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Being too sensitive?(61 Posts)
long time lurker never posted before.
I enjoy reading the dating threads.
Have been wondering about something.
I met my bfs parents not too long ago. Little things irked me. Been seeing him for 3 months first meeting with folks.
I have a handbag that is designer. Not hugely expensive: about £70 and it was a Christmas present from my dad. I don't own designer clothes or shoes and am modest with my spending. I had a Nine West coat with me but is quite old.
I have been using the same bag with my bf for the whole time we have been dating. Never said anything.
I caught his mother eyeing up my handbag and my coat. the next time I saw my bf one of the first things he did was point out my handbag. He actually said "you've got a designer bag". Then he mentioned my nine West coat and that they are expensive. Never mind the fact that every shirt he wears has a designer label on it.
Am I right to be pissed off at this? He even balked at my face cream costs when I bought it.
None of his business and I don't buy CK or RL shirts.
I'd ditch him before you get more involved. He's having a go at you over things, you feel you have to defend yourself and justify your belongings, your decisions... It doesn't sound like a fun relationship. Find someone who likes your coat and bag (and you).
Sorry, didn't mean to make you feel worse.
Just open your eyes.
He's already telling you he doesn't care about your things and that you shouldn't value yourself enough to have even middle of the range stuff.
You don't have to Leave The Bastard yet, but I'd evaluate it all and take careful notice of his behaviour towards you.
Leave The Bastard.
It's an acronym used a lot on Munsnet!
BTW what does LTB mean?
Perhaps no need to ripen like the wind. But just stand your ground.
If he says opera ticket are a waste of money, point out that he would buy pop concert tickets that were just as expensive, but that opera is more to your taste (or just as much to your taste) so its not a waste.
If he can see your point, fine, otherwise, maybe you need to part company.
But, be who you are. And if he likes that person, he'll stick round. If he doesn't, then the sooner you can find someone who does.
So it's fine to spend lots of money on things he values, but not if it's something only you value. It's fine if he buys you things, but you can't buy yourself things. Control freak.... Run like the wind.
Really even though 99% of the time it's fine you are only 3 months in, it only gets worse. In 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, it's a daily thing. Why did you buy Heinz beans, the kids can eat Adsa brand, don't buy meat for the kids you can get them sausages. You don't need boots face cream get Tesco value moisturizer. On and on it goes, while he buys designer shirts for himself and concert tickets for his family.
Why the downer on me was aimed at him.
Thinking nothing of expensive tickets for family and friends and himself but not for me.
I could understand if I was asking him to spend his money on things I want but I am not.
Was the "Why the downer on me?" aimed at us or at him? I think that's where Kitty's confusion is arising.
I didn't read the thing about pop concerts as "backtracking", just the opposite - it's an instructive comparison to show that he clearly doesn't mind spending money on things he chooses, whereas he judges the OP for things she wants to spend money on.
Its complicated so maybe that's why the back tracking.
They don't buy each other expensive presents. Such as for his nephews birthday he got a game that was about £10.00. But they spend huge amount of money on pop concerts.
Thanks maybe I am too sensitive. But I have noticed I have to fight him for tsome things I want to do whereas his is beyond criticism.
I can't see where anyone is putting a downer on you, neither am I seeing where anyone is asking you to explain yourself, but don't think I'm alone on being slightly confused as to your backtracking / defending him when you say:
His family don't spend money on expensive things and then he buys them expensive concert tickets
Sorry, but you sound a tad materialistic to me - its all about what it costs rather than the sentiment behind it. Yes, the cock shouldn't be commenting on what you want to spend your money on but I'm really failing to see the issue here.
You asked if you were being too sensitive, I say IMHO, yes, you are - especially if he's just dreamy is all other respects.
Its 3 months FFS, either put up with the small stuff or LTB.
Oh Shit....he went out of his way to get tickets for his family for things they wanted. Expensive pop concerts etc.
Why the downer on me?
Beginning to wish I hadn't started this thread.
Lweji because he takes sandwiches to work and so he gets one for me too if I'm staying over.
