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is my father BU? or is he right? (weight related) honest opinions needed.

(20 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Mon 20-May-13 01:08:42

Having had a terrible time of it in the last year, and crisis/ bad depression and having to leave's taken me months to slowly start getting back on track and I've lost a lot of confidence. Also I've gone from size 12 -14 to 16-18. It didn't help that I had an active job, and I left it 3.5 months ago. I have underactive thyroid and have been walking a lot and trying t o eat more sensibly but it's not been enough. Doc doubled my anti depressants and I attend counselling once a week. Starting to feel more human but have lost a lot of confidence and been a bit of a hermit. I need to meet new people, socialise and to get fit again. I live by a river and saw a sign to join a group for sailing and canoeing. Never done before but I love the water. Thought i would look into it and get out of my comfort zone and would be a good way to meet people. Mentioned it to parents and my father immediately comes back with, 'no way will any club take you, how much do you weigh now?' Yes, i fully admit i am overweight, 14.5 stone at 5 ft 9. I intend to do something about it and it's not going to change overnight but i can change it within a few months as have done in past. But is he right? Should i wait a few months until i've dropped some weight? But tonight an old workmate posted some photos of her canoeing on facebook, and i know she's at least 3 or 4 stone heavier than me. If he is right, then perhaps this is the kick i need. I don't want the embarrassment of this club rejecting me, my self esteem is low enough.

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 20-May-13 01:09:55

oops sorry posted in wrong section though i guess father/ daughter related..but i will post in am i being unreasonable too!

ebwy Mon 20-May-13 01:16:12

how rude of your father! If that kind of thing is typical of him no wonder you're having self esteem issues.

of course they won't reject you on grounds of your weight, if they did then they really aren't people anyone decent would want to be around anyway so no great loss.

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 20-May-13 01:31:29

it's typical of him but if he WAS / IS right, he could be trying to protect me. But he says its about the purely practical side of it...amount of weight on small boat etc.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 20-May-13 03:30:33

No, he's not right at all. And even if he were, the way he refers to it was unnecessarily cruel.

Here's what he should have said:

Hey, you've done a really good job getting yourself to the doctor and counselling - it's so tough to drag yourself up from that awful depression you've had. I'm so proud of you, and I hope you're happier now. Getting out and joining a club is a fantastic idea, especially something physical that gets you out into the fresh air as well as meeting people. You're clearly excellent at self-care when your illness is under control, I'm so proud of you for thinking about this. I hope you screw up your courage and join, I bet it'll be loads of fun and do you the world of good.

Don't worry so much about your weight. You're exercising and making good healthy choices for your mental and physical well being. A daughter is always beautiful in her father's eyes.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 20-May-13 03:32:17

Seriously, there is no way that a sailing club will reject a 14 stone woman on the grounds of weight. Really, really, they will not. I promise.

SunnyL Mon 20-May-13 04:15:57

I sail and kayak and have been as heavy as you. The weight you are is not an issue especially as many blokes will be heavier than you.

Just to note you're unlikely to lose that much weight diing these types of exercise but they will tone you up, give you an excellent dose of fresh air, huge appreciation for nature and are generally run by some genuinely nice people. My dad has been a member of his sailing club for 20 years and i can still stop in for a chat and a cup of tea despite the fact i havent been a member for 12 years.

Go for it!

Bumply Mon 20-May-13 04:21:54

I used to go dinghy sailing with my partner when I weighed more than you and the only issue I ever had was once swapping positions when we came into land and forgetting that I also weighed more than my partner and we got the balance wrong and nearly capsized
Just go for it

LittleFeileFooFoo Mon 20-May-13 05:08:31

The boat can handle more than 14 stone, and certainly two or three people weigh more than you do! I used to go canoeing in a very light weight boat. there were three of us and quite a lot of beer supplies.

Your father was not only BU, he was being mean and nasty too!

go have fun!

cory Mon 20-May-13 09:10:55

Plenty of big burly blokes go canoeing and dinghy sailing. My db is 6 foot tall, he probably doesn't weigh any less than you. Hasn't sunk the boat yet.

Mumsyblouse Mon 20-May-13 10:07:13

The point is not just that of course you can join, but can you avoid your father for a bit. He's actively running you down and criticizing you- if he does it again, stand up for yourself and say 'thanks but I don't need to hear your thoughts on it' and remember not to visit again for a while. You need to be around positive people.

HellonHeels Mon 20-May-13 10:17:01

I've been kayaking at your weight - no problem at all and there were plenty of larger-bodied people doing it, including one of the instructors who was a really big chunky bloke.

I loved it and there is nothing better than getting out on the water with a nice group of people - please go ahead and do it!

Does your father have a history of this type of behaviour / comment? I'm wondering what he was like as you were growing up and what kind of messages he gave you about yourself, your body, your abilities? Now might be a good time to question the messages you grew up with. IMO the last thing you need is a 'kick' from him or anyone else - you need some positive messages. I do hope you give the canoeing a go and enjoy it.

educatingarti Mon 20-May-13 11:20:27

Just go for it OP - It sounds a great thing to do. Please ignore your father's unhelpful comments. If they are advertising for people to join then it sounds like they are a friendly inclusive group and being out of doors on the water would be great too! I think you could have loads of fun and tbh I can't see that your weight is going to be an issue!

JennyEnglishTwo Mon 20-May-13 13:05:58

I don't think it's his place to comment on your weight gain when you've had a very rough year and he presumably knows this. It's not like he's been worried about your steady weight gain year by year for over a decade and finally he HAS TO SAY SOMETHING.... I think he should be a bit more sympathetic to the tough time you've had this year. he should prioritise you feeling like everything is under control again.

I eat the face off my dad at the slightest thing, he'd never dare criticise my appearance. sure i'm the spit of him anyway :-/ so sometimes i give out to him because of the way i look.

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 20-May-13 20:20:03

yes Educatingarti..part of the ad was that it was a sociable thing. Got flu right now and lost voice but am going to enquire as soon as better

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 20-May-13 20:21:26

he's just tactless and like the proverbial bull in the china shop. He knows what i've been through and was worried sick about me...but... then he goes and says this..because he thinks it's for my own save me the embarrassment of being rejected. It's just ignorance..sigh...

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 20-May-13 20:24:33

Hellonheels, entire life, not just about weight. I've always yo yoed. I was always too fat or too thin even though i've never been either to the extreme. As a 5ft 9 adult..never more than 15 stone and i lost 5 after that, and never less than 8.5 (but that stopped my periods although i didnt look too bad). I can guarantee, both my parents will find a negative in absolutely anything linked to me. I've tested it! They don't do it to my brother, just me.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 20:31:41

My dad is just as insensitive. Saw him last week for the first time in 6 months and he told me I'd put on weight (I'm a size 10). I just retaliated that he'd lost more hair.

At size 16-18, I'd hardly say you we're huge! Oh, this video is aces, a message to say 'just fecking do it'!

monstera Mon 20-May-13 20:32:59

My brother is a keen sailor and he weighs over 22 stone! He's not a great advert for sailing as a weight loss activity though. Sitting in a boat followed by a pie and chips doesn't make the pounds fall off. Kayaking on the other hand is great exercise and both are really good fun.

Btw - my dad is capable of these sorts of comments, as is my mum. Not just weight related. There's always a negative comment at any suggestion I make. They're hard to ignore but I find it's best to think about it logically. Of course you're not too heavy, otherwise how would kayaks ever hold two people?

AcrylicPlexiglass Mon 20-May-13 20:35:34

Your dad sounds like a right meanie.sad Please ignore him and enjoy your water sports.

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