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hi, thinking about leaving dh, or at least getting some time away from him, but i have no money, and no idea where to start

(18 Posts)
anyadvicehere Mon 20-May-13 09:51:36

hes not violent

but he can be very nasty, esp with things he says in front of dc

we have been through terrible times over the past 18 months and its a stressful time atm

im a sahm, with a school age child, and i'm almost 17 weeks pg

i just really need a break from him, and i'm also wondering if i was to leave him, how to go about it

i very much doubt he would leave the house

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-May-13 10:19:57

I'm sorry things are so unhappy and stressful. Do you have any friends of family you could stay with temporarily, just to get a break? If you wanted to make the break more permanent there a several ways of doing that. Talking to a solicitor isn't a bad place to start - they can help with the legal practicalities of a split, division of assets, ideas about contact with children etc. CAB is another good place to ask about all of that. Even if he would refuse to leave the house, that doesn't affect your entitlement to a share of the equity for example. If 'nasty' means that your husband is verbally aggressive and if 'no money' means that you are being deliberately keep short by your husband, you could find the Womens Aid charity is a useful source of information about how to stay safe as you plan your exit and also where you might stay. Good luck

peplum41 Mon 20-May-13 10:22:44

Hello, Have you any friends or family (that know what he is like) who can put you up for a few days? I know you say he is not violent, but you may need a neutral place to discuss your future. You leaving him for a few days will force the issue some what, but gives you both a bit of space to see how you feel. A break up is incredibly stressful, as is moving home. I feel for you especially as you are pg, I wonder what is going on in his head?

anyadvicehere Mon 20-May-13 10:43:43

i don't have any family to stay with, but a friend maybe a possibilty, i could go to a b and b or hotel for a few nights though just to get some breathing space

we basically don't have much money, we do have a joint account, but no money really in there, but i could manage to get away for a few nights, just not sure how it would work long term or for more than a few nights

by nasty i mean the way he talks to me, he broke something at the weekend, yet it was my fault, as i nagged him to get something done, hes extremely lazy at home, and i have to nag and nag and nag

so because i nagged him to do something i can't do atm, because im pg, he broke it and it was my fault

he was swearing at me and callling me a liar

perhaps if we cleared off for a few days he would realise i'm serious

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-May-13 11:02:47

This is when you need to be quite honest with yourself and work out not only what you want at the end of this but what is going to be realistic. Verbal abuse, laziness and blaming others for his own faults are pretty bad characteristics. Has he ever shown any kind of willingness to change behaviour? Any remorse? Any acknowledgement that he is at fault? Does he treat other people he comes into contact with the same way as he treats you or is it something that he 'saves' for you behind closed doors?

I ask this because, if you're primarily hoping that by walking out you'll punch home the point that he needs to change his attitude towards you, how realistic is it that he'll do so? And for how long? It's not unheard of for men like your DH to turn on the charm only long enough to get you back on the team.

If OTOH walking out is the start of leaving for good, make sure you do your homework and plan things carefully.

anyadvicehere Mon 20-May-13 13:17:18

i suppose i hope i can snap him out of it and get him to stop, although not sure how long that would last

he does treat me and dc worse than he would say talk to his mum and dad etc

i don't think he gets how serious i am

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-May-13 13:29:28

Bullies rarely snap out of it, sadly. If he wanted to stop, he'd have stopped already. The unfortunate truth is that, for a bully, if a particular type of behaviour gets them what they want, they will keep doing it. If it stops working they might change tack for a while, be on best behaviour, promise to change, attend courses, etc etc.... but their default setting is 'nasty' and they find that difficult to hide.

anyadvicehere Mon 20-May-13 13:30:52

thanks cogito, i guess i am going to have to have a good think about what to do

BabsAndTheRu Mon 20-May-13 13:39:11

Unfortunately people don't change, when I was thinking about leaving my exh a really good friend of mine said he's been like this for ten years do you want the next ten years to be the same. I left that week, just really helped me know I was doing the right thing. Best wishes op.

anyadvicehere Mon 20-May-13 13:42:01

thanks, thanks for the advice

i guess it is pretty telling the way he is nicer to other people than to us

SolidGoldBrass Mon 20-May-13 13:44:28

A man like this simply doesn't believe that women are fully human. He considers you as a cross between a household appliance and a pet, and so he is entitled to 'train' you to obedience and punish you if you are not sufficiently compliant.
It's OK to dump him. You don't need his permission to do so. Most solicitors give a free half-hour consultation...

BabsAndTheRu Mon 20-May-13 13:48:56

Treating his children like this would be the deal breaker for me, could you get him to move out.

anyadvicehere Mon 20-May-13 13:55:25

i know its ok to dump him, guess just don't know where to begin, where to go, how to get money for things

anyadvicehere Mon 20-May-13 13:59:23

if dc does something like knock a drink over by accident, he will shout dc name

and say DC NAME

i mean whats the point in that?its been knocked over by accident, making a big drama out of it won't help anyone

anyadvicehere Mon 20-May-13 13:59:57

his only excuse is he hates his job

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-May-13 14:04:29

If you're back to where to begin, where to go and how to get money..... really talk to people who can help. Solicitors, CAB, local authority housing, friends, family. It's not going to happen overnight but if leaving is your goal, you can work towards it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-May-13 14:04:59

(BTW... hating your job is a reason to get a new job. It is not an excuse to bully your family)

anyadvicehere Mon 20-May-13 15:13:49

thanks for taking time to advise me.

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