Youve just made me feel worse. He had no objection to me spending a similar amount of money on tickets for something he wanted.
Re the opera he said he doesn't want someone spending that sort of money on something he wasn't that keen on. he also said the opera tickets were nearly as much money as spent on the weekend away and there are way better things we could do with the
And why would "he send you with food to work"?
OK, it might just him being nice, but it's a bit of parenting you too.
I'd look at it carefully.
I wanted to go to an opera and it was going to be my treat. He said no it was a waste of money.
I don't think that was about the money, though.
It was more that he didn't think the opera (your thing?) was worth the money, so he was putting it down.
I bet the same money on something he liked would have been worth it.
And that is another thing for you to worry about.
He does DIY. Everywhere we go he pays mainly for everything: the tickets and if we go for tea / dinner he pays most.
He buys me a memento everywhere we go too: a souvenir or a book of where we've been.
But I am quite surprised at his comments re my things. its just been one or two but even so. doesn't he want his gf to have nice things?
In the morning he will send me to work with breakfast and something for lunch. So he looks after me in other ways.
You've been with him 3 months - he shouldn't be like this AT ALL! He should be showering you with attention and little gifts. This is the romantic period and he's already shown you his penny pinching ways and made you feel guilty and feeling like you have to justify yourself. You don't.
he sounds awful. I dont really buy your statement that he's not like this 99% of the time.
It sounds like he spoils every little pleasure (new dress, weekend away, opera) with his whinging and pennypinching.
I think you can do better than this OP.
I can't afford expensive clothes though.
I rarely buy anything that isn't on sale. My nine west coat was in the 50% off sale years ago.
I do feel as though I'm beginning explain myself.
99% of the time he isn't like this though.
A vote here to dump him before it gets worse.
My DP has been brought up on bargain shopping, charity shop stuff and BOGOFs. Noting makes him happier than a good purchase with money off. But he isn't mean, and for him it is normal to buy clothes in Tesco or LIDL. And recycle and sell spare stuff on ebay
Whereas I am more of an uptown girl and like quality that lasts. And I can afford it and treat him too. I love the fact he is unimpressed by labels and
He wouldn't expect me to scrimp unless I wanted to, and is always quick to pay for food, drink etc.
Whereas your man sounds like he is greedy, wants something for nothing, and resents you being able to buy things full price. Nasty!
My DH was like this.
MIL would always comment on new items I was wearing. We only visited once every 3 or 4 months, so the only way she could know it was new was if she and DH had been gossiping about me. (Items such as a raincoat from House of Fraser. I didn't have a raincoat, so it wasn't even like I was replacing something perfectly good. I then wore it for at least 10 years.)
If his mother is like my MIL, she believes that his money is hers, and that you will waste it.
He has changed, because we were going to split up and so we did a sort of "self help" marriage course together. He then realised that he couldn't keep his mother sweet, and be loyal to me, and he had to choose.
So I don't know. He is lovely and supportive and generous to me now, but in a way, I had to "earn" that, which rankles, even years later.
I think, perhaps, although I dearly love my DH, my older self would be advising my younger self that the pain of getting there could probably have been avoided, if I had heeded the early warning signs.
What do I get out of it? He's funny, passionate, fun to be with, he did spend a lot on my birthday.
He's stingy with his time too though and that bothers me more than money issues.
Little things bother me though: in the hotel he pinched everything that wasn't nailed down: emptied the free tea and coffee and sugars into his bag. He was annoyed the soap was in pump dispensers so he couldn't take that too.
When his dad had minor surgery they were going to give him dvt stockings but he said no. Bf.actually said he should have taken them and sold them on ebay as they're expensive.....is it just me? You don't always have to get something for nothing.
Complete and utter tightwad - get rid of him NOW!!!!
Seriously, if he's already questioning what you spend your money on then it's only going to get worse.
And a £70 bag is not designer, its just a nice label, Boots face creams are not expensive.
FFS I was expecting you to say it was a Louis Vuitton bag and Christian Dior cream or something!!!
I spent way too long with someone like this. It was kind of concealed at first because we were students so penny-pinching was the norm anyway. It got worse if anything.
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