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Am I being unreasonable to be falling in love in this situation?

(343 Posts)
NotDead Mon 20-May-13 17:15:07


I am a bloke asking for advice. I am confused by the signals from a woman I have always fancied, but with whom we have set our relationship up as almost friends, but with a tension in it that just doesn't fit friendship. She is 15 years younger than me and I first met her when she was about 21. I liked her very much the first time we talked, but I was always very conscious of a professional relationship between us. We chatted away and got on about things that are rare for me to share with people. She is not the type who jumps into relationships - in fact she had a 6 year relationship with someone who seemed dramatically unlike the person one would expect her to be with (she is really interesting, into alternative music and dressing differently - he was Mr straight and dull) She is the type to talk a great deal about sex with me - certain things I would like to try, she would also like to try. I, of course, am desperate to do them with her, and yet she seems more generally interested. Try as I might to be sensitive about entering into physical contact, though, she seems to give me so few signals that I can never be sure whether she wants anything from me or not, but I am crazy about her. Partly I know this is down to my tendency to only really make a move on women when I am a few glasses down - whereas I think she sees being too drunk as a less genuine state and so that situation - of mutual inhibition loss - is less likely. I worried that the age gap was too much and so was always looking for signals from her. These seem to come partially - in the sense we talk online after long gaps of not seeing or speaking to each other - but not fully - in the sense that when we meet, I am dying to make physical contact/kiss etc, but we never do. I saw her for a weekend recently and she said beforehand that she would put me up in her living room. Perhaps I was being too gentlemanly but when we got back I said I was happy with that, but in reality I wanted desperately to spend the night in her bed with her - though I know getting it together with someone you really like as opposed to just vaguely fancy is always difficult and probably more so with this age gap.

Our relationship in between these meetings got a bit distant partly because of geographical distance, and partly because of lot of negative stuff in my life that meant I found it difficult to share. With her, I felt that the last things she needed was a friend with difficulties. I have noticed though that as soon as she split up with her long term boyfriend, she contacted me - but I was deep in family bereavement and unable to really connect with anyone.

In that interim time, to my sadness and yes, jealousy, I found that she had been dating someone older than me. This made me feel so sad, as it sort of suggested a. that age wasn't the issue I thought and b that perhaps our 'thing' had opened up the possibility of older men to her.

On our last meet-up - ostensibly as friends - when I look back, she asked me how many people I have slept with, we talked about how she wants a baby before she is 30, about where her career might go and about how my being in a good relationship could help me get what I want out of life - all things that on reflection sound so much like she wants me too that the lack of signals I can trust just confuses me more. I sometimes wonder if I have been spoilt by seeing women who are more confident about approaching men.

Anyway, the thing is that after our last weekend together I was both incredibly sad to be leaving her, but also elated. I finally realised that I was falling in love with her - or at least, I was finding it hard not to want to talk to her every five minutes - I have thought about her every day since. I kinda broke discipline and confessed to her that I fantasise about her sexually - partly because I know she has particular fantasies that we discussed - but partly because I think a conventional 'love' approach might be too uncomfortable for her - but secretly I have more fantasies like this than I do sexual ones. I think that through this, and some silly self-ridiculing boasting when we first met, she thinks me not serious. I suspect also that some of her male friends have warned her off me - but with their own agenda. I don't really know what advice I am looking for, but I can't work her out and perhaps you can help me? Of course, in the state I am in, not being able to work her out makes me giddy with even more appreciation for her - I've got it bad haven't I?!smile

Any advice seriously welcome. sad

dancinglife Wed 26-Jun-13 12:36:18

Hope the above is not offensive to single women - ie ref to wanting kids and I read too much Jane Austen?

'it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man.....'

dancinglife Wed 26-Jun-13 12:32:50

Haven't read all of this thread cos its so long..
from the first few posts it becomes obvious that you're in love with someone who is a little out of your league but not completely.
If still looking for advice (?) your age is in your favour because this might be why she hasn't gone with you yet
she will want kids and family soon - how solvent/reliable are you?
she obviously likes you and doesn't think you're a creep/stalker/not worth talking to
being in love with her makes you much more attractive - there's nothing quite like being with a man who is in love with you even if you're not sure yourself
sex and love are the same for some men, not separate like for some

But you maybe on mumsnet because you're not sure yourself/doing research for your work ect

If not, just ask her to marry you - tell her you're in love and she's the one then leave her think about it - you may end up on a 'proper date' smile

BinarySolo Tue 18-Jun-13 21:33:44

Blimey. This thread just won't die will it?

