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Run, right?

(100 Posts)
Takingbackmonday Tue 21-May-13 13:41:45

Long story short...

DP started off lovely, normal etc. I screwed up by kissing someone else 3 days in to the relationship; we weren't serious, I told him, it was very early days, I thought we were moving on.

Oh no. I have a close male friend who was at one point in love with me; we have no history, he does not try anything - too respectful and now over it - but we have been through a lot together incl bereavement etc.

DP gets funny about this, tries to ban me seeing friend. I felt guilty about the earlier on kiss so accept. After two months I crack, tell him I am seeing friend etc. He begrudgingly accepts.

Some time later, after he still reminds me daily of his "trust issues", it comes to a head and I walk away. We try to work things out, things get a bit better but every few days he has a flip out where EVERYTHING is my fault, I essentially have to grovel, beg etc, we get back together, repeat ad nauseam.

This isn't sounding good is it? As things are, when he is wonderful he is brilliant and I want to cling to what we had, the future I foresaw. This morning he flipped out again because he didn't like the way I asked a question; storms out, now demanding if I am not there to meet him in 10 minutes (exactly, I've had the exact time by which I must arrive) or he sods off to America as he threatens to do all the time.

Why am I still here? Love. Hope. But still.

AThingInYourLife Tue 21-May-13 20:24:43

"DP started off lovely, normal etc. I screwed up by kissing someone else 3 days in to the relationship"

The second sentence contradicts the first.

He didn't start off lovely and normal. You've had this issue since the very start.

BTW there is no such thing as "3 days in" to a relationship, unless you are 13.

You kissed someone else before you and he had got serious.

That's not something you should ever have been apologising about.

Your mistake was not the snog, it was apologising so profusely to an abusive man so early on.

You basically gave him the gift of something to hold over you before he was even your boyfriend.

And he has been using that supposed trasgression to control you ever since.

Wake up. You have always been in the wrong in this relationship.

Your wrongness and his need to punish you for it is basically all you guys have got.

clam Tue 21-May-13 20:32:18

Look, I'm a fair bit older than you, and what you've written absolutely appals me. If you were my daughter I would be incandescent with rage.

YOU ARE AN ADULT. You owe him nothing! How DARE he try to control you in this (or any) way. Come on, get angry. Don't EVER grovel to ANYONE on this planet. Where's your dignity?
You are an adult who can make her own choices in life. There's no reason on this earth why you should have blown out this work dinner, or your girls' holiday.
PLEASE, get angry and bin this guy. There's nothing he can do about it, so lose the idea that you'd "never hear the end of it." You'd be free of him, so who gives a flying fuck what he thinks?

ScrambledSmegs Tue 21-May-13 20:52:03

Dump him. Freedom program. Break the cycle.

Sex with someone who loves and respects you is better than with someone who is trying to destroy you. Imagine, if it's good with an abuser, how much better it will be with a normal guy!

2013go Tue 21-May-13 22:16:03

You have done nothing to apologise for.
He has though.
This sounds like the kind of man who won't be happy till he has you face down grovelling in the dirt. And he still won't be happy then either.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 22-May-13 10:04:17

Wow! So you are banned from going out to dinner.
Banned from going on a holiday with the girls.
He's already planting seeds to get you away from other friends.
Dear lord woman - listen to yourself!!!???
Read back your posts.
Then read what clam has said above and get yourself the hell away from this awful man.
Stop making excuses - do it NOW!!!!!!

clam Wed 22-May-13 18:01:17

Yeah, just to re-iterate: he's not your dad! Who the hell is he to "ban" you from going out?

chipmonkey Wed 22-May-13 18:49:40

Ok, TakingBack, I'm going to give you some instructions.

1/ Change your username to TakingBackMyLife
2/ Phone Mr Loser and dump him. You don't have to explain why. He knows why. Leave it at "This isn't working out."
3/ Take back your life. You don't necessarily have to have a man in it. But if you do get another one, make sure he's a good one.

