to fuck right off guilt free, and to build a much happier life without him. Things are good for me now - promotion offer, new partner who has proposed grin my house is lovely and I'm better off financially.
So thank you Tedy in Plovdiv - I owe you one. wine

siezethenight Wed 22-May-13 11:37:54

Many years ago in my youth, I met a man at work and conducted an affair with him. He had a wife and a son.
I believe absolutely that, that was the single worse thing I have done to anybody - ever. I was 18 so it can be excused by saying youth played a part but I did not excuse myself. It is a vile and horrible thing to do to another person, the hurt you cause, the tears, the pain, the absolute destruction of another person's self esteem. To this day, decades later I feel enormous guilt over my actions back then and responsibility for them.

If you know the man is married then you are as much to blame as the man if you enter into an affair. As a person who did so, I know I have blame no matter what anybody else says about it being his responsibility as he was the married one and/or that I was young and stupid. Its no excuse - I was to blame as much as him.

It was my responsibility to not do it - the man in question had to take responsibility for his actions BUT I had responsibility for mine as well.

The upshot of that affair was I grew up fast. I learned lessons. I would never in a million years want to hurt another person that badly again - it was my fault. Its something that has stayed with me all these years and more so as I had my children - to do that to a woman is bad enough - to do it to a child, to be an integral part of hurting that little child's security is vile, vile and I was then a vile person for doing it. And I do not accept that I had no responsibility, that it was all the man's responsibility. I really do not.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now