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Do men like this really exist?

(44 Posts)
CorrStagnitto Tue 21-May-13 12:06:11

So i'm a namey name changer regular and just want to get a few things straight in my head and some advice, heres goes, sorry if this is long

after 20 years of swinging from one bad relationship to another then being single (by choice) for the last 6 years ive meet someone who really seems to good to be true and i just need a bit of perspective here

we met on the tinternet, after a few messages we decided to met for coffee, i thought nothing much of it as i had been on a few coffee dates at this point, so went in not expecting anything much to come of it

as soon as i met him there was chemistry between us, he was shy and polite, and conversation flowed easily, he had a nice ora and i had a good feeling about him

we went out a few more times and then he came to my house and brought me flowers, took me out to dinner, didnt overstay his welcome, went home without even trying it on or hinting to stay (just some nice kissing going on)

fast forward a couple of months and things have developed into full blown smitteness, ive meet his children, he has introduced me to his family, he cooks for me, showers me with affection, does thoughtful little things like booking tickets to see my favorite singer to buying me my my favortie tea bags for when i stay at his, he texts me every morning and rings me every night, he jumps at the chance to see me if im free or if i ask him to come over, he tells me he loves me at least once a day, he makes plans for doing stuff in the future, there isnt anything i dont like about him, he hasnt annoyed me once yet (very rare for me) we dont argue, he never plays it cool, always returns messages, always turns up when he says he will, hes just so uncomplicated and easy to love

so i now feel like im waiting for some bubble to burst, ive only ever been out with twats who play games and fuck with your head, is he too good to be true? does he sound to good to be true to you? i feel like im being blinded at the moment, i cant stop myself from falling head over heels and its a bit fucking scary

i need you to tell me if you spot any red flags here? because i think i might miss them even if they wacked me over the head right now, love is blind and all that.

soz for waffling

ArthurCucumber Tue 21-May-13 12:17:38

Don't see any obvious red flags there smile - so all I can offer is general advice. Two months is a short time, and all of us, good and bad are on our best behaviour at the beginning of any relationship. It's also much easier to seem wonderful when you don't live with someone than when you do.

If he has children then presumably he's been in a long-term relationship/marriage before. I know it's a cliche, but there'll be a reason why that ended. Of course, that may have been entirely the fault of his ex - who truly would be a dreadful woman to treat SUCH a wonderful man badly - or it may not have been.

Like I said, there's no evidence at all from what you've said that he is anything other than genuine. I'd add that I've seen accounts on MN and elsewhere, from people who have been with abusive men, emphasising just how charming they were in the early days. Of course it doesn't mean that your guy is like that - but it just emphasises how much it's possible to hide in the "best behaviour" days.

Finally, from his point of view - even if he is exactly as he seems, unless he's actually some sort of demigod there'll be a time when he falls short of the standards you've seen so far. Don't put him on such a pedestal that you're disproportionately upset/annoyed/surprised when that day comes.

PeppermintPasty Tue 21-May-13 12:17:40

It sounds great. Stop worrying and enjoy it, but always keep your wits about you and you'll probably be fine. He could just be a good one, they do exist!

MrsMcEnroe Tue 21-May-13 12:20:16

No red flags. Very smile for you! My DH was the first man I'd known who didn't mess me around, always rang when he said he would (this was before texting was invented) and was generally reliable and lovely, and we are still married 15 years later. Your bloke sounds great.

ArthurCucumber Tue 21-May-13 12:20:33

Just reading your description again, though - you've set the bar quite low! There are certainly loads of men who don't play mind games and are considerate towards their partners, and you may well have found one of them smile

FayeKorgasm Tue 21-May-13 12:22:31

I know how you feel, I have had a similar experience. After a filthy divorce and some so so dating I met a wonderful man. 5 years down the line we are v happily married.

Enjoy your lovely man.

KittyVonCatsworth Tue 21-May-13 12:23:22

Yep, with the others on this - stop 2nd guessing and waiting for it to turn bad, because then you're not enjoying the full experience. Sure, the initial flutters of romance is not always sustainable, but don't see it as the bubble bursting; it turns into something deeper and meaningful (sorry, that sounded really wet)

CorrStagnitto Tue 21-May-13 12:25:57

He told me why his marriage ended, he didnt blame anyone, just said they didnt love each other, but he did admit to falling into another relationship before he left her, and ended up living with the girl for 3 years after, is that a red flag? i saw it as him being honest as he didnt have to tell me that i suppose, and ive been no angel in the past either

thats really good advice arthurcucumber thanks, im trying to to put him on a pedistal, i keep having to remind myself that we dont know each other fully well yet

RubyOnRails Tue 21-May-13 12:26:31

Mine was so perfect, I was looking for problems. Five years on, we are very happily married with two kids. Some men have the confidence to be themselves and are brave enough to love...

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Tue 21-May-13 12:28:41

Some men really are very lovely. It's a lucky day when you fine one. Enjoy, and, as someone else already said, keep your wits about you regardless.

geniusplaylist Tue 21-May-13 12:35:08

I would be a bit hmm about getting into a relationship when he was still with his children's mother, but that's something I've never done and I don't think is acceptable to do. Remember that the way a man treats his previous partners will be the way he treats you - and would you feel assured that he wouldn't be 'falling into another relationship' if he is married to you?

As a single parent myself, I'd also be a bit cautious about someone wanting to introduce you to his dc after just a few months. I have found that with some men, they are very keen to find a new woman to take on the (bulk of the) parenting role for the contact time when they have their dcs, as it's so much cheaper than paying for a nanny...

