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Not really thankful to my Mum for anything.

(96 Posts)
ConfusedPixie Sun 19-May-13 23:04:16

Very obviously in relation to the 'thankful to Mum' thread but I didn't want to drag it down as it is a lovely thread at the moment!

It is making me realise though that I really don't think of anything to be 'thankful' for wrt my parents, especially my Mum. She's not bad or anything, she was just never a strong character, never encouraged me to be strong, always listened to my fears/upsets but always just said "Well, I was like that as a child and I grew up." so never actually helped me be constructive or did anything constructive about it herself.

I was bullied mercilessly both by teachers/adults around me and peers from the age of 5/6 to 18/19 in various fashions. I remember crying to her when I was about 10 saying that I only had one friend and she told me that she only ever had one friend growing up so I would be fine. I was always encouraged to brush the bullying under the carpet, to hide in a corner and not face it, I'd cry myself to sleep every night and I know that bothered her but she never actively tried to do anything to help. I'd cry to her most days but she always said that she couldn't do anything.

I eventually moved schools when I was 12 after a particularly bad incident where I snapped and ended up being bitten at school. She let the police talk me out of pressing charges and it was only because I refused to go to school when the school wouldn't even give the girl detention that I got moved. Second high school was just as fun. I should have been pulled out of school entirely. I still can't forgive her for her lack of trying to help when I was bullied through school.

When I finally told her, after a year of debating, that I was bisexual, she pulled a face, told me I'd grow out of it and that I shouldn't say anything to my Dad. When I tried to tell her that I was being sexually abused by my boyfriend she dithered and wouldn't talk about it.

She was a complete sap. No sense of strength in herself, no pride in her appearance (more pride in her refusal to be 'feminine'), never stood up for me, never helped me get my own strength or ability to handle situations.

She now says that my childhood/teen years have made me 'stronger' and the person I am today. It has made me who I am today, but I am not bloody 'stronger'. I'm a person who really struggles with relationships of any kind. I have no self esteem. I know nothing about how to look good and when I apparently 'look good' I feel ugly as muck. I feel uncomfortable wearing anything that is not jeans and a t-shirt. Cannot handle disagreements with friends so I just avoid having friends and up until recently fully accepted that my only friend in life would ever be DP, it didn't bother me too much as I didn't let it. I accepted that I should just lie down and not do anything about things in my life. Mumsnet has been more of a parent to me than my own mother, what a crock of shit, right?

My relationship with my immediate family is very blase. They are my family, but the relationships are entirely superficial. If any of them were to die tomorrow I would mourn for what I feel I should have with them, not them. It feels awful to admit that. My sister had an accident last week which could have ended horrifically, she's fine, but it did make me realise that I have no relationship with her and I was so upset by how close we came to losing her because of that, not because I love her so much.

Hissy Sun 19-May-13 23:09:19

"Mumsnet has been more of a parent to me than my own mother, what a crock of shit, right?"

You are not alone in this. MN is a great Mum though isn't it? smile

Have you tried getting counselling? I did and it really helped.

Do you post on the Stately Homes threads here? That place too is a godsend.

It is so sad to feel so cheated, but we didn't do this. THEY did. You can get through this, you really can.

sweetkitty Sun 19-May-13 23:14:16

I thank my mum for my total lack of self esteem and self worth
For never hugging, complimenting me or telling me she love me
For favouring my brother immensely over me
For telling me women are useless unless they have sons
For telling me never to earn more than my husband as he won't like it
For telling me its ok to get a slap every so often if your husband brings home the money hmm
For bragging about me to anyone who will listen as a reflection of her great parenting skills
For being a narcissist

ConfusedPixie Sun 19-May-13 23:16:55

I joined MN when I was 19, it has been great and if I hadn't have joined god knows how I would have ended up! I'm 24 tomorrow, so I've been here for at least three years if not more!

I have had counselling in the past though not recently. My holistic homeopathist gets a lot from me during our sessions though! Very cathartic.

Isn't stately homes for people who've been abused by their parents? My Mum isn't exactly a bad mother, just not a good one through lacking the ability to be one I think. She tried and did relatively well with my sisters. I think I was just a repeat of her and instead of seeing what was coming and getting me out of the situation she relived some of her childhood through me.