Seriously, that's it. A life where you can go out, have friends, have a holiday and kiss as many blokes as you like. Whatever you do, don't stay with this guy and have kids with him. He will get ten times worse with you and won't be a good father.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Wed 22-May-13 19:09:28

As everyone else has said, dump dump dump. He has been ea-ing you since you "admitted" the kiss. Clam has said everything I wanted to ^^ so please take strength from this thread and get rid. Change your number, block his, whatever it takes. Don't end up in a life of eternal misery trying to please someone who doesn't want to be pleased, who enjoys making you sad. That's not normal.

2013go Wed 22-May-13 19:32:57

takingback how are you today?
I could have written something very similar to your story recently. Almost wondered if it was the same person! Dealing with a man like this is a hiding to nothing, seriously. It will make you ill.

stooshe Wed 22-May-13 19:51:56

I've just flicked through this thread. Please do not waste your thought space trying to work out WHY this man acts this way. You have been honest and your honesty is being held against you in order to justify this man's disordered thinking. Trust me, he was like this before you met him, he just needed to find out something about you that you (obviously still) feel guilty about in order to hold it over your head when he feels inadequate (which is probably a perpetual feeling). As another poster has said, you are mourning for the life that you imagined with this man. Longing can sometimes be confused with love. It's better to "long" for something that is far away from you (which he will be if you put the kabooshe on this relationshit). Nobody has the right to make somebody responsible for their feelings, much less use intimate information against another in order to emotionally abuse them. You have your life ahead of you. I'm forty two and I had to dump a man last year who shares your partner's qualities. He's now busy putting another woman into a straightjacket of emotional abuse of which she is not wholly aware. You do not want to be one of those women who are so abused that they seemingly can't see what everybody else can. You've been humiliated enough. I hope you do the right thing for yourself.

Tubemole1 Thu 23-May-13 21:58:13


That said...

it's hard to leave a relationship when you focus so much on the good and not the bad.

Break it off completely and allow yourself time to figure out who you are and what you want in life, including in a partner. Figure out what most people would find unacceptable in a relationship. Talk to your friends and family, people you trust. Be single for a long time until you are clear on the choices you have.

I wish you well thanks .

ReturnOfEmeraldGreen Thu 23-May-13 23:22:13

Run. Right, left, wherever. Wishing you the best.

Takingbackmonday Fri 24-May-13 16:25:31

Advice being taken.

Aside the odd unnecessarily bitchy comments grin

Thanks for making me see sense.

Leverette Fri 24-May-13 16:34:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chislemum Fri 24-May-13 16:44:10

OP - you knew the answer yourself when you posted. Get out of the relationship. Be good to yourself and then find someone else. HUGS.

DameFanny Fri 24-May-13 17:53:28

Oh phew!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 24-May-13 20:22:24

good, you deserve better.

pictish Fri 24-May-13 20:27:47

Good...I'm glad to hear it!

ScrambledSmegs Fri 24-May-13 20:34:53

Good for you! Chin up thanks

2013go Fri 24-May-13 23:05:15

So glad for you- this would have never got better. Now you're free, yay!

Takingbackmonday Sat 25-May-13 11:57:58

Thanks smile

I was feeling sad so I called friends; off to algarve with a female friend and the best friend I mentioned earlier, having just come into some money, is spiriting me off to Tahiti. Seriously. Yay

badinage Sat 25-May-13 12:05:32

Have you actually dumped this loser though?

Loulybelle Sat 25-May-13 12:38:30

Better to get out now, before this twatbag knocks you up, you have his kids hes got you over a barrel for life.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 25-May-13 12:43:31

I do hope you have dumped this guy though. He is no good.

chipmonkey Sat 25-May-13 16:39:32

I like the sound of Tahiti man. Does he have a girlfriend? Please don't tell me you're not into him because he's too nice?

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