Erm, congratulations?

Catsandtheirpizza Sat 01-Jun-13 12:26:15

Good luck then OP, though it sounds potentially very painful to me.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Sat 01-Jun-13 09:53:39

Who is h? I don't have a h. I should be on a date right about now, or waking up from one.

I cbarsed, when I cbarsed with men I tell them I don't want a relationship, the truth is, if the right one came along, I would give up my singledom, well I would think about it and not put them in the 'fwb category'

You will get hurt. Well if you were a female you would, not sure about you males tbh.

NotDead Sat 01-Jun-13 09:06:07

Well I have a philosophy.. if something s gonna cost a lot to lose then its means its worth going for..

Catsandtheirpizza Fri 31-May-13 23:26:09

what about this bit though OP 'because when I really fall for someone I get really hurt if it doesn't work out'

NotDead Fri 31-May-13 22:39:02

hey even if she is a player 1 that's up to her and 2 if FWB works for her and makes her feel good then so be it.. Couse I'd like more but if she doesn't want more then I'm happy to be a friend who gets her off ot whetever.. I don't want to lose her in my life.. so pushing any agenda is irrelevant. . its about her. Sorry if that pisses some of you off..Its just the way I am.. h might be different. . which is up to you..

NotDead Fri 31-May-13 22:33:29

Oh BOF you are a miserable bastard.. no she f'n didn't. and she is spot on with her understanding of herself so honestly find some spiders to pull the leg off if you want yr negative kicks so bad..

BOF Fri 31-May-13 14:50:15

Did she say "It's not you, it's me"?

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Fri 31-May-13 13:23:20

Well done OP!

she sounds like a player

So FWB then?

Sunnywithshowers Fri 31-May-13 12:06:28

What a great result OP, I hope you have a lovely time. smile

NotDead Fri 31-May-13 11:27:06

Hello.. so I asked her for a date.. and she said that she doesn't want to be in a relationship. With anyone.. as she has spent too long in relationships. . which I agree with and understand (poor woman is obv. in demand! ) but she said yes we could go out on a date.. I'm so happy! its fine to me that she dates me and we don't dive into a stifling relationship. . I suppose you could say its risky if she is dating others.. but hey I want her to be happy first and if its not with me.. well I suppose I would have to take it. I'm aware that her alone time could be a few years.. so its a bit scary.. but she is who she is! smile can't change it!

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 31-May-13 09:54:54

Why do I keep getting drawn to this thread?confused

bubblebabeuk Fri 31-May-13 08:59:54

Well? What happened?

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Fri 31-May-13 08:57:29

Oh great, she luffs him hmm

loopylou6 Fri 31-May-13 08:46:56

ohh do tell op, I'm fascinated

AmazingBouncingFerret Fri 31-May-13 08:24:59

...and they all lived happily ever after.

<wanders off humming Some Day My Prince Will Come>

AnyFucker Thu 30-May-13 23:54:11

Shall I buy a hat ?

tametortie Thu 30-May-13 22:36:24

Marking place about a week late....

Sunnywithshowers Thu 30-May-13 22:28:24

NotDead what do you mean?

Catsandtheirpizza Thu 30-May-13 22:26:54

grin MrsAVB

MrsAVB Thu 30-May-13 22:24:17

You got her preggers already? smile

NotDead Thu 30-May-13 22:20:52


Imsosorryalan Wed 29-May-13 20:19:02

God, I can't believe I've read nearly all of this thread! I need a wine. OP, obviously you will do what you see is right but I think it's pretty black or white.

Stop analysing everything for a start. You can either carry on as you are and hope she makes a move but its more likely she'll eventually get bored of waiting for you or find someone else < in which case you can kiss goodbye to any sort of relationship when she gets a new man> or you can be honest and tell her how you feel and start the rest of your life together < boaks at the cheesyness>

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