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I don't know if there is anything I could do, but thought I'd consult

(13 Posts)
Absy Mon 20-May-13 15:51:33

the wise women of MN (and men).

It's about DH's best friend. I'm concerned for him, but don't know if I'm in a position to do anything really.

Basically, he is engaged (and has been with his fiancee for abour 4 years now, let's call him A) but it doesn't seem to be the healthiest of relationships. She's very controlling. Things like, she's decided on all the decor for their flat, where they should buy, she and her mother chose their wedding venue in addition to more worrying stuff. There's a whole group of these guys who have been friends for around 15/20 years (let's say in addition to A, B - my DH - C and D).

C got married last year and A was supposed to be his best man. C's wife (let's call her E) and the fiancee generally got on well until the fiancee found out that A had had a (largely physical) fling a few years before he met her with E's best friend (but it was over before they met, and had been for a while). The fiancee then went a bit crazy over this, making them back out out of going to C's 30th Birthday a week before it was supposed to happen, and then it all came to a head a month before C and E's wedding, as the fiancee said she wouldn't go if E's best friend would be there (E insisted that she would be, as well, she's her best friend, and actually she did go, with her boyfriend). So, A and his fiancee didn't go to the wedding and he hasn't spoken to C and E since (it was nearly a year ago).

Fiancee had always been reluctant about marriage (her parents had a horrible divorce when she was young) and said that A choosing her over C and E showed her that he was committed, and now she was happy to marry him. A bizarre rationale (IMO) to marry someone, but what the hell.

Then we found out that he no longer really sees his old friends who live in the same city as them, just the friends he and his fiancee have in common, and her friends.

Now with the wedding planning and the added stress, it's all coming to a head. The wedding is largely being arranged by fiancee and her DM (normal enough) but with very little consideration for A's family. The location is a bit remote and complicated, so none of A's grandparents can attend. She's said that they can't invite all of his family members. At this point, no doubt, you're thinking like I am that he should really just stand up for himself (and DH has told him as much as well) but he says he's terrified she'll call off the wedding if he does, and he really loves her.

Now, DH and another friend (D) were supposed to be the best men, until D had a falling out with the fiancee over the hen/stag weekend (where it should be, whether or not there should be one) which escalated into emails going back and forth, numerous phone calls and a very long, very rude email from the finacee to D basically saying he was an awful person, and she's right, so he should just back off, say sorry, and let her get her way. He refused, so now he's no longer a best man and he and A aren't speaking any more.

I'm concerned for A - he is SUCH an awesome guy, seriously, and he's kind of being consumed by this relationship. She's isolating (whether or not it is deliberate, I'm not sure) him from his friends and family, getting into these huge fights with people and then making him choose between them and her (and he alwasy chooses her). I've told DH to be very VERY careful because at this stage I wonder if she's going to go after him next, having caused such big falling outs between A and his two other closest friends.

Congratulations if you get all the way to the ending, and if you can give any advice? Mine to him (but I'm not really in a position to do so) is either stand up to her or dump her, but I don't see that happening.

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 15:54:22

Gosh, I can't follow all the A,B,C,D kerfuffle, sorry.

You have a male friend in a controlling relationship, is that the bottom line. Not much you can do, tbh. Point him to MN ?

Absy Mon 20-May-13 16:01:49

Yeah, that's the essence of it. DH's bezzie mate is in a controlling relationship and will shortly (in a few months) make it legally binding.

Lavenderhoney Mon 20-May-13 16:04:03

There's nothing you can do except be there for him. Maybe she'll calm down after the wedding.

If he is too scared to stand up to her as she might call off the wedding- well that's not a good sign. I would have been tempted to say " ok"

But behind closed doors, there could be issues with his family you don't know about, so I would just smile and be supportive.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 20-May-13 16:04:14

This must be hard to stand by and watch.

I think your DH needs to just be there is support mode. If friend asks for advice, give it.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 20-May-13 16:04:38

in support mode

Absy Mon 20-May-13 16:15:28

Thanks for the advice.

even with the hen/stag weekend, inititally the plan was that a bunch of him and his friends (including DH, all in long term relationships, one with two kids) go off into the countryside for a weekend to hang out, probably talk crap and get drunk (we're not talking Amsterdam or Vegas or any remote possibility of them getting up to anything stupid). She said no, she didn't trust him. Eventually after months of negotiation she agreed to a joint hen/stag weekend where she and her friends do stuff, he and his friends do stuff, but the rest of the time everyone's together so she can keep an eye on him. He agreed, but by this point it's so late that they couldn't find anywhere, few of his friends could come and it's ending up as a weekend where one of his friends is able to attend, and instead it's all her friend. The poor guy.

Absy Mon 20-May-13 16:16:20

all her friends, not friend (she has more than one friend).

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 16:17:25

I am not a lover of hen/stag do's but utterly fail to see the point of joint ones confused

She sounds like a nightmare and he sounds like he has his head in the clouds about it because he is so in love. Not a good combination at all.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 20-May-13 16:25:37

I wonder what A's history is, given his utter dependence on his fiancée? Can he acknowledge in any way shape or form, that their relationship is being conducted 100% on her terms? Very hard to watch, but little you can do I'm afraid... Incidentally, how will your DH being 'very careful' help anything? Surely if bridezilla the fiancée decides that she doesn't want any more truck with your DH in A's life, there will be sweet FA anyone can do about it...

Absy Mon 20-May-13 16:28:16

Indeed. I booked a ticket to Scotland to get out of it ... grin I could not imagine anything worse than spending a weekend with a bunch of girls I don't know (all speaking French) pretending to be happy and buddy buddy. For DH and his friend, yeah, a nice chance for really old friends to hang out but that's not happening now. I know this poor guys is devastated.

Absy Mon 20-May-13 16:29:35

I'm hoping that us being in another country is sufficient buffer ... But yeah, I kind of agree that if she decides that he's a threat she'll go after him. Maybe because DH is quite level headed it won't get to the point, but I'm still wary.

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