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Fresh Start, no more losers.

(1000 Posts)
LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 08:38:53

Just thought I'd start a new thread, general chit chat, moaning, skipping etc before I go to work and incase the other one fills up.

LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 19:04:35

I am beyond livid. Just went to pick up dd from gymnastics and he was in the car park. He came over whilst I was still sitting in the car and sat in the passenger seat. I got out the car and he followed me begging for me to listen. I just kept walking and he was gone by the time I came out.

Then if that wasn't bad enough, dd has just told me he told her at the weekend that he'd be back home soon, I was just angry because he done something silly but I'd let him back eventually! I could kill him.

thistlelicker Tue 21-May-13 19:07:52

How rude of him! He's bordering harassment.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 21-May-13 19:12:21

so, he is already rewriting the truth in his head! And telling your DD that you 'are to blame' in a roundabout way. This is shocking!

You need to write a strong email or text - detailing what SAF said, and mentioning that if he continues to harass you, by following you or tailing you to DD appointments you will contact police. IT IS harassment. sad

lazarusb Tue 21-May-13 19:12:35

I'm with SAF and others. If he turns up, call the Police. Tell them last time he forced his way into YOUR home and assaulted you and you are frightened he may do it again.

This isn't lying or exaggeration, it's the truth. Harassment is illegal - Protection from Harassment Act 1997. The Police can arrest if necessary, it doesn't even have to be physical or frequent. Your relationship is over, he has no right to be in your home or to threaten you - which is what he is doing. Your solicitor may well be concerned that he'll also use contact to harass you.

Please don't worry about calling the Police if he does turn up, you and your dds need and deserve to feel safe. You are not his property, he can't carry on like this.

skyeskyeskye Tue 21-May-13 19:20:55

I agree that you need to send something to him to make it quite plain that it is over if that is your final decision. Make it clear that due to his actions, the marriage is over.

Inform him that you are taking legal advice and that any communication must be by email only and only regarding the DC

Fairenuff Tue 21-May-13 19:21:02

I actually think that you should report him to the police. Tell them that you want to make a complaint about him entering your premises without permission, grabbing you and kissing you.

The police will be supportive - just like they would if a stranger came into your house and did that. Also tell them about him getting in your car without permission.

It won't amount to anything at the moment but it will be on record and you can tell him (via email) that you have already reported it and they do take it seriously.

If he persists in harrassing you, you can ask the police to have a word with him.

It is beyond disgusting that he is using the children like this, lying to them and not having the slightest consideration for their needs or feelings.

I think you are going to have to get extremely tough with him and definitely get a solicitors letter setting out that contact must only be via email, etc. Starting divorce proceedings will also send him a very clear message, if you think you might be ready for that.

candodad Tue 21-May-13 19:55:39


LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 20:03:43

He can say or do what he likes to me but filling dd's heads with a load of nonsense is not on.

I'm going to call the police station when dd's go to sleep and just make them aware of the things he's done which have made me uncomfortable. Just to have it on record. I'll make appointment to see solicitor too. Also I'll email him telling him I'm contacting police etc and he better back off.

Right since day one all I asked for was space, one bloody thing and he can't even do that sad

Ginderella Tue 21-May-13 20:19:26

I love coffee and fags for lunch!

On a serious note, unwanted visits, phone calls and texts is harassment and can be dealt with by the Police in the form of an Harassment Warning.

LNM - are you in Scotland? If so follow the link.

CabbageLeaves Tue 21-May-13 20:49:44

I absolutely agree with getting advice on how to deal with this. Don't tolerate anything. Zero.

buildingmycorestrength Tue 21-May-13 20:52:35

I cannot believe he would stoop so low as to speak to DD like that!

shock shock. shock.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 21-May-13 21:24:21

I think you need to prepare yourself for him being more unreasonable in future LNM - not meant to scare you at all, but forewarned is forearmed.

If you contact police, be matter of fact, explain and ask what they can do to help you.

The way he has trivialised it all is terrible, and telling your DD that is not on at all. I mean its not like he spent £50 and told you it was a tenner. Or had a secret stash of chocolate in a cupboard.
Both the above are 'silly' things to do, what he did was far worse.

imtheonlyone Tue 21-May-13 21:35:45

Oh god, he is such a loser. So glad to hear you're calling the Police. Just to have it on record and to be able to tell him that you've spoken to them is great. I had to do this in the end with my ex as he was waiting outside my house for me to get home! He's backed right off since. I seriously hope he gets the message through this and backed up with a solicitors letter! It's definitely harassment and he needs to be stopped. What a total twunt. Hope you're ok? There's nothing worse than being scared in your own home hmm. He's really not thinking how any of this is affecting you or your dd's - I mean fancy telling them he will be home soon!!!

Alwayskeptalidon Tue 21-May-13 22:39:38

LNM. He has been a total entitled plonker and wants his family back. Only you can decide what happens. Continue being strong.
I wish MN was around when I was going through similar.

LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 22:49:00

I called the station and spoke to an officer there, just told her the brief details. She told me any more problems to contact them and suggested the solicitors letter. She also asked if I wanted them to have a word with him but I said not just now. He's got one more chance to back off and I'll tell him that or he'll be getting a visit.

How the hell did it come to this?! I feel totally empty tonight and so bloody alone... Maybe because I am.

Fairenuff Tue 21-May-13 22:56:15

You're not alone, you have the whole army of mn behind you.

Also, I was thinking, he has probably fed his sister a load of lies too, I wonder if it's worth you approaching her one last time. Just to see if she wants to talk over coffee or something.

If you can make it clear to her that's there's no way he's coming back, she might be keener for him to move out and get his own place. And that, in turn, might force him to face up to the fact that he has to move on. Also, when she realises how utterly selfishly he has behaved, she might be more supportive of you.

Worth a shot or do you think she's a lost cause?

LittleEsme Tue 21-May-13 22:56:18

<waves at LNM> glad I've found you!

I'm gutted that he's spoken to your DD about this. Bang out of order.

He just does NOT see the finality of his own marriage. He thinks he can sweet talk you round to taking him back. He does not believe that you're done with him. Stupid, selfish, thoughtless man. angry

Escalate now LNM to the legal route. I'm angry for you.

V happy however to see another thread. Feel like a group of long lost friends <cheesy grin>

buildingmycorestrength Tue 21-May-13 22:56:58

EllenM, it won't be forever. You are going through a horrible, awful patch right now, and you don't have much RL support.

Is there anyone in RL you have told yet?

LoserNoMore Tue 21-May-13 23:18:13

Building, it's common knowledge now, everyone knows. I've not seen much of my friends recently. I know they're busy...

Fairenuff, maybe it's worth a try. I have a feeling she won't be happy I contacted the police about her precious brother. Who knows, I'll sleep on it.

How are you LittleEsme? Hope you're still taking it easy.

buildingmycorestrength Wed 22-May-13 07:00:37

Hey, sorry to hear your friends aren't available much. sad Glad you called the police.

CabbageLeaves Wed 22-May-13 07:14:17

LNM. Maybe a very straight unemotional letter to the sister and copied to brother along the lines of

We separated due to your admitted affair on (date)
I have decided to file for divorce and informed you of this (date)
You have approached me on x occasions:
List every single event that has occurred which you would not expect or tolerate from a stranger (because this is the status he now has)

I have warned you this contact is very distressing and threatening to me (this letter is being written for evidence not to make yourself look weak -I think you need to say this)

You have misled our DC

We are now moving into a phase where I will take legal steps to end the marriage. I would like to think that as responsible parents we can do this with our DC foremost in our minds to minimise harm to them.

If you continue to harass, force contact and x y z I will have no alternative to take steps to protect myself and DC from your behaviour. I have already consulted police and ?solicitors.

I really would like to think we can proceed with out undue unpleasantness because this situation of your making is distressing for everyone as it is.

(I've written this v quickly so its probably not great) but I would get formal and use this letter copied to family to get message across. I also think get going with divorce. English law gives you 6months to petition for divorce based on an affair or unreasonable behaviour. The theory is that if you have tolerated for that time you didn't find it unacceptable.

LNM. I rarely see friends. Between work and focusing on DC I don't get time. I think of them a lot but just don't physically get time

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 22-May-13 09:25:49

LNM - not only is he being an arse on the whole, but he doesnt see what he did as wrong. By trivialising it and making out that it was silly he just doesnt get it at all. If you were to take him back (just for arguments sake) he would think he had carte blanche to do this over and over again. sad

Maybe invite friends over to yours for an evening, make a chilli and have a glass of wine, or do a games night. I know it sounds silly to have adults games evenings but we do sometimes and it is hilarious. Brings out the child in us all. blush

buildingmycorestrength Wed 22-May-13 09:42:13

I also make appointments to phone friends for a proper chat. Then I can do the kitchen at the same time as chatting if I need to.

lazarusb Wed 22-May-13 10:46:10

I'd leave his family out of it personally. This has nothing to do with them. He is a grown man in control of his own actions and decisions. I'm glad you spoke to the Police, next stop solicitors. He has made it clear time and again that he has no respect for you or your opinions, despite his behaviour. Nothing has changed, he slept with someone else, said it was only sex...since then he's threatened you, lied to you, tried to force you into having him back. Sometimes it's worth getting official, just to bang home the message.

Cabbage - I think English Law only has the 6 month rule if you have lived together during that period because of the (law's stupid) emphasis on reconciliation. As LNM has kicked him out and not let him crawl back it wouldn't apply here.

I'm glad that your dd felt she could tell you what he said fwiw, it illustrates her complete trust in you. It also gave you another heads up as to how he's sees this. He isn't seeing OW so all's ok, he can come back asap...nothing he has done since this began has been about loving you, just his pride & dented ego.

You are far from alone smile

saffronwblue Wed 22-May-13 10:53:32

He just has no idea, has he? He thinks it can all go away and be back as it was. He has really crossed the line in teling your poor DD that he would be home soon.
Stay strong - you are doing so well.

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