ConfusedPixie Sun 19-May-13 23:17:49

sweetkitty sad

forgetmenots Mon 20-May-13 09:02:06

Confused, Stately Homes is for children of toxic parents and this can include all kinds and levels of abusive and demeaning behaviours.

I would definitely take a look at it if I were you, the opening post always has handy links to other sites too which I found useful in helping my DH get through his issues with his DM. (They are no longer in contact).

Mantella Mon 20-May-13 09:34:09

Confused Pixie I know you say she isn't a bad mother but she sounds very bad to me (sorry). Inaction is a choice and she chose not to help you time and time again when you needed her. I'm sorry you're feeling so low about it flowers. I agree with forgetmenots, I think the stately homes thread might be a good source of support for you.

Sweet Kitty: flowers

forgetmenots Mon 20-May-13 09:40:34

Sweetkitty sad

I've bumped stately homes in case you had trouble finding it.

Cailleach Mon 20-May-13 13:50:41

OP, could you look up Asperger's Syndrome and see if anything you read about it rings any bells in relation to you and your family?

I am wondering if your social difficulties and your mother's odd lack of emotional engagement with you may be explained by an ASD (which is often hereditary.)

I have Asperger's and much of your post could have been written about me / my family..

Happy to be PM'd if you wish to discuss.

ConfusedPixie Mon 20-May-13 15:42:07

I will lurk the stately homes later on, I'm desperately trying to find somewhere to live at the moment and taking a few minutes break to gather my thoughts about places I've contacted so far!

Cailleach: I nanny for kids on the spectrum (one low functioning, one very high functioning) and have often wondered in the past if there is an element of it in my family as I see similarities between my charges and my family/me but according to that university based test I am not even remotely on the spectrum. I don't know whether my parents would be either and my sisters certainly are not.

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 15:46:40

Thanks for starting this thread

I too nearly dragged the other one down with a complete misery post

Sometimes I feel bad about saying how much my parents didn't do their job properly, because you often get "well at least you have a mum, you should cherish her, I lost mine last year" etc (not necessarily on MN, certainly in RL)

It sucks, don't it

forgetmenots Mon 20-May-13 16:08:45

I'd have said look up narcissistic personality disorder myself, but that's maybe a bit of projection on my part after I literally said 'fuck ME' when I read the description of it in relation to my MIL. And I'm not even that sweary. But it was dead on.

AF, I really hate it when people belittle things like that, of course for functioning families a bereavement is a personal tragedy, but IMO the best response would be to say - you were lucky to have a decent mum at all, which is why it hurts so much that you've lost her. People who've never seen a parent like this in action genuinely don't get it. I know I didn't (to my shame).

ConfusedPixie Mon 20-May-13 17:17:26

"Sometimes I feel bad about saying how much my parents didn't do their job properly, because you often get "well at least you have a mum, you should cherish her, I lost mine last year""

That's it exactly. I also find that when I try to explain that I don't really get 'love', especially wrt my family, people think that I'm really weird. I don't really get it at all, even when talking about DP. I absolutely adore him, he is my rock and I can't imagine being without him, but I know that I 'love' him because he's one of the few people I really feel anything more than a vague affection for. I don't have a burning desire for him, I just find him to be better than everybody else and very very funny!

PeterParkerSays Mon 20-May-13 17:27:16

I'm gald that my "D"M did a crap job, and put her needs before those of her two children - it has given me such a huge screaming incentive to give my boy more love than he knows what to do with.

"I can have all the hugs and kisses I want, can't I mummy?" Hell yes, kid.

Since DS was born, I've had periods of absoulte rage at that bloody woman and how she focused on material wealth and her own happiness, to the expense of her kids. My sister and I have so much work to do with depression and low self esteem.

I however have a 3 year old who knows that his mummy and daddy are so proud of him they could burst, and that will do me for now.

Sorry, I didn't come on this thread intending to post anything like this, but it's been very therapeutic blush smile

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 17:29:56

To reiterate what others have said, whether you see it as abuse or not, it's impacted greatly on your life, and dare I say, relationships. Weak / passive aggressive / narcissistic mothers may not scream or beat you, but speaking from personal experience, I'd almost wished mine had and then I would have known what exactly I'd done to deserve the treatment I did.

Fully empathise with the 'at least you've got a mother' comments, to which now I just reply 'who exists in my nightmares only', which is true. The only time she ever manifests herself.

Stay strong my lovely <virtual hug>

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 18:39:10

I guess it explains why I would never ever put my happiness solely in the hands of an individual, and that includes my husband

I have a very happy and long term marriage, but I know I would walk away from it if it ceased to be so. I often wonder if (some of) the people who had secure and loving upbringings find it very difficult to let go of bad relationships because they have literally no experience of being in one and can't understand that not everyone has your best interests at heart at all times

That is a massive generalisation, of course.

forgetmenots Mon 20-May-13 18:41:31

I think it's bang on the money AF.

Coffeeformeplease Mon 20-May-13 19:03:37

Pixie, I can relate to what you have written.
I never realised just how bad my home life was until I had my first boyfriend. His family virtually adopted me and I saw what a proper functioning family was like.
Needless to say my mother hated their guts.

And today she boasts about me. If I ever questioned her parenting skills she would say that I was what I am today because of her.
It took a long long time to realise I don't have to like her. And I don't have to argue with her, because she will never ever admit she did anything wrong.

When I had my children a lot of my past resurfaced, and made me very angry. I'm over that now (finally), and also over any wish to get love from her. It won't happen. I accepted it.

No, my upbringing hasn't made me stronger. It took me many years to recover from it.
You're not alone.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 20-May-13 19:09:54

Thats how I live AF. I hate it about myself.

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 19:15:16

Sorry, puds. I hope I didn't upset you x

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 20-May-13 19:16:54

It's ok AF, it's just something that has been at the forefront of my mind recently.

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 19:18:35


mouseymummy Mon 20-May-13 19:39:57

Af, you sum it up perfectly. I get a lot of the "treasure your mother" too. Recently, I challenged someone and asked the why the fuck I should... She's abandoned me physically and emotionally too many times, she has belittled my parenting with dd1 and has given me such bad self esteem issues and a lack of confidence that even my therapist was shocked... Well, needless to say, that person has never questioned my no contact again!

My dd1 is the age I was when my mother walked out on me and dbro (he was 4) no matter how badly behaved dd is, no matter how many times she is a clutz or makes a silly comment or asks me the same thing over and over. I would never walk out on her, I hate the fact that in the next school holidays, she's going away for 2 nights.

I thank my lucky stars I found mn, its made me realise that I'm not alone, I know that I can come on here and get great advice, a good laugh and people who are genuine and willing to help.

The stately homes thread is brilliant, I have lurked on there for ages! Still need to actually post though!

You are never alone with this amazing nest wink.

OneFingerSjupesUpTheYoni Mon 20-May-13 19:40:04

That op could practically have been written by me sad i was bullied for being tall, overweight, poor, smelly, badly dressed, having glasses, being dirty in all honesty i have no idea why ss let her keep me but took my sister sad on top of bullying from school kids/teachers/ street kids i also had my mum agreeing with them but not changing anything sad she spent my childhood getting highlights, drinking and chasing men.

We didn't speak from i was 16 - around 21/22 as i just was not strong enough to deal with her now we talk every week or two and see each other once a month or less. Now for some reason she thinks she is mum/granny of the year and is forever giving me 'advice' and hates when i say ''maybe mum but look how me and dsis turned out, do you think i should heed your advice?'' I get ''ooh well i'm older now i've learnt from my mistakes blah blah shite''

Dsis is a fraud, thief, shoplifter, emotionally abusive, drinks too much and has a massive hole in her desperate for love but she expects perfection and blows her top at the least thing. She is very hard to love.

I have ended up with social anxiety i'm never sure if someone is kidding or not, i often can't read peoples tone of voice so make silly mistakes/comments, i avoid my friends as much as possible because i can't understand why they like me, i worry about what i say/ what to say in every given situation and i try to people please and hate when people are not happy with me sad i, like my sister, have a need for perfection which can't be met sad but instead of blowing my top i more internalize it as in 'oh well' and shove the lid down on my feelings. If you didn t know me you'd think i was happy go lucky and so laid back but really i'm a fuming ball of stress/worry/dread all the time sad

I'm sure this post is epic i'm sorry to hijack i just wanted to say you're not alone, unfortunately.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 20-May-13 19:44:25

My greatest fears are that I will turn into my mother and that I will push away anyone who loves me.

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