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emotional detachment

(17 Posts)
bowlingforsoup Mon 20-May-13 18:43:01

Hi again. If this is long I'm sorry.

I'm feeling brave again so thought I'd post and try and get some good advice instead of insults like the last time.

Back story - been with DP for over 4 years, we have a 4yo DD and im 8 months pregnant with DD2.

He has cheated several times in the past and I have always forgiven him. This is down to low self esteem and him making me think it was my own fault. I chose to forgive him so I suppose I also chose to live with the mistrust and constant worry that he was going to do it again.

A couple of weeks ago he left his phone and I had a nose (couldn't help myself). I noticed he had been texting one of the women he had been seeing behind my back a couple of years ago. All the texts had been deleted but they were still in his call log (if anyone is familiar with a Samsung phone they will get what I mean) all the times and dates of texts were there for me to see. I text her pretending to be him and got some replies but nothing useful. It turned out she was on her way to the pub he was in so they would have realised I had his phone.

He came home that night and nothing was said at all about it. He never even mentioned leaving his phone and he brought a friend back with him so I decided not to confront him but wait and try and catch him out.

He stayed out all night a couple of weeks ago, told me he was at his friends house but when I asked his friend he said he never stayed there and made it clear he wasn't happy about being used as a lie. When I confronted DP he went off on one saying his friend was lying, he had stayed there and his friend was so drunk he couldn't remember. I knew there and then DP was the one lying because he couldn't look me in the eye and got really defensive. I'm very good at reading people.

Fast forward a week and I've hardly slept. I feel sick because I am now 99% sure he has been seeing her behind my back again. He leaves for work at 6am and doesn't come home until 10pm or later every night of the week and at weekends he's out all day and night sometimes not coming home at all. They text quite a lot judging by the call log and facebook messages from months ago show he has been going up to her house quite often for a 'smoke'

I don't want to confront without solid proof because I won't win the argument and he will make me feel like it's all in my head and I know I'm going to end up feeling guilty and ill be trying to make it up to him for not trusting him like i always end up doing.

Any advice on emotionally detaching yourself from someone? We live together though I hardly see him. I really miss him sometimes and i have no idea how I will cope on my own.

Would counselling be of benefit to me? What should I expect when I go to see a counsellor? I don't want to come across as a victim because I chose to stay with a twat but im at an all time low and can't see myself trusting anyone ever again.

Any advice would be appreciated.

bowlingforsoup Mon 20-May-13 18:44:48

I should point out that when he's out all the time he is in the pub - or so he says. The pub is in another town so i have no idea If he's there or not.

StuffezLaYoni Mon 20-May-13 18:48:22

What is it about him that keeps you with him?
This is not meant to sound patronising, but you know there are gorgeous, funny, kind men with whom you could have a happy relationship. Why do you keep yourself miserable and insecure?

bowlingforsoup Mon 20-May-13 18:50:53

As stupid as this sounds i love him. I can't imagine being with anyone else and I still fancy him like mad even though it's not returned.

I think i have this idea of a family life and ive been trying to do the best for my kids but I've realised now that I don't want my daughters growing up thinking that the way mummy gets treated is an acceptable way to be treated. My kids are giving me the strength to try and leave him.

StuffezLaYoni Mon 20-May-13 18:54:04

Again, this is meant kindly, but I think if you genuinely wanted to leave him, I don't think he'd put up too much of a protest, from what you've said.
I think if you can't see yourself with anyone other than a cheat, you probably need to be single a while and work on your expectations of how you want to be treated. There are many men in this world so have no conscious and can quite obliviously keep a woman "in love" strung along while making her look a fool.

Hardhaton Mon 20-May-13 18:54:28

U deserve better, he obviously thinks he's smarter this time. He's treating you badly and yes you forgave him but what's he doing for you? Leaving you to look after ur lil un and heavily pregnant as well while he's in the pub!
Kick his butt out and you will find you will be a strong, happy single mum.

Playerpleeease Mon 20-May-13 18:54:37

Just leave him, for your own sanity and your kids sake. He will never change. You are basically living life as a single mum if he's out as much as that. It will be easier because you won't be worrying about him all the time. Your worth more than this. I remember your previous thread, no man is worth losing your dignity for. I mean this in the nicest possible way, not trying to have a go, but you really need to get a grip, remember your self worth and kick him out.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 18:54:39

This guy sounds quite the charmer. I wouldn't normally say 'dump him' but this guy sounds a prize cock and you and your little ones deserve a lot more. It must be terrifying to imagine living a life without him, but you're worth a lot more than this. The longer you stay and condone this behaviour, the less self respect you'll end up having and it'll be harder in the long term.

