Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I being unreasonable to be falling in love in this situation?

(343 Posts)
NotDead Mon 20-May-13 17:15:07


I am a bloke asking for advice. I am confused by the signals from a woman I have always fancied, but with whom we have set our relationship up as almost friends, but with a tension in it that just doesn't fit friendship. She is 15 years younger than me and I first met her when she was about 21. I liked her very much the first time we talked, but I was always very conscious of a professional relationship between us. We chatted away and got on about things that are rare for me to share with people. She is not the type who jumps into relationships - in fact she had a 6 year relationship with someone who seemed dramatically unlike the person one would expect her to be with (she is really interesting, into alternative music and dressing differently - he was Mr straight and dull) She is the type to talk a great deal about sex with me - certain things I would like to try, she would also like to try. I, of course, am desperate to do them with her, and yet she seems more generally interested. Try as I might to be sensitive about entering into physical contact, though, she seems to give me so few signals that I can never be sure whether she wants anything from me or not, but I am crazy about her. Partly I know this is down to my tendency to only really make a move on women when I am a few glasses down - whereas I think she sees being too drunk as a less genuine state and so that situation - of mutual inhibition loss - is less likely. I worried that the age gap was too much and so was always looking for signals from her. These seem to come partially - in the sense we talk online after long gaps of not seeing or speaking to each other - but not fully - in the sense that when we meet, I am dying to make physical contact/kiss etc, but we never do. I saw her for a weekend recently and she said beforehand that she would put me up in her living room. Perhaps I was being too gentlemanly but when we got back I said I was happy with that, but in reality I wanted desperately to spend the night in her bed with her - though I know getting it together with someone you really like as opposed to just vaguely fancy is always difficult and probably more so with this age gap.

Our relationship in between these meetings got a bit distant partly because of geographical distance, and partly because of lot of negative stuff in my life that meant I found it difficult to share. With her, I felt that the last things she needed was a friend with difficulties. I have noticed though that as soon as she split up with her long term boyfriend, she contacted me - but I was deep in family bereavement and unable to really connect with anyone.

In that interim time, to my sadness and yes, jealousy, I found that she had been dating someone older than me. This made me feel so sad, as it sort of suggested a. that age wasn't the issue I thought and b that perhaps our 'thing' had opened up the possibility of older men to her.

On our last meet-up - ostensibly as friends - when I look back, she asked me how many people I have slept with, we talked about how she wants a baby before she is 30, about where her career might go and about how my being in a good relationship could help me get what I want out of life - all things that on reflection sound so much like she wants me too that the lack of signals I can trust just confuses me more. I sometimes wonder if I have been spoilt by seeing women who are more confident about approaching men.

Anyway, the thing is that after our last weekend together I was both incredibly sad to be leaving her, but also elated. I finally realised that I was falling in love with her - or at least, I was finding it hard not to want to talk to her every five minutes - I have thought about her every day since. I kinda broke discipline and confessed to her that I fantasise about her sexually - partly because I know she has particular fantasies that we discussed - but partly because I think a conventional 'love' approach might be too uncomfortable for her - but secretly I have more fantasies like this than I do sexual ones. I think that through this, and some silly self-ridiculing boasting when we first met, she thinks me not serious. I suspect also that some of her male friends have warned her off me - but with their own agenda. I don't really know what advice I am looking for, but I can't work her out and perhaps you can help me? Of course, in the state I am in, not being able to work her out makes me giddy with even more appreciation for her - I've got it bad haven't I?!smile

Any advice seriously welcome. sad

NotDead Mon 20-May-13 19:00:02

Womb broom?! I'm not going that far in! :-o

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 19:00:34

Purple headed womb broom ?

Bwah ha ha. Never heard that term. grin

erm, I don't think it'll work though...

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 19:01:36

I do agree though, OP. You need to stop faffing about and making yourself look like a sex starved nincompoop

Just ask her. Is it that difficult ?