CorrStagnitto Tue 21-May-13 12:47:05

You could be right about the relationship thing genius, but his ex didnt sounds very nice and kept telling him she didnt want to be with him anymore, ive kind of had a nosey at his last gf's facebook and there was some nice stuff about him on there, he took her on a suprise trip to NY, and her friends made nice comments about him, they broke up because she wanted kids and he has had the snip, things he has told me all seem to be confirmed when i do a bit of paranoid snooping blush

As for his kids, there is no way he is looking to offload them, he is a really good dad and takes full responsibility for them, ive only every meet them on days out, like meeting up for lunch etc, never met them at his house

AMumInScotland Tue 21-May-13 12:48:36

Some men are actually decent people! grin
That doesn't mean he'll be perfect in every way, but there are plenty of men who are not bastards, playing stupid games, etc, etc. It sounds like you have been lucky enough to have met one.

His previous relationship starting before he left his wife isn't great, but tbh these things do happen, and men seem more likely than women to just drift along in relationships that aren't working until they see an alternative - being single doesn't appeal to them in a lot of cases, whereas women tend to be either "trying to make it work" or deciding that it doesn't and they'd sooner split up.

Two.three months is still quite early days, and there's no guarantee that he won't start taking you for granted, or be keener on romance than real relationships, or anything else that can go wrong. But I don't think you have to spend your life expecting it all to go horribly wrong.

CorrStagnitto Tue 21-May-13 13:13:33

Also a little bug bear of mine is that he doesnt ask many questions about my past relationships, he will listen if i talk about them, but doesnt probe further like i do with him, he says he doesnt care about my past, as its in the past, is this normal?

my first relationship was abusive and controlling and i kind of want to open up to him about it, should i?

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Tue 21-May-13 13:25:25

Probably not yet, Corr - especially as he's indicated he won't be receptive. There's a time and a place for conversations like that, and two months in is very early for that kind of thing. Enjoy what you have, and take what comes.

MoodyDidIt Tue 21-May-13 13:30:57

OP he sounds lovely

i woudn't worry about how his marriage ended, not saying its right, but lots of men use an affair to get out of a shitty marriage (not always the case before anyone jumps on me ;) ) its known as an "exit affair"

my dh left for OW as well (not me!) but he was only with her 3 months, she was just an "excuse" to leave, i know that sounds bad but it happens. then a few months later we met and 5 years on we are very happy and he is just amazing.

good luck and i am glad you have finally found someone nice x

MoodyDidIt Tue 21-May-13 13:31:54

sorry that should read DH left his EX for an ow - he didnt leave me for one blush

CorrStagnitto Tue 21-May-13 13:34:38

thanks for the advice, yeah i kind of understand about the 'exit affair' thing, not done it myself but ahving been in a very bad relationship myself i can get why some people do it

i should just sit back and enjoy, i think i will from now on smile

monsterchild Tue 21-May-13 13:36:14

My Dh still doesn't ask much Ascot my past dating. I think he secretly wants to think I've never loved anyone else! He sounds like he could be a keeper!

Dahlen Tue 21-May-13 13:39:50

There are lots of lovely men out there. You may well have found one.

The chances that he is one of them will be much higher if you have learned from your past relationships and are in a position where you would genuinely rather be alone than with the wrong person. Being single for 6 years suggests that's quite likely.

His previous GF posting nice things about him post split is a very encouraging sign.

The only thing I'd say is give it a bit more time. It's very, very early days and if he is wearing a mask you'll need a fair bit more time together to see it slip.

If I was going to be cynical about it, I might question how someone with a rounded, fulfilled life is able to call every evening and always be available when you suggest something. Be on the alert for being made the centre of his universe - which always sounds amazing but can actually be horribly suffocating.

LemonDrizzled Tue 21-May-13 13:51:34

I understand your uncertainty too OP as I have a DP who is almost too nice to be true. After two years we still haven't argued and he puts up with me although I am far from perfect. But I think it is best to be realistic. He will have faults, we all do, and when you spot them you have to decide whether they matter or not.

Look at his parents - they will give you a big clue as to his values and family traditions. Do they fit with yours?
And take your time. You are just dating, not getting married or setting up home together. (I am talking to myself here. I am getting overwhelmed by DPs messy house again so time to step back !!)

badinage Tue 21-May-13 14:03:08

Does he regret not having the balls to leave a relationship he wasn't happy in before 'falling into' another relationship?

I don't think anyone 'falls into' an affair and I think anyone who justifies having one on the grounds of being unhappy might possibly do the same to you when love's young dream has worn off. I also find it hard to respect people who wait until they've got another bed to go to before leaving a relationship and ending it with dignity and respect.

How often does he have his kids and does he pay for 50% of their actual costs? How much time does he spend with them where they've got his undivided attention?

badinage Tue 21-May-13 14:09:14

men seem more likely than women to just drift along in relationships that aren't working until they see an alternative - being single doesn't appeal to them in a lot of cases, whereas women tend to be either "trying to make it work" or deciding that it doesn't and they'd sooner split up.

I agree. That'll be the Politics of Housework again, like so many threads on this board today. We shouldn't excuse it though and say 'Ah well, that's just men for you'

CorrStagnitto Tue 21-May-13 14:09:48

yes he regrets not leaving before the exit affair happened, and has never made excuses for himself about what he did

he has his kids from friday afternoon to monday morning, and pays for them (through the CSA) if we go out at the weekend he arranges a babysitter, he doesnt just send tham back to their mum or tell her he cant have the kids that weekend (like my ex does!)

CorrStagnitto Tue 21-May-13 14:15:33

And his house is not messy (i cant stand mess) so this is a bonus wink

his parents are still happily married, both his sibilings are happily married, so maybe there is hope for him?

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