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Asked Flirty Guy Out; Now Being Blanked

(109 Posts)
Zilvernblue Tue 21-May-13 09:58:29

My marriage ended a couple of years ago and I've always had a bit of a thing for this guy in my friendship group. I knew him before I got married and we went on some casual dates but never quite managed to get it together, although he's admitted he fancies me. He's very shy, and has never had a girlfriend at 33. But very flirty, quite attention seeking, but kind of sweet and good to talk to too. We all went on holiday together as part of a group last year and got on amazingly well. Things felt "special".

So the flirting was happening again, but no suggestion of a date. Mutual male friends were telling me he was keen but he's "shy", so I decided to ask him out. I'm not brave enough to do it in person, so I sent him a text, not too pushy but clear that we should give it a go.

No reply. This was 4 months ago. Since then, he has avoided me like the plague. I would say he is actually going out of his way to avoid me - theres been a couple of parties where he's turned up early for half an hour, seen me in the distance and left without saying anything. I've noticed I'm no longer being invited out to drinks by several of the mutual friends, just at a time (separated from DH and getting divorced) that I could have done with friends.

I'm sure he is doing this to avoid saying "no" and because he probably wants to flirt with me in the future without having to date me, but in actual fact I'm mortified, embarrassed and really hurt by it all.

So has anyone ever encountered one of these "flirty but nice" men who don't want anything else, and how did you deal with them? Because I'm pretty sure that once he's made his point, he will try to go back to the flirty stuff.

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 11:52:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AnyFucker Tue 21-May-13 11:56:52

< looks at skaboy, looks at ZB >

< raises eyebrows >

ProphetOfDoom Tue 21-May-13 11:57:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieScarlett2833 Tue 21-May-13 11:59:57

Yes but Skaboy the diff is you are heterosexual. And not in the closet trying to act straight by flirting with women. Then running away when said women take you seriously. Are you?

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Tue 21-May-13 12:00:33

"Gay as a handbag full of rainbows" had me snorting my coffee, excellent.

Sorry OP I too thought "gay/bi/curious" after reading your posts.

Sounds like time to cut your losses.

TippiShagpile Tue 21-May-13 12:00:48

Or Cliff Richard

ProphetOfDoom Tue 21-May-13 12:02:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarletforya Tue 21-May-13 12:11:42

has never had a girlfriend at 33

Doesn't take a detective to work this one out!

I'm loving 'gay as a handbag full of rainbows' ha!

Zilvernblue Tue 21-May-13 12:13:18

I actually thought this would be quite hard to describe, but it seems quite clear. I haven't even had to describe the jealous strops when I talk to another man.

He could be avoiding me because he's guilty and ashamed at being rumbled, and he knows I know. I told him before that I was getting fed up with his carry on, and he thought I was being most unreasonable. I can see now that he preferred it when I was married - because he could flirt as much as he liked, but without me being able to reciprocate, and maybe pretend I'd chosen my ex over him and he was lovelorn. Him using me as an ego boost is his definition of friendship - he'd never help me out if I was stuck or anything.

He could be a-sexual. A couple of things he has said - "I turn people down", "he can never see himself getting married or having kids", and when I texted him to ask him out with the phrase about being a man and taking the lead, he immediately texted the mutual male friend to say he wasn't going out that night because it was raining and he didn't want to get wet!

I only asked him out because I wanted to get the answer for once and for all; I will never, ever ask a man out again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-May-13 12:29:23

"I will never, ever ask a man out again."

Never say never. 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained' and all that. You've been knocked back this time by Mr Time-Wasting Not Sure If I'm Gay or Not... but just chalk it up to experience rather than letting it ruin things for you going forward.

skaboy Tue 21-May-13 12:36:42

Katiescarlett. Yes, definitely heterosexual, just rusty. Very! And a bit weirded out by having to do the whole dating thing. Guess I'm hoping I find myself in the same situation as the bloke the op describes!

PeppermintPasty Tue 21-May-13 12:42:22

Off on a tangent a bit, but, really, there should be a MN dating panel. Applicants would write up their profiles in the usual way, then submit them for scrutiny and a written critique from an elected MN panel of four, say, which rotates every month or so.

Just think of all the red flags that would be, er, flagged up.

It would end up being a very small, but exclusive dating site.

fromparistoberlin Tue 21-May-13 13:24:46


bless him, he needs to come out

KatieScarlett2833 Tue 21-May-13 13:30:01

Oh yes. Questions like " describe the breakdown of your last relationship. Max 500 words"

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 13:53:58

I just had this with a guy online, from mumsnet ironically,

He messaged me, flirted non stop for 6 days and then suddenly nothing.

Jeez thanks for the goodbye.

Loulybelle Tue 21-May-13 13:56:45

Oi Skaboy, you want to go out.....

There, you got what you wished for grin

Zilvernblue Tue 21-May-13 14:13:34

I've known this guy for 8 years though Loulybelle.

He's completely cut me off. Its like I've been dumped, except we've entirely missed out the middle bit.

KatieScarlett2833 Tue 21-May-13 14:20:14

At least you were spared the reluctant sexing OP grin

schoolshoeblues Tue 21-May-13 14:30:05

you are describing a friend of mine to a tee - he came out when he was 34.

MadBusLady Tue 21-May-13 14:37:26

the guy said Flirty Guy had told him I came on too strong to him in the past and chased him too much, which put him off.

Well, that just sounds horrible. Hopefully once he's come out he'll have the decency to apologize.

KatieScarlett2833 Tue 21-May-13 14:40:02

At least he was being honest. Probably the only honest thing he has said if by coming on too strong means being liked by a lady smile
And not a bloke wink

Floggingmolly Tue 21-May-13 15:56:22

He has jealous strops when you talk to another man? shock
And then runs a mile when you ask him out? He may be immature and weird as well as being gay, op. They're not mutually exclusive.

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 21-May-13 17:06:26

Yep, he is most certainly gay.

Fast Tue 21-May-13 17:51:56

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

unapologetic Tue 21-May-13 18:14:35

I would have thought it would be impossible to get to the age of 33 and never have had a girlfriend, especially if he is the open flirty type. My first thought was also that he is gay. Which is why he has run a mile when he thought something might actually happen between you.

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