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 20-May-13 19:03:52

Spluttered coke everywhere at womb broom. Bahahaha.

Op, what was your professional relationship? I think it could be relevant. I'm the same age as her.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Mon 20-May-13 19:04:54

Sounds like she is using you OR she just likes to pick you up as a friend when she gets lonely.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum Mon 20-May-13 19:06:17

Purple headed womb broom! shock grin

NotDead Mon 20-May-13 19:09:33

Well I don't mind either of those - if I know! I would find it easier if I just fancied her for sex.. But I actually like her and don't want to cheapen it with the sex - oh ok I see where the new age piss take comes from... oh darn it why are women so complicated (or is it me who is. I can never tell!)..

NotDead Mon 20-May-13 19:10:20

Thanks for this btw I feel a lot less conflicted and am feeling a bit more lighthearted about the situation now.. thanks..

ImperialBlether Mon 20-May-13 19:12:41

Tell us, though... what are these fantasies of which you speak?

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 19:14:09

No, you ain't complicated dude wink

NotDead Mon 20-May-13 19:21:18

I can't tell you those! They are private! smile nice try tricksters..;)

ImperialBlether Mon 20-May-13 19:21:37

Please don't say "darn it"! We're all big enough to swear here.

I agree with AF; you are not complicated. You've met a much younger woman whom you fancy and enjoy talking about your sexual desires to. That's pretty normal behaviour for a lot of men.

Back2Two Mon 20-May-13 19:24:51

You sound incredibly young (immature actually, sorry)
What's with the analysis paralysis? Then suddenly announcing in a cafe that you have sexual fantasys about her? And then forgetting where and how you had this conversation with her?

A bit weird

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 19:32:09

I'm sure I'm not alone by saying that we want an update (non too graphic though) if the heat-seeking moisture missile has met the target. If it makes you feel more comfortable, we can arrange a meeting in a
seedy classy caff to discuss ;-)

NotDead Mon 20-May-13 19:33:57

Yes it is a bit weird, I totally forget who I am and where I am when I am with her - that is one of the things i like about her, hours can pass and I can literally not notice. I didn't suddenly announce, like 'sugar.. oh <cough> wannafuckyou <cough> ..oh nothing' It was during a conversation about loads of things. I grant you if I were the same age as her a. it probably wouldn't have come up like that and b. I would have been trying to take her straight home, but as we have this slight distance in our relationship because of the history.. oh I wish I knew her female friends better - I have no real understanding of what she thinks a relationship is - I also have difficulties in that I am used to long friendships with women and not used to dating.. sad

Yes I do feel immature in this - I am immature in relationships where I could be head over heels I get nervous and stammery unless there isn't a big cost in losing the relationship..

NotDead Mon 20-May-13 19:38:21

Oh Kitty, you are so cheapening this!

NotDead Mon 20-May-13 19:43:30

um but yes I would like to give updates - unless it goes wrong then I will go into hiding sad

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 19:57:09

how old are you ?

cherhorowitz Mon 20-May-13 20:06:03

Honestly, if you came across as you do online in real life I'd avoid you and would think you're more than a bit creepy.

I have a friend like you. He has had one girlfriend in 28 years that had lasted for 18 months. I recognise a lot of him in you. Are you him? How old are you?

ImperialBlether Mon 20-May-13 20:06:48

I reckon he's 42 or 43.

Wuldric Mon 20-May-13 20:11:43


NotDead Mon 20-May-13 20:12:09

Oh great! advice from someone who says that in real life they would avoid one of their own friends ;) nice one!

NotDead Mon 20-May-13 20:13:59

perhaps, cherhorowitz, you could be a better friend to your pal who just can't seem to get a relationship to stick - its not a nice place to be you know.

Wuldric Mon 20-May-13 20:16:15

MLC combined with certain bizarre personality traits

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 20:17:06

Don't get bitchy now, OP

You have asked for comments on your situation. You might not like some of them.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: