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Am I a narcissist or is he a cold selfish tw*t?

(12 Posts)
secretcowgirl Mon 20-May-13 20:40:31

I have been with my boyfriend for over two years, live apart 90 miles away and so spend every second or third weekend together. (First relationship for me following 11 years with EA partner who turned out to be drug user/prostitute and porn addict, father of my DS age 9). He is generally nice to me although I know I have issues around need for approval/validation etc. which seem to annoy him. And I have difficulty with the long distance as it's like one kind of life when he is around and what feels like relentless grinding work and poverty when he's not. Plus I find the separation hard because I miss him. I have been hanging on to the idea that we would move in together and then all will be wonderful... but recently he has backtracked on our plans because he has 'realised' he does not want to commute. This was mentioned casually in a phone conversation. Things have been hard for him recently because he has been having a difficult time (dying parent). I have been very supportive of him but this experience has made him emotionally remote and triggered all my insecurities. He also seems to discuss things with his Mother that I really think he should be discussing with me.

Last week I was feeling upset and taken for granted, unappreciated, (compliments, displays of affection, loving words etc are rare) and generally fed up. I told him via email how i was feeling and made some suggestions how he could make me feel better; some acknowledgement, thanks, flowers etc. plus how the u turn on our plans was making everything uncertain again. I questioned whether he was actually quite happy with the occasional weekend in the country.

He took great offence at this and got angry and unkind, sarcastic and belittling (via email). Has he got a point? Am I just being narcissistic and demanding? To him my insecurities are 'accusations of insincerity'. I feel so hurt. After this email exchange he gave me the silent treatment for four days - absolutely no contact. He has now apologised for 'being horrible' but my feelings have not been acknowledged or discussed and now he seems to just want to get back to normal. It is not the first time he has been unpleasant and he ruined an ill-afforded holiday last summer with moody withdrawn behavior. (I had to pay for me and my son despite his income being four times mine). I feel like my trust in him has been damaged and I am struggling to regain the emotional connection with him. Am I being unreasonable? Is my baggage from previous history infecting this relationship? I know I am hyper vigilant for abuse but is it too much to want to be made to feel cherished? Sorry this is long - any wisdom gratefully received.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 20:50:12

Long distant relationships are so difficult and I'm surprised that you've managed 2 years with no firm plans to be closer, t least.

Silent treatment is the rot form of cruelty for me, it destroyed a lovely relationship as it was always me to break the licence, even if I was right. It's a means of control and power, in my eyes, and you've got to ask yourself if you really want this man in your life. He could move closer to you, resent it and that could lead to bigger issues.

It sounds as the relationship is waning as far as I can see <virtual hug>

HollyBerryBush Mon 20-May-13 21:23:26

He has a dying parent and you email to suggest he buys you flowers?

I think he's cooling off for a reason.

secretcowgirl Mon 20-May-13 21:23:30

Thank you Kitty, it has been me to break the silence too. Plans have been made for the future but the obstacles appear to be insurmountable ie. jobs, family, homes, school etc. Maybe its just run its course and I need to recognise it. If he really wanted to be with us he would be I suppose...

BabyHMummy Mon 20-May-13 21:39:35

I don't mean to be rude but your post does read like you are being over bearing (i have same insecurity and need for reassurance etc)

Everything you have said is about how he needs to change or move etc, is there a reason why you can't move nearer to him? I think narcissistic is probably a little unfair but it does read as a little self centred on your part, esp with a dying parent on his side.

It may just be how you have summarised thongs, but if not this could be why he is backing off if it seems like its him making all the sacrifice etc

secretcowgirl Mon 20-May-13 21:44:04

Holly I know what you mean blush. I think i've asked for it.

SacreBlue Mon 20-May-13 21:51:43

Unless you have had significant thoughts and exploration of your patterns in relationships you may be just entering into similar emotionally unavailable scenarios to feed your emotional neediness.

Take a step back and examine your feeling for yourself and what you want from a relationship - you may find it is not this person, or this set up, at all.

secretcowgirl Mon 20-May-13 21:55:37

Thanks Baby. Maybe experience has made me so determined not to be screwed over again that I have lost perspective. Thing is he lives in London and his home is too small for the three of us. House prices too expensive to get something bigger there. My job though part time is permanent whereas his is temporary and he has periods of no work. My job is also rarer than hen's teeth. I feel safe here and live 5 mins walk from a train station. My son is Asperger's and hates change... Does this all sound like being unwilling to compromise?

BabyHMummy Mon 20-May-13 22:00:54

secret they are all very good reasons, which weren't i. Ur original post. Can only go on info you give hun.

Does bf fully understand the situation with Ur ds? My dss is borderline autistic so I understand the complexities, but if your bf only spends a limited amount of time with you he may not.

I think rather than email you guys need to discuss things face to face. But given the additional info it could be that it's either tun its course or the complications that come with a perm move may be freaking him out

pictish Mon 20-May-13 22:04:27

Maybe he just doesn't want to make the full commitment to moving where you are in the long term. Maybe he likes living where he does.

I think it's quite possible that your relationship might be thwarted by the fact that neither of you are willing to uproot. It happens. Neither of you would be right or wrong in that.

As an asides...I would find someone who needed constant reassurance hard work...I am lazy and no good with needy people. I end up irritated,and they end up hurt, because I'm not willing or able to give them what they crave. I like space and autonomy and need a partner who is as emotionally independent as I am.

Maybe he is like me, and you're incompatible.

secretcowgirl Mon 20-May-13 22:25:04

Thank you so much for your responses - it is so helpful to get some other perspectives. We may be incompatible, I never used to be so insecure and i hate that i am being so but this situation or something about him is bringing this out in me. The distance has a massive impact I think. Combine that with an undemonstrative man and it's possibly a recipe for disaster. Plus we're both in our mid 40's and cautious. I do feel awful that this has all come up while his father is ill but I think it's been a catalyst perhaps because the relationship has not really been tested before. Pride myself on being independent, autonomous and strong before. Somehow it feels like this man brings me to my knees.

pictish Mon 20-May-13 22:35:36

Hmm..well that's not good is it?
I don't think he's right for you. You shouldn't be feeling like thi. If you and he were a match, you wouldn't be. And that's a fact.

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