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Please help, I've fallen apart at the realisation I have to tell DS

(13 Posts)
verygentlydoesit Sun 19-May-13 23:01:46

P and I have got to split up. I'm finally able to see he doesn't care about me, and that this is not ok. I've spent a very very long time thinking if only I did things differently then he would care, or trying to live with it but I can't do it anymore.

He's not abusive, just incredibly selfish. His needs come first, always, and I have finally managed to tell him it's not ok. I explained that all I need is to feel like I matter, but he can't or won't 'give in' and tell me that this is the case.

So, to get to the point, I realise it's over. I'm in a bit of a state, and have completely broken down in front of P- crying, shaking and feeling so upset that I'm not a bit out of control.

I think that the thought of telling DS (6) and ripping his world apart is what is horrifying me the most. I know in my head, and have read on here so many times, the reasons why us splitting up is best for DS- but my heart is breaking at the thought.

I absolutely will give myself a few days to calm down before speaking to him.

I can't pull myself together whenever I think about how totally confused DS will be, how devastated he will be for his family to be broken apart. He's a lovely, enthusiastic, kind little boy- P and I are his world, he will be broken when I tell him.

I'm crying at the thought of breaking him.

I'm sorry to sound so pathetic, I just need to pull myself together but I can't,

verygentlydoesit Sun 19-May-13 23:16:00

Sorry, my OP should say I am feeling a bit out of control- not the opposite!

Mumsyblouse Sun 19-May-13 23:18:00

There was a thread recently about what to say in this situation, I'm rubbish at linking, but you could have a search for it. I don't think you are breaking him at all, he's not a china doll, but he may be upset and have questions, so best to think about what you want to say and be reassuring. Hopefully he will still have both of you in his life, so life won't be entirely unrecognizable.

Diagonally Sun 19-May-13 23:18:09

My DS was almost 6 when ex + I split.

He wasn't confused or devastated or anything. When we told him we had already agreed exactly what was going to happen with living arrangements and contact.

What arrangements have you made so far? It will help if you can focus on the practicalities.

verygentlydoesit Sun 19-May-13 23:19:51

Yes you are right mumsy he's not a china doll, maybe I'm worrying too much, I certainally hope so.

verygentlydoesit Sun 19-May-13 23:25:37

Diagonally, I've not made any arrangements yet. Mortgage is in my name only, so he will need to find somewhere different to live, I feel I should give him time to sort somewhere to live.

His work is unpredictable so he will demand flexibility over contact.

goodenuffmum Sun 19-May-13 23:51:29

I have a 9 and a 13 yr old DS and I had that talk 11 weeks ago.

I was crying and the youngest was crying. I stuck to "mum and dad love you very much but can't live together anymore"

Actually H had decided he didn't love me. mn has since taught me he is cruising through MLC grin

It was a terrible night but has got better since then.

I have just repeated the above sentence ad nauseum and so far my dc are great: they have told me there hasn't been much difference because their DF didn't do much anyway!

Good luck with the rest of your glorious life!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-May-13 07:53:15

It always depends with kids on how you sell it to them. Being the little ego-centrics that they are they are principally concerned at any changes to their life. Will they still see Dad? Will they still go to the same school and have the same friends? etc. From a child's angle, there are quite a few advantages to a two-location family. In fact, family life being what it is, most of them will know someone who spends every other weekend with Dad.

Above all, reassure them that you both love him very much, that what's happening is not his fault in any way, and answer any questions he might have as honestly as you can. Good luck

minmooch Mon 20-May-13 08:20:39

My kids were 6 and 5 when this happened. I did not tell them anything until our plans were final and we had dates for moving etc - it was too much to ask of them to say something and then nothing happens for months. My kids were not devastated at all, they took their cue from me and as I was calm when telling them they were not frightened and knew that they would still see both of their parents.

verygentlydoesit Mon 20-May-13 08:55:27

Thank you everyone for your advice, Mumsnet is such a special place.

I had been feeling guilty about not telling DS the truth and pretending everything is ok. It's nice to hear that this is the right thing to do until we have arrangements in place.

I must keep hold of the importance of DS taking his cues from me.

I'm feeling a bit braver this morning. Eyes look like I've been stung on my eyelids from crying. There's been too many tears shed over this- all mine.

Weirdly P has emptied dishwasher, cleared and mopped kitchen, and done 2 loads of washing this morning. This is unheard of, we wouldn't be in this mess if he did that kind of thing ocassionally confused.

BarbarianMum Mon 20-May-13 09:04:41

It will probably hurt and upset him, yes.

But what if you don't tell him? What if you stay?

The dawning realisation that your parents do not love each other is corrosive. Knowing that your mum has basically been miserable and resentful for 10+ years and has done it for your sake is a very, very bitter pill to swallow.

I do absolutely understand how hard this is for you but you the alternative is so much worse. It looks like my parents may finally divorce over the next couple of years. I am 41. Wish to God they'd done it when I was 6 (and yes I'd have been devastated, for a while
) than put us through all these years of misery.

SgtTJCalhoun Mon 20-May-13 10:08:33

I never had The Talk with my dc. They were 5 & 3. Their Dad had always worked shifts anyway. I had always done ALL the childcare. He got his own place and gradually it just filtered in that Dad didn't live with us but they still saw him just as much. His place wasn't suitable for overnights which helped so he would see them at mine. It was tough but it was best for the dc like that. Ds at around age 8 asked a vague question about where Dad lived and we had a chat then but nothing heavy and he was fine.

I've often heard that the very worst thing for children of separated parents was the Big Talk, the sitting down etc and what a shock it was. I think at age 6 you'd still likely get away with keeping it very low key and playing it down.

FuzzyInTheMorning Mon 20-May-13 10:34:06

Told my 6 year old last night that Daddy didn't live with us anymore. He woke up crying about 2am and proceeded to sit by the front door crying 'Where are you Daddy?' For about two ours. Wish I hadn't tried to have the talk without everything in place as my DH also works away a lot and tbh the kids hadn't really noticed. DH is coming over after school today to spend quality time with them both (dd is 8) but wish I had read this thread first...

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