BLOO3Z Mon 20-May-13 19:02:07

He's treating you really horribly. So while his pregnant wife sits at home he's out doing god knows what and you still love him...
If your gut instinct is telling you he is lying he is...
Only you can decide whats best for your family but it isn't sounding good this..

StuffezLaYoni Mon 20-May-13 19:03:38

Bollocks, conscience not conscious.

bowlingforsoup Mon 20-May-13 19:06:43

I am going to leave him, I've decided that much it's just trying to do it in a way where he will go and stay away. I've left him before and he always manages to get a way back in.
This is why I'm thinking of counselling. I think so low of myself and have no feeling of self worth which is why I've stayed in a shitty relationship so long. It's taken me until now to realise that this isn't what a relationship should be like and that no matter how I look etc someone somewhere will love me and treat me like i should be.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 19:12:22

To find someone who will love and treat you like you should starts with you chick. You shouldn't automatically be thinking of that. Get yourself some counselling and then enjoy being single for a while - get happy and comfortable in your own skin x

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 19:13:04

I think you should go for counselling, love


Book it tomorrow, and don't involve him in any way

In the meantime, while you are waiting, start taking advice on how you will manage without him financially

I remember your thread vaguely. I am sorry you feel you got chased away by "insults" but I think your inaction and willingness to be a complete doormat in the face of clear infidelity and contempt from your partner is bound to frustrate people who give of their time on this site.

This is 2013. There is no reason on earth for you to tolerate this. I hope counselling will help you reach that conclusion sooner rather than later because you are aiding your partner in setting up your children to repeat the relationship they are being modelled by you two.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 20-May-13 19:28:10

Emotional detachment= stop caring about what he thinks, says, does, doesn't do, etc.

And you may not want to hear this, but you really need to stop saying you love him. Your brain gets a messing up every time you say that. You need your brain to be on your team, for you- loyal to you. Ten years from now, relationship distant history, then you can go back to saying "but I always loved him".

Treat him as though you would treat a check out person at the grocery...with civility, be brief, nothing personal or negative; do the transaction (whatever the conversation needs to be about then the conversation is done, leave it, and move on) and move on to what you were doing/thinking about when he interrupted you.

Do not pursue him. Ask for a conversation about relevant stuff, if he is evasive then take that as a "no, he is not going to talk about it" so you get on with it and decide/act as you decide because you will be deciding once you are away from him. If he protests when this happens, say that you tried to talk to him but you were brushed off. (And what goes around with that, comes around wink.)

And it is none of my business, and you don't need to reply to this thought, to be discreet, but as you are so heavily pg, it could be a nice time to stop having sex with him (if you have not already) and then just never let that happen again. He might then leave you....result.

After the baby comes you may want your own bedroom, or bunk in with your baby more like, and he may for awhile believe you are doing this so he can sleep. He may say when? then....well, it is going to be a looooong while as you are soooo exhausted. When he kicks off say nothing-just a blank face; when he threatens to get it elsewhere, say you gotta do what you gotta do- but don't come back.

It is hard. I am glad that you see that change is necessary and I understand that while some circumstances can turn on a dime, sometimes they can not. Take care.

raisah Tue 21-May-13 04:09:09

You are effectively a single parent with the hours that he is out of the house. If he never returns it wouldnt make a difference to your daily routine. I agree with Andthebandplayedon slowly start to mentally withdraw and then check out all together. As a father he is extremely neglectful by putting his and ow needs above his own kids. You may think you love him but it appears that he doesnt love you or your dc.

Do you have people close by who can help you with practical stuff? You need to rest and make plans for the rest of your life after the birth. Find out from HRMC how much you will recieve in benefits etc and then take the big step. Your children are more important than this awful man, you need to protect them as their dad isnt.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Tue 21-May-13 10:14:38

"I've left him before and he always manages to get a way back in."

The more you let him come back of course the more he will walk all over you. He has absolutely no respect for you and your DC(s).

He's utterly self-centred and disgusting and don't be under any illusion he will ever change.

I am so sorry for you, it must be very hard for you, but always remember things will be better one day, but NEVER with him.

Zazzles007 Wed 22-May-13 00:11:29

I agree with AF in regards to the counselling. I think it would do you the world of good, to help you see what these posters are saying.

I can see from your posts that your self esteem is low, and instead of prioritising yourself, you are prioritising him. It would be good to also build some boundaries for yourself so that you can decide what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. In that way, once you start the separation process, it will help you 'defend' yourself against his approaches.

On a longer term note, the counselling will also help you work out why you are sacrificing yourself at the expense of others.

Good luck.

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